July 07, 2013

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful Pregnant Girl

I made it! We are officially in the 2nd trimester!

If there is one thing this pregnancy has done, it has done a number on my emotions and self-esteem. As much as I want to eat healthy and make amazing choices for my baby, I also have this driving desire just to get through the dang day. Sometimes that means potato chips. And popcorn. And despite my stomach's revulsion to it, frozen yogurt. I'm going to gain weight. I don't want to, but it is inevitable. I am constantly reminding myself that I weigh 40 pounds less than I did when I was pregnant with my Jackson. It is a constant battle in my brain every day that all of this is OKAY.

I signed up for the Healthy Living, Healthy Pregnancy program through my insurance and employer. On the upside, I get tons of free shit like the Mayo Healthy Pregnancy book and a $50 Visa Gift Card after I give birth. I have a dedicated nurse that will call me every 6-8 weeks and I can call her anytime as well. Sounds great, right? Well, I got a little pissed off at nursey in my initial consultation. Here's the deal. I have an amazing OB. Yes, technically I am still considered overweight despite my massive weight loss efforts over the last 2.5 years; however, she knows in hindsight that I was 40 POUNDS HEAVIER when I was pregnant with Jackson. She told me where she would like me to keep my weight gain and that was that. There hasn't been another discussion about it. So when I told nursey my current weight, I got nothing but lecture about my risk for gestational diabetes (which even when I was a fatty in my first pregnancy, I didn't have) and high birth weight for my baby. I of course got defensive. The very last thing I need right now is this self-righteous, script reading nurse judging me. And don't get me started on her breastfeeding lectures... I was at 12 WEEKS during this conversation. Really?? REALLY?? The jury is still out on whether I will try breastfeeding again, give the baby some via pump or just save myself from my PPD risk and bottle feed. Anyone who tries to question me or lecture me on this subject WILL feel my wrath. It is my choice. Period. End of story. I will not be bullied into breastfeeding if it isn't right for me. Anyway...  I digress... Basically, I will entertain nursey every 6-8 weeks. I just want the free goods. Pretty sure because I am in a high risk pregnancy that I'm more than being taken care of. Geesh. Back off lady. I've done this before.

This nurse just made me so mad. My whole life I have made excuses and defended my weight.

"I'm big boned" (that's a favorite)
"It's just the way I'm built"
"I like sweets and just want to live and be happy"

I'm so grateful that Medifast never shoved BMI down my throat. Their goal weights are based on so much more than that and when I hit the normal range on my biometrics (which was still considered an overweight BMI) they said, STOP. You are at goal. This is your normal and you look amazing. I am athletic. Muscular. So the excuse, "It's just the way I am built" isn't a lie or an excuse. It is my truth. I have accepted it. But, it still sucks to have to defend this to someone who knows nothing about me or the journey I went though to lose so much weight.

Beyond my issues with my weight and gaining weight, I am feeling okay. I still have bad days where the nausea is beyond overwhelming and nothing I do seems to be able to fight it. I definitely do not take my good days for granted! True excitement is settling in as we start making our lists for the things we need. Even Jackson is getting into it. He even picked a name if it is a girl. Ummm... Not sure what to do about that one??

Here is 14 weeks and I'm feeling pretty cute!



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