December 20, 2008

You Can't Be Serious

I know I have been a bad blogger which is surprising since I'm awake all the time it seems.

Jack is about 31/2 months old and still, truly my blessing. For all the sleepless nights and evening tantrums, when he smiles at me I can't even remember why I was frustrated in the first place. I go back to work in two weeks and I am a smattering of mixed emotions. I'm excited to get back to work and start using my brain productively again, but I'm nervous about leaving my baby with virtual strangers. I know he'll be fine. He'll learn so many new things that I can't teach him and he'll be able to make some friends. Who knows- maybe they'll even be friends for life! I think the other part of my issue with going back to work is the lack of sleep. I'm still pushing DH to help me overnight, but his ability to sleep all night while I end up with the baby is not an easy habit of his to break. He knows I'm frustrated, but he's going to have to share in as many sleepless nights as me once I go back to work. I can't feel this worthless at the office. Right now we are currently trying to break Jack from sleeping in his carseat. THIS is one habit that must be broken. As much as it kills me to give up his 8 hours of sleep for a couple week's worth of very long sleep training nights, I know he can't stay in the seat forever and while I have a couple weeks of leave left, I may as well suck it up and get him used to sleeping without that crutch. Funny thing is? Even though he was up all night, he is just as happy as can be today! LOL!

December 07, 2008

Unsolicited Advice #2

I am so damn sick and tired of receiving advice from people. Especially people who have no fucking idea what being a parent is really like. How hard is it for these people to simply love our son unconditionally? How hard is it to just let DH and I be the parents without ridiculous guilt trips? I'll delve into this more deeply when I'm not updating from my iPhone.

December 04, 2008

Yet Another Guilt Trip

Just when I thought there weren't anymore mommy guilt trips out there, I came across yet another one today.

Someone posted on the boards about her mommy instincts being off because she didn't wake in the middle of the night to check on her baby (who was peacefully sleeping through the night). Instead of being flamed for missing instincts, the flames began on SIDS. As in, if you don't have an Angel Care monitor for your infant you should be checking on him several times a night because with a regular monitor you won't be able to hear him stop breathing. I'll be the first person to say that when we moved Jack to his crib, I was terrified. I checked on him a million times a night and had the monitor cranked up and right next to my head. If I was lucky, I was getting maybe 2 hours of broken sleep a night. That's it. I was exhausted and having trouble taking care of Jack during the day. At my 6 week OB checkup, we discussed my insomnia issue mainly because I was concerned I was developing postpartum depression. My OB asked me why I was so worried all night and I said "Frankly, SIDS". She helped me by saying that if it is going to happen, it is going to happen. You can take all the precautions in the world and if he is going to have SIDS, the likelihood of being able to save him is very slim and to just stop worrying and LIVE. After about a week of working on relaxation techniques, I started sleeping regularly, only waking to Jack's needy cries. Sure, the first few times he slept through the night I would wake up in a panic at 3am wondering if I missed his cry, listening intently. I think I have honestly become so tired that my will to sleep has become a necessity. Since I've "let go" of my fears, I have been more well-rested and able to take care of my son during the day when he's awake and needs me the most. Thankfully my husband's bladder doesn't last the night and he usually gets up at least once to pee and then checks on him. Another thing I have learned about my baby is to not respond to every little whimper and moan. He'll let me know when he is ready and needs help.

Most importantly, my need to sleep does NOT make me a bad mom!! I love my baby. I want to give him the best care and I can't do that if my own health is being jeopardized.

That said... my Jack is healthy, happy and thriving. I couldn't be more happy and more in love with anyone, ever.

December 03, 2008


I don't like sending forwards, so I'm posting it here. This is one of my favorites.

My son is the greatest blessing of my life. I am so lucky that he is perfect and healthy and I never take a moment of it for granted.

A Cold March wind danced around the dead of night in Dallas as the doctor walked into the small hospital room of Diana Blessing. She was still groggy from surgery.

Her husband, David , held her hand as they braced themselves for the latest news.
That afternoon of March 10, 1991, complications had forced Diana, only 24-weeks pregnant, to undergo an emergency Cesarean to deliver the couple's new daughter, Dana Lu Blessing.

At 12 inches long and weighing only one pound nine ounces, they already knew she was perilously premature.

Still, the doctor's soft words dropped like bombs.
'I don't think she's going to make it,' he said, as kindly as he could.

'There's only a 10-percent chance she will live through the night, and even then, if by some slim chance she does make it, her future could be a very cruel one'
Numb with disbelief, David and Diana listened as the doctor described the devastating problems Dana would likely face if she survived.

She would never walk, she would never talk, she would probably be blind, and she would certainly be prone to other catastrophic conditions from cerebral palsy to complete mental retardation, and on and on.

'No! No!' was all Diana could say.
She and David , with their 5-year-old son Dustin, had long dreamed of the day they would have a daughter to become a family of four.

Now, within a matter of hours, that dream was slipping away

But as those first days passed, a new agony set in for David and Diana. Because Dana's underdeveloped nervous system was essentially 'raw', the lightest kiss or caress only intensified her discomfort, so they couldn't even cradle their tiny baby girl against their chests to offer the strength of their love.
All they could do, as Dana struggled alone beneath the ultraviolet light in the tangle of tubes and wires, was to pray that God would stay close to their precious little girl.
There was never a moment when Dana suddenly grew stronger.

But as the weeks went by, she did slowly gain an ounce of weight here and an ounce of strength there.

At last, when Dana turned two months old. her parents were able to hold her in their arms for the very first time?
And two months later, though doctors continued to gently but grimly warn that her chances of surviving, much less living any kind of normal life, were next to zero, Dana went home from the hospital, just as her mother had predicted.

Five years later, Dana was a petite but feisty young girl with glittering gray eyes and an unquenchable zest for life.

She showed no signs whatsoever of any mental or physical impairment. Simply, she was everything a little girl can be and more. But that happy ending is far from the end of her story.

One blistering afternoon in the summer of 1996 near her home in Irving , Texas , Dana was sitting in her mother's lap in the bleachers of a local ball park where her brother Dustin's baseball team was practicing.
As always, Dana was chattering nonstop with her mother and several other adults sitting nearby, when she suddenly fell silent. Hugging her arms across her chest, little Dana asked, 'Do you smell that?'

Smelling the air and detecting the approach of a thunderstorm, Diana replied, 'Yes, it smells like rain.'
Dana closed her eyes and again asked, 'Do you smell that?'

Once again, her mother replied, 'Yes, I think we're about to get wet. It smells like rain.'
Still caught in the moment, Dana shook her head, patted her thin shoulders with her small hands and loudly announced,
'No, it smells like Him.

It smells like God when you lay your head on His chest.'

Tears blurred Diana's eyes as Dana happily hopped down to play with the other children.
Before the rains came, her daughter's words confirmed what Diana and all the members of the extended Blessing family had known, at least in their hearts, all along.

During those long days and nights of her first two months of her life, when her nerves were too sensitive for them to touch her, God was holding Dana on His chest and it is His loving scent that she remembers so well.

'I can do all things in Him who strengthens me.'
This morning when the Lord opened a window to Heaven, He saw me, and He asked: 'My child, what is your greatest wish for today?' I responded:
'Lord please, take care of the person who is reading this message, their family and their special friends. They deserve it and I love them very much'.

The love of God is like the ocean, you can see its beginning, but not its end.

November 30, 2008

Hurt. Sad. Lost

DH and I are not getting along. I try to let him know how I feel but instead of communicating he just walks away from me all the time leaving our situation completely unresolved. All I want is for him to help out with Jack without being told to do so. I want him to understand that getting up for an hour at 4am and then trying to grab a couple extra hours of sleep is not sleeping in. I want him to tell me he loves me every now and then. I want him to not to expose my embarrassments to Facebook making me feel even more self conscious than I already feel.

I want to be happy again.

November 20, 2008

No More Unsolicited Advice Please

Well, Jack is now 2 months, 2 weeks old and is absolutely perfect. He is laughing and cooing up a storm now and we are having a blast with him. Sure, we still have rough nights. We still have no idea really what we are doing. As we have found, this whole caring for an infant thing is pretty much trial and error. He was spitting up all the time and thought he might have reflux, so we changed formula to Soy. Ugh. Big mistake. He started spitting up curdled milk with that and pretty much screaming during and after his feedings. We tried lactose free and that was even worse. He got constipated and started pooping up (or not pooping) little hard pebbles. So, we went back to the Gentlease and all is well. Crabby baby gone, lots of laughs and coos, LOTS of poop and longer night sleeps. Our current challenge is getting him to sleep without his crutches- those being his car seat and his swing. By some miracle he is currently asleep in his pack and play and hoping he will give us a nice hour.

