April 22, 2010

Reliving the Past

Tonight, for some reason, I went back and re-read my blog. Not just a few random entries, but the entire thing.

I can't believe how much my life has changed since I started blogging 4 years ago or, how much my subject matter has changed. Importantly, despite all of these changes, I haven't forgotten who I am or where I came from. For the first two years of this blog, I struggled with infertility. I endured a miscarriage. I endured fertility drugs. Reading all of those posts brings me right back down to earth. I am reminded how blessed I am to be a mother. How blessed I am to have a baby. Truth be told, I have not forgotten those struggles. We have made the difficult decision to put TTC baby #2 on hold for awhile. I kind of chuckle at "putting it on hold" as if we have some sort of choice. However, since Jack was sort of a miracle, it is not out of the realm of possibility for us to have the potential of getting pregnant out of the blue. So... we're erring on the side of waiting. While I'd love to have a sibling for Jack closer to him in age, we are faced with high property taxes, expensive daycare and a bit of a need for Jack to be older and more independent before we bring another baby into the picture. I only pray that when the time comes for us to start trying again that we don't have to deal with miscarriage or any other types of awful loss or disappointment.

The one thing I found as I read through my blog is that I am really proud of this. I may not post every day, nor do I pretend to try, but I've really made a very solid effort in keeping up with this thing I call my Mixed Bag of Rant. I realized it is deeply personal. I realized that I don't have any desire to actually share this with close friends or family because on some level, I'm not sure I want them to know all of this about me. So, to my few readers out there who manage to keep up with all my bitching, I thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to vent my frustrations and share my joys. I hope along the way I can inspire a little emotion, but maybe a little funny in my ramblings as well.

What do I wish for my blog? Nothing really. I never really thought of this as a money making thing. It has almost become therapeutic for me to have this blog. Keeping myself somewhat anonymous, I don't feel like I have to have a mask on or filter what I say. Sure, I think a part of me still edits what I'm REALLY thinking about specific people or things in sheer fear of being discovered, but for the most part I am fully me on this blog. Raw and unfiltered. I don't hold a lot back on here and you know what? It feels pretty good.

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