September 20, 2008

Jackson Robert is here!!

Welcome Jackson Robert!

Yup, that's right, our little guy is FINALLY HERE!! This update seems to be taking years to write...

Jack was born on September 11th, 2008 @ 1:07p. He was 7lbs, 7oz and 19.5" long. He is perfect in every way!

Jack's Birth Story:
As you all know... we've been joking all along how much we needed Jack to stay put. As Murphy's Law would have it, the perfect storm was brewing. We had started the process of building our new home in September of 2007- we put our home on the market and rolled the dice. Also around the same time, my best friend got engaged and made me her Matron of Honor. Her wedding date was scheduled for September 12th. Of course we got the news that we were expecting and decided in February that we were going to move forward and start building our home non-contingent. Due to road restrictions our house was set back by about a month. Our hopes of being into our new home by August were dashed- we knew it would be September by the time we got in there. Finally a closing date was set. SEPTEMBER 12TH! Going to be a busy weekend. The jokes started flying about how our little man would be funny enough to make his appearance during that weekend.

It was Wednesday, September 10th and I had gone to the doctor in the morning. My blood pressure was quite elevated and there was some concern over getting me to the hospital to be observed. I was sent away to get back on bed rest. At this point, I was dilated 2cm, 50% effaced and still at a -2 station. I still went to the office to set my out of office, change my voicemail and finish up some last minute business. I made it home early in the afternoon and my best friend and I headed off to get our nails done for her wedding. I came home after that, tired, but still feeling okay. I was looking forward to some serious bed rest. Later that night, I awoke to a feeling that I might have peed the bed. Embarrassed, I stood up out of bed to a gush of fluid and knew- this was it. My water broke. I ran to the bathroom with the waters running down my legs and a trail behind me, cleaned up and awoke my husband from his deep slumber. It was 1:45am. We made a couple phone calls, one to my doctor and to the hospital to let them know I was on the way. I quickly threw together the rest of my hospital bag and out the door we went. Our entire ride I started feeling contractions- about 5-7 minutes apart. Tolerable, but definitely there. We were taken into observations where they monitored my blood pressure, contractions and Jack's heartrate. They also tested my fluid to ensure that it was amniotic. It was. I was admitted to Labor & Delivery and off we went! I was placed on IV antibiotics for Group B Strep, Magnesium Sulfate for my BP and pitocin to speed up my contractions. The pitocin really worked and the contractions started getting extremely painful. They offered me narcotics for pain which I declined and asked for the epidural. BLISS!!! I didn't feel a thing after that. I slept quite a bit as the mag made me feel a little sick and sleeping helped. During this time they checked me quite a few times and I was making good progress- Drew thought it was kind of a hoot to watch my contractions on the monitor and was amazed that I didn't feel shit. They kept insisting that I wear an oxygen mask, but it made me sick and I vomited from it. By around 12:15ish or so, I was fully dilated and ready to start doing some pushing. They called the doc and she was there soon after. The pushing sucked. While I didn't really "feel" anything, my head hurt so badly from the magnesium and to hold your breath and push made my head pound that much more. Drew was an amazing coach. When I thought he might pass out, he was totally there for me. He had an ice pack on my head for my headache and was rubbing my temples in between pushes. He was a great cheerleader, cheering me along through everything. I was so focused on getting Jack out that I didn't even realize that my doc gave me an episiotome and then out Jack came! I heard him cry and both of us started crying- in moments, I was holding my sweet baby as he cried in agony- LOL! To this day he still hates being naked. I was so taken by new baby, I didn't even notice the afterbirth of the placenta. We stayed in the L & D room for a couple hours where I got some lunch and got the chance to nurse Jack. Soon after we were heading to our regular room where Jack and I would spend the next 48 hours!

Truly, the recovery was far worse than the labor & birth. I felt miserable in the hospital. I had to stay on the mag sulfate the whole time which made me feel like hell as well as I had my cathedar in for quite awhile which was uncomfortable. Drew was not able to spend much time with me as he had to move us into our new house as well as photograph my best friend's wedding! I was horribly lonely without him there and definitely not sure what to do with a new baby all by myself! His mom came to spend time with us... it ended up being more annoying than helpful. I was so happy that my sister came to spend time with me that Friday night. I needed her and was so glad she was there for me.

Coming home to a brand new house was strange... while I was excited to start this new adventure I also felt like I was leaving something else behind and that life would never be the same again. Not in a bad way, but just a different way. Like I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to my old life. On top of all this, I was struggling with breastfeeding. Jack wanted NOTHING to do with my breast or my milk. I felt like a failure. He was losing weight. His jaundice was getting worse. I was at a loss for what to do. After hours of sobbing and even more hours of no sleep, I made the decision that we were going to move to the bottle. I just couldn't handle Jack's rejection and I could handle the lack of sleep. I wanted to be a good Mom in other ways too, plus, I needed and wanted the help. Making the change was the BEST decision I could've made. I started actually sleeping, Jack started having dirty diapers and his jaundice cleared up quickly. A month later he has regained his birth weight and then some and is a happy, healthy, wonderful baby boy.

I'm not sorry for not breastfeeding. What I'm sorry about is all the guilt that people have tried to lay on me for making this decision. As if I'm destroying my child by not breastfeeding. It is almost an insult to me... I was raised on formula (in the 70's for god's sake) and I turned out JUST FINE. I am so sick and tired of hearing that he is going to be this sickly child with allergies and constant illness and that he won't be smart. I know plenty of people who were breastfed who are complete and total idiots. I LOVE my boy. Anyone who would suggest otherwise has no right in making that judgement. Just as I did with my pregnancy & birth plan- I did what I felt was right for the immediate health of my baby. Getting an epidural made my birth experience wonderful just as being able to bottle feed has given me my sanity back.

I do feel that I might be suffereing from PPD. I've had some pretty wild mood swings in the past week. Definitely beyond baby blues. I wish I could even explain how I feel... but there aren't words. I feel trapped in my house. I feel like I don't get enough support from Drew. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I hate my body. I hate feeling helpless. I want to feel normal again but not sure if I ever will. I'll definitely be asking for some meds at my 6w postpartum checkup.

Overall though... I love being a mom. I love my baby Jack- he is the love of my life. I never thought I could love someone this much and I can't wait to get to know this little man. It has been only a month, but I feel like he has been a part of us forever.

Thanks to my baby angel for watching over us! Jack is here because of your love.

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