We went to his school for orientation. I think it is funny that some people thought it was a joke! This in and of itself makes me confident we chose the right place- a place that took the time to sit down with us and go over all the policies, procedures and anything else we would need to know about leaving our most precious possession in their care. While I am confident that Jack will thrive there, I know that I will be a wreck the first day, and probably for a few days after that. I pray every day that I'm making the right choice to go back to work.

Anyway, it is off to another feeding! Hungry, growing baby!

November 11, 2008

The Mixed Emotions of Motherhood

Well, my sweet angel is 2 months old today! I can hardly believe it- the time really is going by so quickly.

I love my son. There are times when I just stare at him in awe and can hardly believe that he is mine and that he is here. I marvel at how big he is getting and my heart melts when I hear him giggle. I am definitely not taking anything for granted with him. Every moment is precious- he is my son, forever. Then there is the devil Jack. The one that cries so much and so loud and I can't decipher what it means. I change him, I feed him, I try to cuddle him... He continues to cry. While it is fine for me to be up until 3a now while I'm on maternity leave, I have GOT to figure out a way to get him to sleep longer at night before I go back to work. Last night I just cried in frustration. I was so tired and he was so NOT tired. I know in time this will get better, but how much time is the question? 6 Months? A year? He goes in for his 2 month checkup tomorrow and I plan to ask his pedi for advice.

This is totally off the subject, but I feel I have to post my opinion about our new president-elect. I have kept mum on politics, but really feel that our way of life will be threatened by him. My husband and I have worked incredibly hard to get where we are. It didn't happen overnight. I totally consider us the American dream and now that is in doubt because he wants to take our money and give it to someone else. Someone who didn't work as hard and who isn't willing to work as hard. My best friend's husband is the perfect example of this person. He is self-employed god bless him, but while hitting tough times, he isn't willing to go out there and get a full-time job. Instead, he's choosing to bitch and whine rather than go out there and do whatever he has to do to make ends meet. So we have to pay for the middle class's lack of ambition? How fair is that?? The middle class bitches about big corporations getting tax breaks, well, without those tax breaks, they may not be able to EMPLOY you anymore! Then how will you be doing? OH that's right. You'll get my money. This person has given false hope to a bunch of people making them think that they don't have to do anything to get by. Do you really want to rely on the government for everything? For the roof on your head? For your healthcare?? I just shake my head. Infertility and pregnancy is a great example of why healthcare should not be universal. Being infertile for more than 2 years, it was MY right and MY choice on how I wanted to receive care for my condition. This becomes even more important in pregnancy! Sure, I followed the "schedule" as recommended by my insurance, but we also had the freedom to request additional ultrasounds and tests without having anyone tell us that we can't. I love having that choice and do not want anyone to take it away. It is called FREEDOM folks. Isn't that what being in America is all about? Home of the free? Seems like a lot of those freedoms are slowly being taken away.

Rant over. I'm just going to sit back and pray to God that more lives don't get ruined, including ours and my son's.

November 04, 2008

Happy Election Day

Ahhhh election day. The one day that makes me proud to be an American. I was just saying the other night that no matter who wins, it will be pretty kick ass if the country sets a record on number of voters. I am HOPING that everyone realized how special it is to be an American and that it is our right to vote. That is one of the many things about living in this country that I do not take for granted.

October 22, 2008


Well, it has been six weeks that our beautiful baby has joined the world and it has certainly been a whirlwind!

Firstly, I can hardly believe that women in the US are expected to go back to work after 6 weeks. I'm so glad that I decided to take extra time and that my work was willing to give it to me (since my company is under 50 employees, I am not covered under FMLA). I just can't even imagine dropping my little tiny peanut off at daycare at this point!

The thing that really has me frustrated right now though is the fact that I feel very trapped in my home. I mean, sure, if I had a reason to go out and go somewhere, Jack and I would go, but I don't really have a reason or excuse to get out. Therefore, I spend 24/7 at home. I love my baby Jack, but I seriously need some time away too. Where is my husband in all this? He's around... I think he completely takes for granted that Jack is harder to care for than you'd think. Feedings come up quickly and diaper changes feel constant. He's gassy and whiny and is overall a lot of work. At 6 weeks old, I refuse to let him cry it out and will cuddle him if he is freaking out which these days feels like all the time. I barely have time to go to the bathroom let alone. Taking a shower takes some serious planning and I'm lucky if I actually get to eat any lunch I make. My husband then acts all annoyed when I ask him to take the baby from me at night to give me a little break. I don't always have something to do, but sometimes I'd just like to enjoy a TV show uninterrupted or write in my blog without having to console my crying newborn. I just wish he would do things without me having to ask him all the time. I wish he'd just say "Okay Jack, time for some daddy/son time" or "Time to change your diaper! I've got it!" He comes and goes without another thought whereas I feel as though I have to practically schedule time to get out of the house. I'm going shopping with a friend this Saturday and I can't WAIT. I hate leaving my baby of course and I'm sure I'll call a hundred times, but I can't stress enough how much I need the time away. I also plan on going OUT more often too. Since I am on maternity leave, I can certainly stay out and go to some of the things I was unable to go to in the past. Not like I sleep these days anyway.

My other rant is about insomnia. I cannot sleep at night. Jack's last feeding is at around midnight and then I go to bed after that and my husband takes over the early am feeding (4 or 5am). I try so hard to just "let go" when I go to bed, but I feel like I'm listening for any squack or squeal and therefore end up getting no sleep until his 4-5am feeding when I know he's in the hands of my husband. So what do I do? Should I take a sleep med? I took Unisom throughout my pregnancy and it helped (I had preggo insomnia as well). To think I used to looooove sleep. I'm thinking those days are over.

I had better get back to Jack... my husband is of course out with one of his friends tonight.

September 20, 2008

Jackson Robert is here!!

Welcome Jackson Robert!

Yup, that's right, our little guy is FINALLY HERE!! This update seems to be taking years to write...

Jack was born on September 11th, 2008 @ 1:07p. He was 7lbs, 7oz and 19.5" long. He is perfect in every way!

Jack's Birth Story:
As you all know... we've been joking all along how much we needed Jack to stay put. As Murphy's Law would have it, the perfect storm was brewing. We had started the process of building our new home in September of 2007- we put our home on the market and rolled the dice. Also around the same time, my best friend got engaged and made me her Matron of Honor. Her wedding date was scheduled for September 12th. Of course we got the news that we were expecting and decided in February that we were going to move forward and start building our home non-contingent. Due to road restrictions our house was set back by about a month. Our hopes of being into our new home by August were dashed- we knew it would be September by the time we got in there. Finally a closing date was set. SEPTEMBER 12TH! Going to be a busy weekend. The jokes started flying about how our little man would be funny enough to make his appearance during that weekend.

It was Wednesday, September 10th and I had gone to the doctor in the morning. My blood pressure was quite elevated and there was some concern over getting me to the hospital to be observed. I was sent away to get back on bed rest. At this point, I was dilated 2cm, 50% effaced and still at a -2 station. I still went to the office to set my out of office, change my voicemail and finish up some last minute business. I made it home early in the afternoon and my best friend and I headed off to get our nails done for her wedding. I came home after that, tired, but still feeling okay. I was looking forward to some serious bed rest. Later that night, I awoke to a feeling that I might have peed the bed. Embarrassed, I stood up out of bed to a gush of fluid and knew- this was it. My water broke. I ran to the bathroom with the waters running down my legs and a trail behind me, cleaned up and awoke my husband from his deep slumber. It was 1:45am. We made a couple phone calls, one to my doctor and to the hospital to let them know I was on the way. I quickly threw together the rest of my hospital bag and out the door we went. Our entire ride I started feeling contractions- about 5-7 minutes apart. Tolerable, but definitely there. We were taken into observations where they monitored my blood pressure, contractions and Jack's heartrate. They also tested my fluid to ensure that it was amniotic. It was. I was admitted to Labor & Delivery and off we went! I was placed on IV antibiotics for Group B Strep, Magnesium Sulfate for my BP and pitocin to speed up my contractions. The pitocin really worked and the contractions started getting extremely painful. They offered me narcotics for pain which I declined and asked for the epidural. BLISS!!! I didn't feel a thing after that. I slept quite a bit as the mag made me feel a little sick and sleeping helped. During this time they checked me quite a few times and I was making good progress- Drew thought it was kind of a hoot to watch my contractions on the monitor and was amazed that I didn't feel shit. They kept insisting that I wear an oxygen mask, but it made me sick and I vomited from it. By around 12:15ish or so, I was fully dilated and ready to start doing some pushing. They called the doc and she was there soon after. The pushing sucked. While I didn't really "feel" anything, my head hurt so badly from the magnesium and to hold your breath and push made my head pound that much more. Drew was an amazing coach. When I thought he might pass out, he was totally there for me. He had an ice pack on my head for my headache and was rubbing my temples in between pushes. He was a great cheerleader, cheering me along through everything. I was so focused on getting Jack out that I didn't even realize that my doc gave me an episiotome and then out Jack came! I heard him cry and both of us started crying- in moments, I was holding my sweet baby as he cried in agony- LOL! To this day he still hates being naked. I was so taken by new baby, I didn't even notice the afterbirth of the placenta. We stayed in the L & D room for a couple hours where I got some lunch and got the chance to nurse Jack. Soon after we were heading to our regular room where Jack and I would spend the next 48 hours!

