March 08, 2010

And the frustration settles in...

If I do say so myself, I think I've done a pretty bang up job running my company's marketing department while my colleague has been away on maternity leave. However, I think I may have reached a sort of breaking point. Since I'm not her, I don't have regularly scheduled meetings with the big man nor am I on the calendar for the regular management meetings so I am now missing out on things that I should be involved in. Big decisions that involve marketing are being missed entirely because... well, I'm not her. You know, I get it. She's coming back in 4 weeks. Why not keep marketing on life support until the true leader comes back, right? No. Not how it should work. I don't understand why I've suddenly been given the brush off, but I am frustrated and am started to feel like I'm failing at this big task that has been given to me. On top of just making some big decisions, I have to actually DO the work behind the big decisions and it is finally all catching up to me. I bit off more than I could chew and yes, despite my earlier rantings about how I wanted this job and how I loved and craved the control of being in charge, I have reminded myself why I hate it too. I hate the politics. Women in business always in the backseat. Always on the backburner. I hate that our coordinator has decided to take advantage of a flexible schedule. Of course it is okay to leave at 4 or even 3 every once in awhile, but 2? To go CAR shopping? Really?? What the hell do I say or do with that? I know I haven't been the greatest leader. I know she's probably bored right now. I know I didn't delegate some of my prior responsibilities as I should've, but, I don't want to let go of them either in fear that I will lose them altogether and once again, jeopardize my job. Regardless... I'll be happy when the next month is over and I can go back to what I do best. Being creative. I am happy to take direction and let someone else take the heat for the bills and for the decisions that were made that are suddenly being questioned although they are approved. I do have a whole new respect for being in that position. It is definitely not a fun time. Overall, I am grateful for the experience. To know that I am capable of being in charge is a big deal for me. It means I can eventually move on.

All of this work stress has leaked into other areas of my life too. I take it out on my husband, I save all my smiles for my little boy. I blew off a girl's weekend in Chicago. I never see my family. I'm so tired by the time the weekend comes that I have no desire to be busy with anything fun. NOT GOOD. There are some things to look forward to though. The hubs and I are planning a getaway. First full weekend away from our baby. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I do know that I need this. I know that WE need this.

In other news... also stress related... A couple weeks ago I attended my brother's engagement party. He is getting married in November and I am indeed a bridesmaid. I am honored and horrified all at the same time. There were pictures taken. Lots of them. I hated all of them. It is my SOLEMN VOW that I will not be the fat bridesmaid. The only way I will allow fatness is if I'm pregnant (which I'm sure will earn me a ticket directly on the door out of the wedding party). I have recommitted to WeightWatchers for about the fiftieth time. But the pictures did it for me. Do I really look like that? Ugh. Enough is enough.

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