December 28, 2012

My Infertility Journey: The End of the Road

Well, my friends. After picking off all of my nail polish (nervous habit), I have the results of my preliminary ultrasound.

It was not good news.

My remaining ovary has a blood filled cyst. Basically, instead of my follicle releasing an egg, mine fills with blood. It was the same thing that happened to my other ovary and we didn't find the issue until it ruptured and I became very ill. What does this mean for my fertility? It means it is gone. Game over. My OB wants to do another ultrasound, pre-ovulation, to see exactly what is going on, but that is just to determine what our next steps are. Most likely, it will mean a hysterectomy as we have really covered all the other bases and I don't not want to take BCP's. I'm about to turn 37 in 5 short months so really, there isn't much left fertility-wise to try and preserve not to mention, if you take my remaining ovary, is there any reason to preserve anything else? A hysterectomy is pretty much a done deal.

To say I am crushed about this diagnosis is an understatement.

However, I kept my composure with my doctor. She complimented me on the vast change in my weight, said I looked gorgeous, and promised me I have so much to look forward to including raising the beautiful boy I so miraculously was able to have four years ago. I thanked her and quickly ran to my car where I sobbed. Once I collected myself, I called my husband to give him the news. He wasn't entirely surprised; however, I don't think he was as much invested as I was in having another baby. He was worried about me and my health and the health of my potential unborn child. There were so many risks and that scared him, so for him, this might actually be a relief with the exception of my impending surgery. I love him so desperately for wanting to take care of me.

This diagnosis doesn't exactly come as a shock. I knew there was a ghost of a chance with this being the most likely outcome. At least I have closure. The 2 1/2 years I spent trying to conceive Jackson were the worst. I had all the tests done and they could not find anything wrong with either me or my husband. Unexplained infertility is awful because there is no closure, no answers. I would much rather have this answer and not have to wait around with any false hope. While the answer sucks, at least I know the truth.

Top off my day with my kiddo having a double ear infection and not wanting anything to do with taking his medicine (I kid you not... we tried every trick in the book to no avail), him getting really pissed off at me,  telling me he hates me and I had a break down. I sobbed through Dora. I sobbed when he finally gave me a hug goodnight and said, "I love you too Mommy." I didn't get it together until I read an email from one of my dearest friends and finally, a smile emerged from my broken, tear-stained face. How grateful am I to be surrounded by people who never fail to pick me up when I am down!

But, you know me. Nothing can keep me down for long. So, I have dusted the sad away. We have the closure we need to be able to move forward with our lives. No looking back. No "what ifs". No regrets. Our family is complete and we are at peace.


3 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your test results, I know you were hoping for another miracle. Although I am glad that you will finally have your closure and be able to move forward knowing the exact details of the situation. I hope you had a nice holiday and virtual hugs

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you so much for the virtual hugs my mama friends!

    ReplyDelete

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