Truly, the recovery was far worse than the labor & birth. I felt miserable in the hospital. I had to stay on the mag sulfate the whole time which made me feel like hell as well as I had my cathedar in for quite awhile which was uncomfortable. Drew was not able to spend much time with me as he had to move us into our new house as well as photograph my best friend's wedding! I was horribly lonely without him there and definitely not sure what to do with a new baby all by myself! His mom came to spend time with us... it ended up being more annoying than helpful. I was so happy that my sister came to spend time with me that Friday night. I needed her and was so glad she was there for me.

Coming home to a brand new house was strange... while I was excited to start this new adventure I also felt like I was leaving something else behind and that life would never be the same again. Not in a bad way, but just a different way. Like I didn't have a chance to say goodbye to my old life. On top of all this, I was struggling with breastfeeding. Jack wanted NOTHING to do with my breast or my milk. I felt like a failure. He was losing weight. His jaundice was getting worse. I was at a loss for what to do. After hours of sobbing and even more hours of no sleep, I made the decision that we were going to move to the bottle. I just couldn't handle Jack's rejection and I could handle the lack of sleep. I wanted to be a good Mom in other ways too, plus, I needed and wanted the help. Making the change was the BEST decision I could've made. I started actually sleeping, Jack started having dirty diapers and his jaundice cleared up quickly. A month later he has regained his birth weight and then some and is a happy, healthy, wonderful baby boy.

I'm not sorry for not breastfeeding. What I'm sorry about is all the guilt that people have tried to lay on me for making this decision. As if I'm destroying my child by not breastfeeding. It is almost an insult to me... I was raised on formula (in the 70's for god's sake) and I turned out JUST FINE. I am so sick and tired of hearing that he is going to be this sickly child with allergies and constant illness and that he won't be smart. I know plenty of people who were breastfed who are complete and total idiots. I LOVE my boy. Anyone who would suggest otherwise has no right in making that judgement. Just as I did with my pregnancy & birth plan- I did what I felt was right for the immediate health of my baby. Getting an epidural made my birth experience wonderful just as being able to bottle feed has given me my sanity back.

I do feel that I might be suffereing from PPD. I've had some pretty wild mood swings in the past week. Definitely beyond baby blues. I wish I could even explain how I feel... but there aren't words. I feel trapped in my house. I feel like I don't get enough support from Drew. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I hate my body. I hate feeling helpless. I want to feel normal again but not sure if I ever will. I'll definitely be asking for some meds at my 6w postpartum checkup.

Overall though... I love being a mom. I love my baby Jack- he is the love of my life. I never thought I could love someone this much and I can't wait to get to know this little man. It has been only a month, but I feel like he has been a part of us forever.

Thanks to my baby angel for watching over us! Jack is here because of your love.

September 08, 2008

36.5 Weeks... Let the Countdown Begin!

Well, I am around 36 1/2 weeks pregnant and I think I may just be about the only pregnant woman in the entire universe who at this point is praying and hoping that her baby stays put for at least another 2 weeks. Why? This particular week has to be about the worst week in history. My best friend is getting married this Friday AND we are moving into our new house on the SAME DAY. Totally not ideal and neither can be changed! It is my greatest fear that little man is going to try and make his appearance on September 12th as well seeing as everything else will be happening on that day as well.

Meanwhile, I have been subjected to bed rest by my doctor which I am dutifully ignoring. I slip in as much "rest" as I can between work, packing and wedding. My last day of work is Wednesday, then I just have to deal with moving and the wedding and I can officially commit to all the bed rest in the world- that is of course unless he makes an early appearance. Reason for the bed rest is high blood pressure (which, I actually don't think is THAT high all things considering and I've seen worse). I have had some swelling of the feet and hands but other than that, I feel fairly good. I guess it is good if you look past feeling like a zombie after waking up all night long to pee and the bowling ball I am now carrying around for a tummy. Overall, it certainly could be worse.

In other rants... I am officially marking my support here for the McCain/Palin ticket and we'll leave it at that. I swear to god though if I have to watch one more show where someone feels it is necessary to support their political agenda where absolutely inappropriate I am going to scream. I'm talking about the VMA's and the fucktard of a host, I can't even remember his name other than that he is from the UK. FROM THE UK. This guy was the worst and I love that he is getting absolutely flamed for his comments. He wasn't even remotely funny and I don't think he even garnered a chuckle out of me. It was by and far the worst VMA's I have ever watched because of him. I hope MTV has learned a lesson here. GO HOME A-HOLE!

August 18, 2008

33 Weeks and Crabbier By The Day

So I am now about 33 1/2 weeks pregnant, am bigger than a house and ready to hurt people.

First is the road rage. Driving has not been fun for me- rush hour or not, every person on the road drives me absolutely insane. The words that come out of my mouth... even I am ashamed after saying them.

The rest is just annoyance. Now, I don't expect the universe to revolve around me right now just because I'm pregnant, but I do expect people to understand and sympathize with some of the unpopular decisions I have to make due to my size and overall discomfort.

There are couple specific instances that are really disturbing me at this point. I have found that the further I get into my pregnancy and looming birth, the more I want to simply be left alone, especially after the baby gets here. These first few weeks after birth are so important to me. I carried this little boy for 9 months and me and my husband are really the only ones who DESERVE time. The ones who NEED to bond with him. On top of my feeling that I have NO desire to have anyone around after giving birth. I'll be bleeding, sore and miserable. I don't really want anyone to see me like that. I know me, and I'll just want to be left alone to get used to my new baby and to heal. I will feel the need to entertain and to talk, when I know for the first couple weeks, it will take a lot just for me to get out of bed in the morning. I am just getting overloaded with the pressure from that side as well as the comments and anecdotes of "When I was pregnant..." I don't give a flying fuck whether or not your labor was drug free. I don't give a shit that your ankles swelled. It doesn't give me peace- it makes me uncomfortable. My family has been AMAZING. I get an e-mail every now and then simply saying "Hi- been thinking of you. How are you feeling? How is the baby? Keep us posted." How fucking hard is that? To have something not be about you?

The other annoyance in my life is my BFF's wedding. I'm sure I was just as annoying when I got married and this is more than payback, but... come on. I had a super shitty weekend and sent my BFF an e-mail venting about how bad it was. I've gotten nothing but e-mails all morning saying: "Wedding Hotel. I'm working on getting us an early check-in." and "Wedding transportation. What do you think if we got a party bus?" Hmmmm... let me think here... Party bus? I'm going to be 36 weeks fucking pregnant. How much partying exactly will I be doing??? I told her not to bother and that I would be a sober cab to the two roomies I will have with me at the hotel that night. I pray to god they don't get wasted because somehow I just know the pressure of the situation will put me in labor. Overall, I'm just getting annoyed that all we get to talk about is her and her wedding and impending doomed marriage (which is another story altogether... don't even get me started on that one). Actually... I take that back. We don't talk about he marriage- only the wedding. Apparently she isn't aware the world actually continues to turn after that day.

I just feel really alone sometimes- that there is nobody out there who will simply just listen to me and say "Hey- sounds like you had a bad weekend. Let me send you an e-hug and let you know that I love you and that everything will be okay." I swear to god I am trying not to be a pain in the ass to anyone. I don't want to be a burden. Let's be honest though- pregnancy isn't exactly easy. Besides the physical ailments that come with it, there is just constant worry that something might be wrong or that something will go wrong.

