July 16, 2010

Making The Tough Decision

For what might be the millionth time since having Jack nearly two years ago, I am once again getting the itch to be a stay at home mom (SAHM). 

When I had Jack, I promised myself that if work ever stopped being fun or fulfilling that I would very seriously consider staying at home with him. Since last fall when a lot of dirty politics went down at my office, I have been fairly miserable. My former boss and I had an understanding. We both had small children. He understood that my husband traveled (not the case anymore thank god). He didn't nickel and dime for for needing to leave a 1/2 hour early to get home to be with my boy or take him to his hundredth ENT appointment. He GOT what it meant to be a working parent (he's divorced, so he's actually a single parent). The bottom line was, he treated me like a professional. He trusted me to get my work done. That said, under his management, I excelled at my work. When he was fired (a whole other story that I won't get into), I was left to a micro-manager in every sense of the term. I can no longer take off to be able to pick my son up at a reasonable time or take him to the doctor. I have to take PTO for every minute spent outside of the office, and yes, I am being watched and it is being tracked. I was told it is because if we aren't here working in our offices 24/7 then it is possible that marketing jobs could be on the chopping block. My ideas are constantly thrown out, yet in my review, I'm told I don't generate enough new ideas? The hypocrisy is unreal and frankly, confusing. Perhaps it works to take that approach with someone new to keep them on their toes, but I've been in my position for 3 years and I work extremely hard from the minute I come in to the minute I leave often eating my lunch in my office while continuing to work. I guess at the end of the day, I just yearn to be treated like a seasoned professional rather than a high school student and simply be trusted to get my work done and do an awesome job at it. I feel like when I have to worry about things like what time I come and go or whether someone is watching me, that my work suffers. Can you tell I'm unhappy? Yeah, I'm unhappy.

That is why I feel it might just be time. I'm just not sure that looking for a new job necessarily will fix what I feel is true in my heart: that working takes me away from my son and I miss him terribly all day long. My biggest concern has been that I absolutely adore his daycare and the care he gets there, not to mention the education and the fact that he has FRIENDS there. Is it selfish of me to want to take him out of there? Am I not giving myself enough credit to say that I could ensure he would be as smart and well-adjusted under my care?

I have a million questions and a ton of soul searching to do. I plan to stick it out until the end of the year, but I will inevitably have a decision made within the next few months. I have that nervous/scared/excited feeling that something huge is coming and regardless of my choice? It will be a good thing for my entire family.

1 comment:

  1. That's a tough choice, but I think you're wise to wait on it. You'll resent your job if you don't leave soon enough, and you'll resent your decision if you leave too soon.

    Whatever the case, choose happiness. Life's too short to do otherwise.

    ReplyDelete

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