August 16, 2010

Why Can't I Do This? A Weight Loss Rant.

I read a blog post today: How I Lost 115 Pounds. While I don't need to lose that much, I still have a LOT to lose. Amy is of course inspiring, but a part of me is insanely frustrated and jealous.

Weight loss has been a lifelong struggle for me. I can't ever remember a time when I wasn't on a "diet" and trying to lose weight. There were times when I was skinny (in college, I was a lean, mean 135 lbs) but not without insane hard work. I maintained that weight throughout most of college but in order to do that,  I had to work out every single day (and sometimes twice a day), have a diet of cereal and beer (this is why the Special K Diet is so fantastic) and walking all over campus didn't hurt either nor did managing the front desk at a LifeTime Fitness. Enter in life change: college graduation. I got a job as a recruiter. This job required me to wine and dine my consultants and clients. I didn't make wise decisions and I quickly gained weight over the course of a year. I didn't care all that much until my boyfriend at the time decided that he didn't want to be with me anymore because he said, and I quote, "Well,  you gained a lot of weight. You're just not the same person anymore." ExCUSE me? Enter in revenge Joanne. I made it my solemn vow to get back to skinny me, date a lot of guys and make said ex-boyfriend insanely jealous. I lost the weight, never quite getting back down to that sickly lean 135, but nonetheless looked good and felt good. Ex tried numerous times to win me back (somehow there was always a commitment free stipulation attached???) and I finally cut him off for good when I met who is now my husband.

I often see pictures of that old me from 8 years ago and wonder how over the course of these years I could let my weight creep up. I often wonder if my husband would've even remotely been interested in me back then if I looked like I do now. I guess that is the beautiful thing about my husband and our marriage: he loves me no matter what. However, that has often been my perfect excuse for letting myself go over the years. Being with someone who LOVES to eat doesn't help my situation either. I went from eating popcorn and cereal for dinner to delicious home cooked meals full of carbtastic goodness.

Like Amy, I have reached my breaking point more times than I can count. I've been at this point for quite some time but have seen little progress despite my hard work and that is simply why I keep quitting and coming up with excuses. I understand that weight loss such as this doesn't happen overnight or without struggle and hard work, but I read posts like this and it seems as though the weight has just melted away and they did the same things that I am doing. Perhaps I should really face facts and accept that I can't do this on my own. I've been doing WeightWatchers online for, um, forever? Maybe I need a group leader to kick me in the behind. Maybe I need a personal trainer to hold me accountable for working out. Is it really going to take total and utter humiliation again to make me face reality? I truly hope not.

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