As far as updates on the baby... He's doing just fine. He's VERY active and very obviously running out of room because I can feel EVERYthing that he's doing. I have a checkup this Wednesday (34 week appointment) and we'll do an ultrasound to see how big he is, check my cervix and fluid, etc. He is currently measuring about 2 weeks big. We are also hoping to set our date to be induced! Let's hope he hangs on until 39 weeks!!

August 07, 2008

32 Weeks and Let the Inappropriate Comments Begin

Well I have now hit the 32 week mark and the pregnancy is starting to wear on me a little.

Firstly, let me begin by saying that I actually LOVE my baby belly. In my humble opinion I think it is cute. I'm sure it will only grow to be grotesquely huge, but as of now, I love it. I love people knowing I'm pregnant and surprisingly I love it when my friends and family rub my belly. The babe always responds accordingly with a KICK! I love being able to not only feel his movements now but actually see them as he moves about and provides my stomach with very alien-like formations.

Now for the not so good parts... This is kind of minor, but holy bladder Batman. I go at LEAST once an hour during the day, sometimes more depending on my water intake and let me tell ya... when you gotta go? You gotta go. There is no negotiating. All this peeing of course is creating some havoc on my sleep. Now, I love sleep. A lot. I don't even know what a good night's sleep feels like anymore. I pretty much walk around in a zombie-like state on most days amazed if I get any peak in energy whatsoever. Partially contributing to my lack of sleep is my pelvic pain or as my chiropractor so lovingly calls it: Symphysis Pubis Disorder or SPD. What is this disorder? Only the most painful pelvic pain I have ever known in my life. It has hindered my ability to walk like an actual human (I resemble more of a duck now), getting in and out of my car, going up or down stairs, putting on clothes, and of course my favorite: roller over in bed. All of these things cause shocks of excruciating pain in my pelvis and it has been a terrible experience. All I can think of is- am I really going to be able to do this for 9 more weeks??? Thankfully, my chiropractic sessions have GREATLY reduced the amount of pain I'm feeling and finding more every day that I am able to walk around like a person- I even have been taking the stairs down every day rather than jumping on the elevator. I still look like a jackass doing most other things though. This last complaint doesn't really cause me much dysfunction in my life other than self-deprication. Swollen hands, feet and ankles are pretty commonplace for a pregnant woman. I want to kick the asses of any pregnant woman who never had this happen to them. It doesn't hurt (at least it doesn't hurt me for the time being) I just look like a character out of Flinstones with my giant club feet and cankles- my feet stuffed in to a pair of flip-flops like sausages. Sexxxxxxy!

I just had my first ever baby shower and it was in a word, magical. I never thought in a million years I would be celebrating the arrival of a baby and it was somewhat surreal to open up all these cute little outfits and think that in two short months (or less) that my little boy would be wearing all this stuff. We felt so blessed and humbled by our guests and the generosity they showed us. Of course there are the people though who are COMPLETELY clueless and make comments that really do NOT make a pregnant girl feel very good about themselves. First of all, it was like a million degrees in the host's house, but I didn't want to be rude in saying anything so I just kinda huffed and puffed my way through the day- never wanting to whine or complain once seeing as it was nice enough for her to have it in her house in the first place. Well... with the heat comes my favorite swollen ankles and feet. Wearing capri pants, I couldn't really hide them and before you knew it I was hearing "OMG look at her feet and ankles- they are just HUGE." I also got a "You poor thing, you look just absolutely miserable and uncomfortable." NOT exactly huge esteem boosters here. While I know they were just trying to be sympathetic, by the end of the day, I was getting more than tired of hearing how much I looked like crap. Why couldn't they just lie to me? Tell me I looked beautiful. Or glowing. Or simply: happy? Someone was even waddling behind me making fun of me. At my own SHOWER! My self-image has been slowly taking a turn.

All in all- I'm a strange mixture of nervous excitement over my baby coming so soon. It is true. He is my dream come true and once he is here, this pregnancy nonsense will be a thing of the past.

Song Dedication to my Angel & My Baby To Be

I listened to this song after my miscarriage nearly 2 1/2 years ago now and it gave me peace. I now play it for my little boy in my tummy and tell him it is from his angel sister in heaven.

Lullaby by Josh Groban


(feat. Ladysmith Black Mambazo)

Hush now baby don't you cry

Rest your wings my butterfly

Peace will come to you in time

And I will sing this lullaby

Know though I must leave, my child

That I would stay here by your side

And if you wake before I'm gone

Remember this sweet lullaby

And all love through darkness

Don't you ever stop believing

With love forlorn

With love you'll find your way

My love

The world has turned the day to dark

I leave this night with heavy heart

When I return to dry your eyes

I will sing this lullaby

Yes I will sing this lullaby


August 01, 2008

In Memory Of...

Today marks the one year anniversary of the 35W bridge collapse here in Minneapolis. I was just thinking about how much I hate using the word "anniversary" for this tragic event. Anniversary to me conjures up such happy images and the bridge collapse was definitely not a happy day.

On this day, a day like any other, I like usual drove home from work in a tired stupor just looking forward to getting home to eat dinner and cuddle with the dog. Little did I know that in 30 minutes, so many would be hurt and lives would be lost. My husband was celebrating his last day of work at his old job and his co-workers took him out for a beer. I had gotten home at around 5:45 that night and was busy feeding and letting the dog out and getting dinner ready- I hadn't yet gone near the TV so I was pretty clueless as to what was going on. Right around the same time, my husband called me to say he was leaving and he'd be home soon. Not thinking twice about it, I went about my business and my phone started ringing like mad... first my mother-in-law. I ignored her call. Then it was my sister. Ignored that call too. Then my mom... that was when I thought "okay, there is something going on here." My mom said "Thank GOD you're home and okay- is Drew there too?" I asked her what was going on and why and she said to just turn on the TV. Before my eyes, the 35W bridge in which I had driven (and been stuck in rush hour on) a million times was in the Mississippi River. My heart stopped. This is the way he comes home- he called me 20 minutes ago... oh god. oh god. OH GOD. I practically hung up on my mom and frantically tried to get through to Drew. He answered his phone in a huff like "why the hell is everyone bothering me" and that was when I burst into tears. I was so grateful he was okay!! Apparently, the guys talked him into staying for one more beer. After telling him what was going on and why there was so much chaos on the streets of Minneapolis he then drove across the Central Ave bridge and saw the explosion of the truck on the 35W bridge and it set in very quickly that his life had been spared. He came home trembling. We haven't taken a single moment of our lives for granted since.

So to this day, we tell our story. Our story about how beer likely saved my husband's life. He will be memorializing this day drinking a Black & Tan just as he did that day.

July 24, 2008

I Can Only Hope...

That I am able to raise my little boy in this way.

I got this from one of my online forums:

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day.

And we were OK.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them. CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

July 15, 2008

28 1/2 Weeks... I Shall Call Him... Mini Me

Firstly, I laughed my ass off when I saw that cartoon... that was ME last week getting a pedicure! It was humiliating!! I kept thinking, what was the point? It is not like I can see my feet in the first place! Of course... why torture someone else with those scary looking feet.

The other picture is a picture of our little boy!! He is seriously like a miniature version of my husband. Having at 3d/4d ultrasound done was seriously one of the best investments we have made in this pregnancy thus far. It was just amazing to see these images. It was as if we were getting a chance to meet our son for the very first time. For the first time this entire pregnancy, I actually felt as if this is finally for real. Up until now, I was in the surreal stage, but now I truly believe this is really happening and am so very excited.

Having a baby is not without its share of issues though. Especially the issue of which side of the family is going to get the most attention. We both feel ridiculously torn in two directions. While my husband's family means well, they are sort of forgetting that there is another set of grandparents who are as equally excited but not as "forward" and are now feeling as though they are getting the brush off. I am doing EVERYthing I can to keep my parents a part of the pregnancy. I actually feel like I've been communicating WAY more with them than I have my husband's family! So, I don't know what else I can do. All I can say is that both sides BETTER learn to share or neither side will be given any contact with him. I've known ever since our wedding that this was going to be an issue if we ever had kids, so I don't know why I'm so shocked and depressed over it. All I can say is, thank GOD my husband understands. He sees the power struggle and he's not having any of it either.

