This pregnancy has seriously made me feel bi-polar. I have really high highs and really low lows. It seems just about anything will make me cry- even the happy stuff. I feel... a little cray cray. Don't get me wrong here- I am beyond elated about this baby. However, regardless of how fantastic and wonderful it all is, it is still a massive life shift. I went from very honestly being at peace with our little family. Planning vacations. Planning to run a half marathon. It took a lot out of me to put the breaks on everything we were planning. I feel kind of bad saying that, but it's the truth.
I also feel out of the loop. I know my friends understand. I haven't been well for my entire first trimester. I haven't made that a secret. I just feel sad... sad that I have to turn things down. Sad that I don't have the energy or the will to spend time with them. On the same token, many of them haven't made the effort to come to me either. It sort of made me realize what a giver I have been all along and how little I ask for in return.
It just seems as though my emotions are magnified by 110%. The things I miss... I often miss them to the point of heartache. These things range from old friends to running to even having a beer on a hot summer night. They are all kind of silly things to miss, I know this.
I am amazed at how quickly I can fly off the handle. My husband finds this hilarious. Probably my best rage to date was sitting down for a family lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings to not ever be waited on. 15 minutes. No server. No nothing. Nobody even looked our way. Telling someone was not an option. We were all miserable being in this busy place. As we were leaving, the hostess cheerily said, "Thanks so much for coming, have a great day!" To which I replied in anger, "It would have been a great day had someone actually waited on us." We proceeded to Applebees where we were happily greeted, seated and served within less than 5 minutes. Fail BWW. Fail. And we loved you so much.
I have had a number of discussions with my husband about trying to deflect PPD this time around. I have to chuckle, because he talks as though it is mind over matter. It is so much more than that and virtually uncontrollable. Just like my pregnancy emotions. The hormonal response to pregnancy, birth and everything thereafter is crazy and believe me, I wish I had more control over it.
All I can do is apologize in advance and just remind everyone that comes in my path: I mean no harm.
At 15 weeks I have still had some bouts with some debilitating nausea. However, I have noticed that it seems to be driven by either heartburn or acid reflux (or both?). The good news, is that by controlling the heartburn, I can control the nausea. Food still tastes gross or at least, not exactly right. This is all food. How I have managed to gain 9 pounds to this point is kind of a mystery as my consumption has been WAY down in the last couple weeks. I have worked really hard to change some of my 1st trimester habits (even though I still don't feel good) and take healthier snacks with me to work such as fruit, cheese and granola bars as opposed to a bag of chips. With 25 weeks to go, I am technically only allowed to gain 15 more pounds, so I need to watch it. I am also working on making nightly walks a priority. They don't need to be far or fast, they just need to happen. I'm starting to feel the strains RLP (round ligament pain) as my uterus starts to grow and make room for baby and I'm not going to lie, it hurts. I have a feeling sciatic pain is coming too as my butt and legs are hurting after camping out at my desk all day- it is getting more and more important to move around.
Most importantly, I am excited. I look pregnant (currently in a cute little belly way). I was told by my intern that I looked glowing and beautiful (brownie points???). I always wondered if I had the "glow" and often wondered what the hell that actually means, but I've been complimented a lot lately so maybe there is something to it? Even my sweet Jackson told me the other day when I got home, "You look pretty, Mommy." Aww! I bought baby's first "item"- a newborn cradle/rocker that will be in our bedroom for the first month (or more..). An issue that we had with Jackson as a newborn is that he hated, and I mean HATED lying on his back. We swaddled him like a little burrito, played cricket sounds, lullabyes... you name it and nothing worked until we let him sleep in his carseat one night. He slept through the night. For like 8 hours. Bliss. I am happy they actually make safer items to reflect that some babies just sleep better with a little elevation- this sleeper is perfect and got awesome reviews. I'm so excited. We are a little less than a month away from finding out if our baby will be wearing blue or pink! I can honestly, HONESTLY say... I will be thrilled no matter what. I love my little boy and having another to love on me? How could I ever be disappointed with that. Probably the biggest milestone yet is the beginning of the flutters!!! By far feeling the baby kick and squirm around is THE BEST part of pregnancy. Therefore we have re-nicknamed our nugget to squirmy.
We are also excited to move Jack to his "big boy room". Even though it is a little smaller than his original nursery, it will be his. He will get to pick out new paint for the walls, we got him a cool new ceiling fan and he is getting a new twin bed. The room is right across from "his" bathroom (hopefully that means no more bugging us in the middle of the night to use our master bath) and it will be far enough down the hall that he won't be disturbed by a crying baby (we hope).
So despite all of these crazy hormone swings, I am in a good place.
Here is my 15 week belly:
And here is how big little squirmy is:
My little naval orange!