April 29, 2009

Being Psycho Paranoid Mommy

I feel compelled to blog about this tonight as the story I heard on my boards ripped my heart to pieces.

Firstly, I have been a member of this online community for 3 1/2 years. I made friends from all over the world who were trying to have babies, unable to have babies, taking fertility drugs, pregnant, giving birth and all taking this amazing, and immensely intimate journey with each other. Together, we cheer our victories and mourn our losses. Not once have I felt alone in my long journey to motherhood being surrounded by these absolutely amazing women.

Tonight, I read that a mama who had a baby in August of 2008 lost her little girl. From our limited amount of information, we understand that the baby became entangled in her sheets and therefore suffocated. Not SIDS but a really sad and terrible accident that I would not wish on any mother. As I said, my heart just felt crushed after reading this as I just cannot even imagine the pain and hurt that this mama is going through. I pray for her and her family and hope she will heal and find peace.

I bring this up, not only to express my deep condolences but to prove my reasoning to all the people that say I am ridiculously overprotective of my Baby Jack. I am endlessly concerned that he is either too hot or too cold, that if I turn my back for a moment, he will crawl and get himself into something and get hurt. I worry that my carseat isn't in my car correctly. I worry that if I let him cry it out that I will have ignored something that he might really need me for. I rarely let him keep a bib on despite the fact that he is a huge drooler/spitter upper, because I am afraid it will strangle him. I leave nothing in his crib that he can get into. No stuffed animals, toys, blankets. I use an AngelCare monitor because Jack will only sleep on his tummy and from the start, it scared the hell out of me. Just the other night, I attempted to give Jack his first Gerber puff. They are supposed to melt in his mouth. No more than a millisecond that he had it in his mouth, I freaked and was fishing it out. I feel like I am constantly checking his head for fever and worry endlessly that he will get really sick.

See? I just got the warning beep on the AngelCare and my ass just darted up to his room to check on him. He is just sleeping that hard and that quietly- I had to watch him for a minute just to make sure. How on earth am I going to make it through this night?

I'm sure this list could go on forever and the truth is, the worry will never end. I think that is just part of the motherhood package. Deep in my heart, I know that what will be will be and I should just let go.

God bless you baby Maggie. You are in my heart and my prayers.

1 comment:

  1. As things go, as they get older you realize that you have to let go a bit, they give you no choice. I was just like that with Haley, maybe even worse. I'd get up a million times a night to check on her and I hated when she started sleeping through the night. As she got older, I've had to let go and let her skin her knees and elbows and just be there to patch her up. I let go a bit in my own time and you'll find the time that's right for you and Jack too. :)

    I'm much less worried with Charlotte than I ever was with Haley. I guess it's part of the second child territory. You know what to expect a little bit more...

    ~Mindy

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