Changing the subject, I just have to bring up my work. I mentioned that I got a stern "speaking to" about my internet usage and that "people notice" when I leave 10 minutes early (for god's sake I'm a salaried employee!!). Beyond that, my review actually went quite well. I've always preached that I hated reviews because I always feel they are negative in nature and consistently point out the negatives. My boss actually did a great job of telling me what was going well, that I've saved the company a lot of money for taking on the Marketing "creative" and that I get a raise. The negatives he did point out, he asked for my opinion and we worked on a solution for how we can make it better. That is EXACTLY how a review is done people!! I walked out refreshed and excited once again about my work. Even more importantly, they gave me an office! With a door! And a window!! No more cube!! No more co-workers peering over my shoulder at what I'm doing! I seriously couldn't be happier. This is the first time in my professional career that I've been given an office and although my job position and duties have not changed in the LEAST, I feel like I've moved up in the world and am getting (even if just in my imagination) some respect. I find it funny how being able to look out a window during the day can change your entire perspective!

On another change of subject- we sold our house! What a relief that is. Unfortunately, we aren't able to close until September 18th! ACK!!! Seriously. I could go into labor while signing all the paperwork. So, LITTLE MAN. My message to you is to PLEASE stay put until your due date! THANK YOU!! He just kicked me, so he must understand!

July 03, 2008

I'm In My 3rd Trimester!!

There is seriously more truth to this cartoon than you'll ever know... Let's just say after a rather filling meal at Applebee's, a medium Snicker's Blizzard from Dairy Queen is NOT necessary, or possible for that matter!

I'm a little in awe that I am finally in my 3rd Trimester. I'm a mixture of excited and nervous all at the same time. Importantly, I cannot WAIT to start our lives with this little guy. We have so many plans and so many things that we want to share with him. We never thought it would be possible to have him in our lives and feel so humbled and so blessed.

At 27 weeks I'm doing well. I haven't had the urge to puke in at least a week so that is progress!! The only issues I have now are dealing with some pelvic pain which walking helps to alleviate and big time trouble sleeping. Between getting up to pee every couple hours, my sleep is very restless. Oh how I love to sleep and how I hate that I cannot! Starting next week, I will be going to the doctor for checkups every 2 weeks. Also next week is our 3d/4d ultrasound which should be fantastic!! I was excited to hear that invitations to my baby shower went out this week. I cannot WAIT for the shower! It is kind of the first time that we'll really have "stuff" to help us get started on getting ready for our little boy. A lot of this is so surreal to me since I never thought I would get this chance.

Happy 4th of July!!!

Baby Mine

I listened to this song this morning and of course... it made me cry!

It is from Disney's Dumbo

Baby mine, don't you cry
Baby mine, dry your eyes
Rest your head close to my heart
Never to part, baby of mine
Little one when you play
Don't you mind what you say
Let those eyes sparkle and shine
Never a tear, baby of mine
If they knew sweet little you
They'd end up loving you too
All those same people who scold you
What they'd give just for
The right to hold you
From your head to your toes
You're not much, goodness knows
But you're so precious to me
Cute as can be, baby of mine

June 26, 2008

26 Weeks Already???

I confess. I've been a bad preggo blogger.

I got my hand slapped at work a couple weeks ago for "internet surfing" so I've been watching my time spent. Apparently blogging and working on my writing doesn't constitute time well spent at work? Truth be told, I do a lot of internet research for my job, so anyone who has commented on my usage may not know the full truth.

So, yes, I'm 26 weeks along today. Weird. My tummy is getting bigger by the day, and my clothes are getting tighter. I cry and throw temper tantrums at the drop of a hat. I'm starting to worry that we're running out to time to get prepared for this baby- I mean, we literally don't have ANYthing. No furniture, no clothes, no NOTHING. I'm sure all that will change after the baby shower, but it doesn't diminish my stress level. I'm also concerned that we will not be in the new house by the time the baby comes. I'm so jealous looking at everyone else online getting their nurseries put together!! On the other hand. We're building a BRAND NEW HOUSE!!! It is so exciting and amazing. I cannot WAIT until we are there! Here's a pic of the place! I just know we are going to be so incredibly happy there.

In other news... the pregnancy is going just fine. The little dude is kicking me like CRAZY and I'm anxious for hubby to start feeling him kick. It is really the most amazing feeling and I smile and giggle every time I feel him. As much as pregnancy pretty much blows for the most part, it is the parts like him moving and seeing him on the ultrasound that make it all worthwhile. We decided to book an elective 3d/4d ultrasound and we can't WAIT to see him in full detail! We're also confirmed to take a birth and parenting class at the end of July, which is started to look like Labor and Birth for Idiots 101. OH well, it'll be a good chance for the Mr to know what is truly going to happen although he's already convinced that he's going to pass out and they'll need to get the smelling salts out to wake him up. In answer to a question that was asked of me recently... YES we have a NAME!! However, I am sworn to secrecy and will not tell. I'll bet $10 bucks we end up changing our mind anyway so what's the point of telling?

Needless to say, it is going to be a busy summer getting ready to meet and make room for this little person!

June 07, 2008

Vacation From Hell

This pictures pretty much sums it up (I'll leave it up to you whether or not you think it is real!)

Here's my travel log since I wasn't able to get online much during the trip.

Day 1: Basically spent on the plane. 4 hour flight to Los Angeles and then another 8 1/2 hour flight to Tahiti. You've never known discomfort until you're PREGNANT and sitting on a plane for that long. Watched Cloverfield 3 times. Ugh. We landed in Tahiti around 9pm and went straight to the hotel and basically went to bed.

Day 2: Discovery of our horrific hotel room. Ants everywhere. The bed may as well have been a slab of wood. The sheets were like sandpaper. My back was a wreck. We headed down to a disgusting breakfast and then put our suits on and headed to the pool for a day in the sun. The pool was nice- it was cool and refreshing. Against my better judgment, I drank an ice cream drink (yes, non-alcoholic). We then went snorkeling off the beach- saw a lot of cool fish. Crazy strong current and tough to swim in. After that was my husband's awards ceremony which took place at another hotel. It was HOT as hell during this 90 minute boring thing sitting on a plastic chair. Following the awards was a dinner... I was starting to feel very hot and uncomfortable and SICK. Well sick is exactly what I got the minute I smelled the mass amount of seafood. I became violently ill for the rest of the night and we started to worry about both the health of me and our baby boy.

Day 3: Called the on call doctor in to have me checked out. The baby was doing fine. I was extremely dehydrated and the doc basically gave me a shot to stop the vomiting (which knocked me on my ass). We were able to fly to Bora Bora where I pretty much spent the afternoon in bed. Which, by the way, really was the most comfortable bed on the entire planet. We were in an over-water bungalow and the views and the water were absolutely amazing. Like nothing I've ever seen.

Day 4: Woke up after hours and hours and hours of sleep feeling much better! Had a decent breakfast and decided it was snorkeling day. We were able to snorkel right off of our bungalow. I had two little fish friends that followed me the ENTIRE time we were out there! So cute. I think they were protecting my tummy and the baby. We then took a break and went to get lunch. We waited a 1/2 hour to get waited on. Another 10 minutes before our drinks came (uh... beer and a Coke?) and then another HOUR to get our food- a fish sandwich and a club sandwich. An HOUR. We were pissed. Husband's stomach then turned sour and we went back to the bungalow to rest. We did get out for a little more snorkeling and then got cleaned up to watch an amazing sunset.

Day 5: Off to Moorea! We took the ferry back to the airport and then the 50 minute flight to the pretty island of Moorea. Again another beautiful resort, and another over-water bungalow. Not as GREAT as Bora Bora but ice cold air conditioning and a comfortable bed to sleep in. The sea life was definitely very active here- saw a lot of crazy creatures- especially at night. The birds were crazy noisy and we actually saw a shark off of our deck!!

Day 6: We rented a car and headed out to the Belvedere lookout which was incredible. We then took the hour and a half drive around the island and had a great time just getting out and away from the resort. Got back to the resort and sat out on the deck to get some sun. We then got ready for our Polynesian Dinner & Show. It was the BEST DINNER we had all week! Steak, baked potatoes, pasta salads... YAY!! We ate like kings. The show was entertaining- definitely not very professional, but it was fun to watch and we were entertained. The heavy beating of the bass drum really got the baby kicking!

