November 05, 2007

Hanging By A Moment

I know, I know... I left you all hanging. Your 3 favorite letters... BFN. It's okay though! I swear!
For the first month in a really long drawn out time, I actually didn't cry when the test remained stark white throughout my 2WW or when the spotting began. Shockingly... I think testing early actually lightened the blow a little bit.

So yes, that makes it officially 2 years that we have been TTC. I've been trying to assess what I've learned throught my journey so far and have come up with many fleeting thoughts.
1) Loss has actually made our marriage stronger
2) It is virtually impossible to "relax" after 2 years of TTC- temping and POAS is a way of life.
3) It is impossible to tell on your chart if you are pregnant at 3dpo.
4) Infertility hurts my husband as much as it hurts me.
5) Fertiles are absolutely clueless when it comes to infertility.
6) With the number of infertile men and women out there, why is it not covered under insurance, or, better yet, why am I only covered to 10K? 10K!!! Let's see... that covered MAYBE one month of treatment. OH and that is a LIFETIME MAX. Cheap assholes.
7) Clomid sucks
8) Miracles do happen- one of my oldest and dearest friends is living proof that after 5 years of poking, prodding, surgery, drugs and her husband's relentless embarrassment over the sheer number of SA's he's given over 5 years that they are FINALLY (and yes, I'm using the F word here) pregnant with twins.
9) It has been 2 years of infertile, but 2 years of an amazing marriage
10) Having a child is not the be all and end all of our existence. Our life will go on.

While I am at peace (waaaay deep down) that I may never have children, we are not giving up hope. My current efforts now include my dear husband taking MegaMen vitamins- while I haven't a clue if they will help us make a baby, he sure is randy these days! Highly recommended! We are also trying to bring the "fun" back into our relationship. Our timing efforts this month will include finding more... exotic places throughout the house to procreate as well as different times of the day. I'm also keeping the "important" fertile days a secret. I'm not telling him when the time is right, I'm just going to be a wife this month. I also started a new supplement called FertilAid. Not sure if it will remotely do anything, but it is a worth a try. Heck. I'll try anything once. I spent the money and used the fricken OVWatch for god's sake. Nothing could be stupider than that!! The most important thing that I am doing for my fertility now is losing weight. While I'm doing it in order to be IVF eligible, I truly believe that losing weight alone will do wonders for my health and well being. I am currently down 12 pounds and have about 30 more (and more if I can!) to go. I will not give up. I will not break down!

Admittedly, I have been spending more time in fertility online chat rooms... I had been trying to avoid these places as they have a tendency to make me a little crazy and a little desperate. I do enjoy the small buddy groups I am a part of, but some of the larger forums I have a hard time being a part of. A lot of negative energy floating around some of them: fertiles that like to rub their easy BFP's in everyone's faces, fertiles that test at 3dpo and think they see lines, infertiles that are bitter and mean... Interestingly, I can see both sides. At a naive 5 months TTC, I got my BFP. I wasn't a part of any forums at that time, I used an offline software program to track my fertility. It wasn't until I miscarried shortly after that BFP that I sought out help and support. Now, being what I consider an infertile, I can see where the bitterness and resentment comes from... I just think that taking it out on a fertile isn't going to make things better. Oh what I would give to be naive again!!! Importantly, I am trying with every ounce of my soul to be positive and practice The Secret to get my baby. I will never stop hoping!

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