Day 7- Day 8: Back to the hell hotel. As we get there, we find out that due to the Air France strike that our flight had been delayed because a CATERING TRUCK hit the plane that was supposed to get us home! We were delayed around 12 hours. After no sleep because of the roosters that crowed all night (at least there were no ants this time), we headed to our flight at 4am. Another 8 hour flight- better movies this time (National Treasure 2 and 27 Dresses). We got to LA around 6:30 at night only to find that our flight to San Fran (yup that's right we were routed to San Fran before getting home to Minneapolis) was delayed. Will the nightmare ever end??? We barely made our flight back to Minneapolis and by this point were ridiculously tired and ready to be done. Our red eye was a nightmare- fully booked and nobody had any remorse or pity. I ended up in the window seat having a panic attack. So after around 24 hours of travel, we made it back home only to find that our luggage didn't make it. We made it home around 7:30a central time. I have NEVER been more happy to be home and in my own bed. I slept until noon. We got luggage back later that night and the nightmare was over.

What I did learn from this trip:
1) To save my money next time and go to Hawaii for a Polynesian experience. Who the hell wants to pay $25 for a cheesburger???
2) My husband is amazing. It was a very rough and stressful week with getting sick and a tough time eating and he was understanding. More understanding than he needed to be and I am so grateful he stuck it out with me. During my panic attack he was a rock. He could've simply passed out and let me suffer but he stayed up with me until I calmed down. Again... I am blessed and lucky to have him.
3) Our next vacation will be in the good ol' USA!!

May 23, 2008

Tahiti Around The Corner

So we're off to Tahiti in just FOUR DAYS! I can hardly believe it! I think I have done about all the shopping possible not only for this trip, but I pretty much have my summer covered. I'm so determined to be comfortable for the trip no matter what it takes. I just have to laugh at all the "warnings" that are out there for pregnant women. I swear, they should just put us in a bubble for 9 months. Don't get me wrong, I love my little boy more than life itself, but some of these things are truly ridiculous. Example... someone said that sunscreen was harmful! Like a naive little idiot I went running to my doctor to ask and she looked at me like I was a moron. She said "I don't care what kind of sunscreen you wear as long as you WEAR IT." My hard lesson was learned when I went to Mexico and didn't lather up quite as well as I should have. I came home with a severe sunburn on my face that BLISTERED (that's right my forehead BLISTERED) and my right eye was swollen shut. Someone forgot to inform me that your skin can change drastically in pregnancy due to hormones and what not. Well, my skin apparantly got much more sensitive. I am definitely not taking any chances on this trip!! My other favorite is the soft-serve ice cream debate. Now... I know there are some places out there that probably don't clean their machines up to code; however, I worked at an A & W as a Car Hop in high school and the owners were EXPLICIT on how to clean our ice cream machine. There was no way any bacteria would be growing on it after the cleaning it got on a daily basis (sometimes more if there were more orders). While I'm not running out to McDonald's on a daily basis for a twist cone, I'm definitely not taking my ice cream off the list! I've been somewhat cautious about the deli meats, but I figure eating a Subway (from a very suburban, reputable and CLEAN Subway mind you) is much better for me than getting a Whopper & Fries from Burger King. My other favorite is the aspartame debate. Do you know how much aspartame you would need to ingest for it to cause any serious harm or problems???? I don't think my daily stick of gum is going to lead to any problems. While I admit, I haven't been as "careful" as I could be, my babe is doing just fine and great. He's growing like mad and kicking up a storm. That's all the reassurance I need!

Other than that... nothing new to report! Just excited to get on that plane and head to paradise.

May 20, 2008

20.5 weeks and It's A...

It's a BOY my friends!!!

I had my 20 week ultrasound last Wednesday and it was AWESOME!!! We found out that we're having a little boy and we just couldn't be more thrilled. More than anything, we are just thrilled that he is healthy and doing well. He was so cute! He kept putting his hands up in front of his face as though he was hiding from the camera. I just couldn't be more in love with this little guy. The cartoon I chose for today was in reference to his manic kicking- I swear he gets more and more active every day which is AMAZING. I've never felt anything more cool and I feel so connected to him when he's kicking the crap out of me.

We have chosen a name... however we are not disclosing it until he is born! We just didn't want to deal with anyone's disapproval of the name we chose. No matter how much anyone begs, we will not break!!! Besides, having this secret between the 3 of us (me, my husband and the baby)... well, 4 if you include Sadie (good luck getting her to talk!), I feel like we have kind of a private, special bond with him.

We did register over last weekend which was... an experience. Two new parents walking around Babies-R-Us absolutely clueless and overwhelmed trying to figure out how the travel system strollers work. We had NO IDEA what the heck we were looking for! It was quite funny. I think we got it figured out though and have registered for an amazing nursery. I can't WAIT until we are in our new house and can put it all together!

Well, I'm off to eat... which is what I do best these days!

May 09, 2008

19w and Kicking!

It is hard to believe I am almost to the halfway point!! Thank GOD. This Wednesday, we will finally get to find out the gender and I can't wait! We'll finally be able to give this kid a name and identity as well as do some shopping. As far as the name game goes... My darling husband doesn't want to tell anyone what name we decide on! Says he wants to keep at least one thing secret. I think the idea is ludicrous! Like I said, I want to start giving this child an identity (on top of all the cute personalized things that people can get for him/her). I'm just ready to start making it a person rather than just a baby or a him or a her.

On that same token... I'm sure he's just afraid of unsolicited advice from people (that I've already gotten). The LAST thing we need is anyone criticizing the name we choose for our child. I can name at least 2 people who will be pissed if we don't choose what THEY want. If they aren't pissed all we'll ever get is guilt trips. So, yeah... I guess I can see my husbands point of view; however, it is OUR child and OUR choice on the name! Nobody else. The other unsolicited advice came on the subject of labor and delivery. This person had the audacity to question my want and need for an epidural if/when I should need it. I think it went something like this... "I had my children naturally and never needed the epidural. I used breathing techniques." Well yippee for you! No woman is the same and should I choose to ward off the pain with a little medication that is MY CHOICE. The other comment was in regards to the hospital I will be giving birth at- let's just say, I don't give a shit how they treat their employees or the "politics" involved with this hospital system- I only care about quality of care which is top notch. Both my nephews were born at the same hospital and my sister and all of us were treated with only care and respect. Despite that- I have no choice in this. My doctor only does births at this hospital. I LOVE my doctor and refuse to give her up! Those who don't want to show their face there don't have to come!

My sister could not have put this any better: Hormones, hormones, whatever, you are the one pregnant, you are the one carrying the legacy, you are the one who is miserable most of the time, they should be kissing your ass. It's all about YOU. This is YOUR time. That was my attitude during pregnancy, funny how most people forget what it's like though.

I've been a ball of emotions and mood swings for the past couple weeks. Can you tell?

Importantly, this Sunday will be my first ever Mother's Day as a mama-to-be and I'm so excited and so blessed to finally be able to celebrate.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mama's and mama's-to-be out there!

May 07, 2008

Song Dedication For Baby

"My Wish" by Rascal Flatts

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big

May 01, 2008

It's MY Birthday!!

That's right! It's my birthday today!!! Kinda funny... this is the first year I think ever that I just don't care all that much. Too many other exciting things going on! On the other hand, I have to admit that I wish someone would at least try to make a big deal out of it, ya know? I mean... I'm taking myself out to lunch, I'm going shopping by myself... I had to remind my husband what I wanted for my b-day dinner (a little tradition of ours) AND he wasn't planning on getting me a gift!!! He said "Oh- you wanted that ON your birthday??" Someday, he is going to surprise me... I just know it. Yeah, right. Keep dreaming! LOL!

There are a lot of exciting things happening though. Today is not only my birthday but the start of my 18th week and 5th month of pregnancy!!! Holy CRAP! 5 months along already!!! In so many ways it still feels a little surreal, but now that the baby is moving around a bit and I definitely am showing it has begun to feel real. I feel as though it is really happening and I will actually get to meet this little person in just 4 short months!! In terms of my showing, this cartoon says it all. Just yesterday a bunch of colleagues who haven't seen my in awhile were all touching my belly and it was... odd. I kind of laughed it off but couldn't help but feel mildly violated! My husband is still a little freaked out by the belly, but he did say it looked cute! I love my baby belly!!!

The other exciting news is that we might be close to FINALLY getting an offer on our house!!! What a GREAT GREAT GREAT birthday present that would be!!

As you can see, there are many exciting things that have happened to us over the past year or so. I attribute all of these great things to my study and practice of The Secret. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just Google it. The main theory behind it is simply the power of positive thinking. When you surround yourself with positive energy, then the things you want and hope for are attracted right back to you. I kid you not, when I started to read this book, I wanted a new job, more money, a baby and quite simply to be happy and content. I HAVE GOTTEN ALL OF THESE THINGS by applying The Secret. Another way to look at it is to call it a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you THINK that bad things are going to happen to you, then bad things are probably going to happen to you. Imagine that if you change your outlook and start thinking about things in a positive light, then good things will only come your way! I have a friend who seems to constantly have bad luck happen to her- I keep reminding her of The Secret and how important it is to think positively, even when things seem horrible. Yet, every e-mail and phone call I ever get is how desperate and horrible her situation and finances seem to be. I know it seems insane, but if she'd just change her line of thinking I KNOW that things will get better for her! Being who I am now, it is so hard to be around this kind of negative line of thinking.

Now that I've gone on and on.... my main advice is to be happy and think positively in all aspects of your life and you will be rewarded!!!

Don't believe me? Read this:

April 25, 2008

Soooooooooooooo Sad

I'm a blubber of hormones right now anyway, but this story makes me just incredibly sad. Death Penalty for the man who shot this woman and killed her babies.

Prosecutor: Pregnant teller wounded in Indianapolis robbery loses twins she was carrying

Associated Press
Last update: April 25, 2008 - 1:26 PM

Katherin Shuffield, who was five months pregnant, was critically wounded in the robbery Tuesday morning at a Huntington Bank branch. Police have been searching for the gunman.

Marion County chief trial prosecutor David Wyser announced the unborn twins' deaths Friday.

Authorities and the family had said the 30-year-old Shuffield had been wounded in the abdomen but that the bullets had not hit the twins.

But complications had set in, and one twin was born dead and the other died after birth, said Marion County's chief deputy coroner, Alfarena Ballew.

In a statement, Shuffield's husband, Jason Shuffield, thanked "everyone for their thoughts, prayers and concerns regarding Katherin's condition. While Katherin remains in critical but stable condition, we are sad to announce that our twin babies died late Thursday night. Katherin's recovery is our top priority and she continues to receive the best possible care."

Earlier Friday, authorities said they planned to release three men arrested in connection with the robbery because a story told them by a suspect turned out to be untrue.

Wyser said several details that 25-year-old Shed James Jr. told police were inaccurate. He said James would be charged with false reporting, and police will release the three other men he had implicated. All four had been arrested Wednesday and held on preliminary charges of conspiracy to commit robbery; authorities had said none was believed to be the gunman.

April 24, 2008

17 Weeks Down... 23 Weeks To Go!

17 weeks already!!! I'm starting to feel like this pregnancy is starting to fly by (thank God!).

Nothing new to report really. I've definitely started feeling flutters and baby is on the move! Kind of a cool feeling- I think it moves most when I'm listening to tunes in my car. My baby is going to be a rock star!! Still counting the seconds until my next ultrasound. Everyone seems to be getting anxious to find out what we're having.

Pregnancy is such a weird thing. There are days that I love it, but most days, I have hated it. I very much do not like feeling "under the weather" all the time which is how I've felt for the past 3 months. On top of the nausea... which still exists. For the most part the vomiting has ceased (mostly at my refusal to give in to it) but the nausea is ever present. I believe I may have permanent bruising and marks on my wrists from the stupid Seabands that I've been wearing. I'm tired of food tasting funny and my fear of eating. At least I've had wonderful breath! I can't seem to eat and then not have a breath mint after to get rid of the awful taste in my mouth. I've now started an insomnia trend which I don't understand as I am SO tired all day and then I get to bed sleep for an hour and then I'm screwed for the rest of the night. Perhaps it is training for when baby comes!! Enough of the rant though. I LOVE my pregnant belly. I love the way people smile at me, open doors for me and overall how special I feel. It is kind of like being invited into a special club that nobody understands about until they experience it for themselves. It's wonderful!

We got AMAZING news the other day! We were invited by my husband's company on a trip to TAHITI!!!! We'll be spending a week on the beach in Tahiti, Bora Bora & Moorea. I think we might still be in shock, but we're so excited for this once in a lifetime vacation. It has sort of become our "Babymoon" in other words, our last chance to get away before the baby comes. I cannot say enough how excited I am!!!!

April 22, 2008

Abortion Chick

Okay, so apparently this chick may be a faker and this whole thing a "hoax". Ugh.

Regardless of whether or not this stupid bitch actually did this to herself the idea of it in and of itself is completely ridiculous and offensive.

God how I hate pseudo-intellectuals.

April 17, 2008

This Is Disgusting On SO MANY LEVELS

My god... what is this chick thinking? You have no idea how offended I am by this and how much this pisses me off. Seriously... after 2 1/2 years of infertility and a horrifying miscarriage of my own I have no words. Art? ART? WTF.

For senior, abortion a medium for art, political discourse

Martine Powers

Staff Reporter
Published Thursday, April 17, 2008

Art major Aliza Shvarts '08 wants to make a statement.

Beginning next Tuesday, Shvarts will be displaying her senior art project, a documentation of a nine-month process during which she artificially inseminated herself "as often as possible" while periodically taking abortifacient drugs to induce miscarriages. Her exhibition will feature video recordings of these forced miscarriages as well as preserved collections of the blood from the process.

The goal in creating the art exhibition, Shvarts said, was to spark conversation and debate on the relationship between art and the human body. But her project has already provoked more than just debate, inciting, for instance, outcry at a forum for fellow senior art majors held last week. And when told about Shvarts' project, students on both ends of the abortion debate have expressed shock . saying the project does everything from violate moral code to trivialize abortion.

But Shvarts insists her concept was not designed for "shock value."

"I hope it inspires some sort of discourse," Shvarts said. "Sure, some people will be upset with the message and will not agree with it, but it's not the intention of the piece to scandalize anyone."

The "fabricators," or donors, of the sperm were not paid for their services, but Shvarts required them to periodically take tests for sexually transmitted diseases. She said she was not concerned about any medical effects the forced miscarriages may have had on her body. The abortifacient drugs she took were legal and herbal, she said, and she did not feel the need to consult a doctor about her repeated miscarriages.

Shvarts declined to specify the number of sperm donors she used, as well as the number of times she inseminated herself.

Art major Juan Castillo '08 said that although he was intrigued by the creativity and beauty of her senior project, not everyone was as thrilled as he was by the concept and the means by which she attained the result.

"I really loved the idea of this project, but a lot other people didn't," Castillo said. "I think that most people were very resistant to thinking about what the project was really about. [The senior-art-project forum] stopped being a conversation on the work itself."

Although Shvarts said she does not remember the class being quite as hostile as Castillo described, she said she believes it is the nature of her piece to "provoke inquiry."

"I believe strongly that art should be a medium for politics and ideologies, not just a commodity," Shvarts said. "I think that I'm creating a project that lives up to the standard of what art is supposed to be."

The display of Schvarts' project will feature a large cube suspended from the ceiling of a room in the gallery of Green Hall. Schvarts will wrap hundreds of feet of plastic sheeting around this cube; lined between layers of the sheeting will be the blood from Schvarts' self-induced miscarriages mixed with Vaseline in order to prevent the blood from drying and to extend the blood throughout the plastic sheeting.

Schvarts will then project recorded videos onto the four sides of the cube. These videos, captured on a VHS camcorder, will show her experiencing miscarriages in her bathrooom tub, she said. Similar videos will be projected onto the walls of the room.

School of Art lecturer Pia Lindman, Schvarts' senior-project advisor, could not be reached for comment Wednesday night.

Few people outside of Yale's undergraduate art department have heard about Shvarts' exhibition. Members of two campus abortion-activist groups . Choose Life at Yale, a pro-life group, and the Reproductive Rights Action League of Yale, a pro-choice group . said they were not previously aware of Schvarts' project.

Alice Buttrick '10, an officer of RALY, said the group was in no way involved with the art exhibition and had no official opinion on the matter.

Sara Rahman '09 said, in her opinion, Shvarts is abusing her constitutional right to do what she chooses with her body.

"[Shvarts' exhibit] turns what is a serious decision for women into an absurdism," Rahman said. "It discounts the gravity of the situation that is abortion."

CLAY member Jonathan Serrato '09 said he does not think CLAY has an official response to Schvarts' exhibition. But personally, Serrato said he found the concept of the senior art project "surprising" and unethical.

"I feel that she's manipulating life for the benefit of her art, and I definitely don't support it," Serrato said. "I think it's morally wrong."

Shvarts emphasized that she is not ashamed of her exhibition, and she has become increasingly comfortable discussing her miscarriage experiences with her peers.

"It was a private and personal endeavor, but also a transparent one for the most part," Shvarts said. "This isn't something I've been hiding."

The official reception for the Undergraduate Senior Art Show will be from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. on April 25. The exhibition will be on public display from April 22 to May 1. The art exhibition is set to premiere alongside the projects of other art seniors this Tuesday, April 22 at the gallery of Holcombe T. Green Jr. Hall on Chapel Street.

April 16, 2008

16week Appointment Update!

I had my 16 week check-up today with my OB and everything with baby is looking great!

I am proud to note that at 16 weeks, I have gained only 8 pounds for this pregnancy (4 of them in the last 4 weeks). Now, I just have to hold steady at a 1 pound per week gain and I should be good!! It's still not easy to look at the scale and see it going up after all that hard work I did to take it off. On the bright side, I've got me a beautiful little baby bump and I LOVE it! I love that people look at my belly and smile, I love that more doors are held open for me, I love... being pregnant!

Baby's heart was beating at 147bpm today which again alerts me that we could be cooking a little man in there. Supposedly the old wives tale is that a heartbeat under 150 means boy and over means girl. We will know for sure on May 14th when I go in for the anatomy scan!!! This appointment cannot come fast enough for us!! We're so excited to start picking out stuff for the baby and for the nursery in the new house. Today is one of those days were having a baby actually feels real. That this is really happening and nothing can stop us now! Perhaps that is a bit naive, but considering where we came from in the world of infertility and loss, it is hard to be negative when we've come this far.

I've been doing thinking about names... For the first time in a long time I am starting to question whether or not we should make this boy a "Jr." should it be a boy. There are positives- being named after Dad and starting a tradition, and A.J. is a super cute nickname. However... I kind of feel like we're not putting much thought into giving him his own identity.

Another thing that I've been thinking about is all this craziness over deli meat... Eat it. Don't eat it. Warm it up... I'm sure that Listeria should be a concern, but... I can't get over my craving. Subway is soooooooooooooo good to me right now! I'm trying to limit them, but it is so hard! I know it is a chance to take, but it MUST be more healthy than a Big Mac & Fries right?

April 10, 2008

Holy Crap! 15 Weeks!

Holy crap is right! 15 weeks!!!

Yes, it is indeed possible that gender could be seen by now, but I've still got another 5 week wait until that appointment. What are we hoping for? Firstly a healthy baby. You ask again... What are are we hoping for? Honestly, we'd love a little girl. I'm not sure why. I think it seems like all of our friends and families have little boys and we'd like to be different. I think my husband is just looking for a little princess to spoil. I swear, I'll be happy either way though.

As far as how I'm doing physically, it seems my morning sickness has been put on the back burner and I'm now suffering through a cold!! Will I ever get a freakin' break?? I definitely have a baby belly that I am unable to hide anymore. A co-worker commented to me the other day that I looked bigger than last week... well, duh. hehe.

One thing that I have been struggling with the most is some life-change stuff. While I am absolutely beyond thrilled to become a mother, I feel a sense of loss. Hanging out with the girls last weekend, I realized what a completely different place I am in. One friend has no desire to have kids (nor can she afford one, so I completely would not condone her having babies), another friend is a total career woman- she has a boyfriend but has no desire to "settle" at any point and said she didn't see herself ever having kids. The other is eternally single. Also a busy career girl, she just has no desire to have a boyfriend or settle down. I have NO PROBLEM with anyone making the decisions they have made. I, for one, after being infertile for 2 1/2 years started coming to terms with the life of a DINK (that is... dual income no kids). Now, being pregnant, I just realized how far away I feel from them. I feel disconnected. I love being able to use the community boards to talk about pregnancy, but every now and then, it would be SO NICE to have a close friend or family member to talk to. Nobody seems to understand or, *chuckle*, remember what it was like to be pregnant. Or, I get a lot of the "I had a perfect pregnancy- no morning sickness for me!". Oh shut the hell up! It's just kinda lonely out here in preggo world and I've been a little depressed.

I have a question... if I'm not supposed to be eating cold deli meats, then WHY AM I CRAVING THEM SO DAMN BAD???? If I could eat a Subway Spicy Italian every day, I would be so happy. No. Toasting this sub is not an option- must stay cold!

April 03, 2008

Birth Prediction...

We shall see if this holds true!!! I'm liking a short 4 hour labor- that's for sure!

Madame Zaritska, our resident clairvoyant, wants to help you prepare for the arrival of your child. Here she does her best to predict certain aspects of your labor and birth experience.

What she senses for you
The day you deliver, outside will be cloudy. Your baby will arrive in the morning.

After a labor lasting approximately 4 hours, your child, a girl, will be born. Your baby will weigh about 7 pounds, 8 ounces, and will be 18 inches long. This child will have light brown eyes and a little patch of brown hair.

14 Weeks!

Surreal. 14 weeks.

Yes, I have started to show and I'm LOVING it! I just feel like a cute little pregnant girl. Now... to get rid of this morning sickness crap. The last two days have been relatively good, but the NIGHTS not so good. I lost another couple pounds this week and being in my 2nd trimester, I am ready to start gaining a couple pounds! Importantly, I just want the baby to be healthy.

Speaking of healthy... We got the results back from our NT bloodwork and they said everything is perfectly normal and to CELEBRATE! Nothing better than to hear from your doctor that you should celebrate! We are so relieved to hear that our baby is so far "perfect".

One thing I keep hearing, especially on the boards, is that some women are saying it is going by so fast! WHAT?! LOL! This chicks probably didn't have morning sickness. I guess in retrospect the time has gone by relatively quickly. I know we don't want to miss a thing. We've actually decided that we are going to pay for an elective 3d/4d ultrasound later in my pregnancy. I think we just want to have something special as a keepsake to remember this amazing time in our lives.

ANOTHER thing I heard that was kind of... disturbing... were women who had morning sickness were saying that they were wishing they weren't pregnant and they could care less about the outcome because they didn't want to be sick anymore. Now. I'll be the first one to admit that I've been a total crybaby about the whole morning sickness thing (especially seeing as I am not one of the fortunate ones who got rid of it at 12 weeks) BUT I would NEVER NEVER NEVER wish those things in a million years. I want and HAVE wanted this baby for the past 2 1/2 years since we've started trying. I can totally understand whining about how being sick for freakin' 10 weeks really sucks big ass, but to wish for a miscarriage? Who would SAY such things? Perhaps you should have thought about the consequences before getting yourself knocked up. I swear... some fertiles are so undeserving of their babies.

Hi Geno!

April 01, 2008

Giddy Jr. High Girl

I will have my DVR set for this!!! LOL! Mostly morbid curiosity... but... seriously a little excited.

Block Watch: Keeping an Eye on the Kids

MSN Music

Following two months of rumors that New Kids on the Block might be back on the block, the '80s boy band is slated to appear on the April 4 edition of NBC's "Today" show.

The network appearance was reported March 31 by People magazine's Web site, where the first reports of a reunion for the erstwhile teen dreams were posted in late January. Reports that the Boston-based quintet would launch a comeback have been rising in pitch and frequency since, which was underscored by the unveiling of a redesigned NKOTB official Web site saluting Donnie Wahlberg, Jonathan Knight, Jordan Knight, Danny Wood and Joey McIntyre.

MSN Music has obtained new video interviews with members of the group, as well as a teaser trailer featuring clips of broadcast reactions to the prospect of their return. Conspicuous are giddy reactions from female celebs, including Elizabeth Hasselbeck, acting less than their age at the thought of junior high heartthrobs returning to active duty. The timing for a reunion is propitious: This year marks the 20th anniversary for "Hangin' Tough," the group's sophomore album release that established the group's commercial clout through hit singles such as "I'll Be Loving You (Forever)," "You've Got It (The Right Stuff)" and the title track.

A reunion for the platinum act marks a new twist to a time-honored "boy band" tradition that has reappeared for each generation since the 1950s. With the New Kids, it was Gen Y that largely fueled the screams and swoons, reacting to a videogenic group assembled by impresario Maurice Starr in the wake of his crossover strategy for New Edition. NKOTB's success in expanding Starr's teen R&B equation into an even broader pop, hip-hop and R&B mix established a template that would be emulated a decade later by the Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync and 98°.

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