November 30, 2007

Winter Is COMING!!!!

In honor of Minnesota's first big winter storm on the way, here are some of my favorite cartoons!





November 27, 2007

Random

Firstly, I just have to post this:

Patriots fans boo Victoria's Secret supermodel?
Now you would think that a stadium-load of red-blooded American football fans would be more than delighted to see Victoria's Secret supermodel Selita Ebanks strutting her stuff at the Pats-Eagles game the other night. But noooooo . . . .Word from our spies in the Gillette Stadium stands is that Selita - who was in Foxboro for a panty promotion - was booed by Patriots Nation when she got on the Jumbotron to give away free lingerie. -- Boston Herald

LOL!!! Poor little supermodel. Why on EARTH would you try to give away lingerie at a football game??

Second topic. I have always been a supporter of various charity. My friend used to work for the MS Society so I sponsored her in the MS150. I've given money to CaringBridge. I've given clothes to the Lupus Foundation. I served on the board of directors for my county chapter of MADD (and I was single at the time!!). I even went on two Group WorkCamp mission trips to help rebuild homes in Georgia and Mexico- once as a teen and once as an adult. Last night, I opened up a mailer from Habitat For Humanity. It had some sob story about a woman who is pregnant, having a baby and the only room she had for a crib was in a closet that was gutted out. Now, most normal people would have a heartwarming reaction to this and want to reach out and help this poor soul. NOT ME!!!!! PERHAPS YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY OR AN APPROPRIATE HOME BEFORE YOU GOT KNOCKED UP. I know this is not a Christian reaction, but from someone who has a beautiful home, a job, a wonderful marriage... it PAINS me to see that people like this are so easily able to procreate and I cannot. I'm not saying this woman isn't deserving of a child... whatever. But, I'm sure it was unplanned. I'm sure for the better part of the pregnancy, the baby was unwanted. Of course, these are all assumptions... maybe she lost her job... maybe her boyfriend/husband was abusive...perhaps even rape who knows. Bottom line: This infertile has no pity for this story. I ripped up the letter and threw it in the trash. Next time, send me a letter about a different family or person. An elderly person or wounded vet. Even a family who might have lost their jobs and found themselves in a precarious situation. NOT some story about some person who got knocked up and couldn't handle it.

November 21, 2007

Day of Thanks

I love this cartoon.

Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. I'm in my 25th 2WW and I'm really hoping that this is going to be a Holiday Season to really give thanks. I'm staying positive but trying not to obsess over being pregnant too much. I'm going to drink wine, eat a lot of food and spend much needed quality time with my family.

We have so much to be thankful for. As much as infertility hurts, I never stop being gracious and thankful for having the blessed life that I have.

On another note... My weight loss journey is still going strong!! I recorded another 1.5 pound loss for the week bringing me to 14 pounds total. I'm stoked, but I keep thinking to myself, how long can I keep this up?? I know that my Group Fitness classes will get easier and will be less demanding on my body over time. The hard part is sticking with it, just KNOWING how much I'm going to hurt the next day makes it really hard to stay motivated. On the other hand, it is thrilling to see the scale go down and know how much good this is doing for my overall health but most importantly, my fertility. I'm hoping that by continuing on with this very positive change in my life that I won't have to go and see that RE next summer. That I won't have to inject fertility meds into my body. That I won't have to go to my doctor every single fricken day. THIS is why losing weight is such a motivator. It's been a long slow road (only 14 pounds in 4 months... ), but I just keep reminding myself that slow is best and will make it more likely to keep it off forever. I can DO THIS!!!

A very Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving to all!

November 07, 2007

Bitter...Hateful. Huh?

Okay... I just had to write about this after watching more infertile drama.

I hang out on a community board that shall remain nameless and lurk around a group in particular that is dedicated to those who have been TTC their first baby for more than a year. I remember long ago when this thread started I was a huge cheerleader of it. What better than to be able to hang out with people who understand what it is like to have empty arms. I quickly learned that their self-depricating, bitter and woe is me mentality was not going to help me feel better about myself or my situation in any way, shape or form. For the fun of it, I poked back in there today to see what was going on and was reminded of just why I stopped hanging out there. One of the posters was complaining (and whining and bitching...) that someone else posted a story about someone they knew that had been trying and doing fertility treatments that finally had success with a 4th IUI. I am certain the story was told to give hope to those who have been doing years of treatment. A way to say- it could happen for you, too. Instead, the response was: "This does nothing for my fertility". Of course it doesn't. MAYBE it might give you a sense of hope. Of faith. MAYBE this person they knew was feeling EXACTLY like you, going through ridiculous amounts of treatments, being poked, prodded... humiliated. So, now it's that people aren't sensitive because you've been TTC a long time, but their 4 or 5 IUI's are nothing. Remember, not everyone is IVF eligible. Remember, IUI may be their only route. No more the woe is me. Feel sorry for me. Be sensitive to me. Maybe you shouldn't be hanging out on a FERTILITY site for god's sake. Maybe start your own social networking site where you can all sit and bitch together about how horrible your lives are.

Now, I've been TTC for over 2 years now. I, too, have my days where I just don't want to hear it, where I don't want to see the "OMG I'm so shocked! It took an agonizing 3 months to get my BFP" crap. On those days, I simply don't subject myself to it. I walk away. I re-read or listen to The Secret. I say a prayer. I do believe that fertiles mean no harm and that overall they are simply naive and cannot even remotely begin to understand what it feels like to never see a BFP or what it feels like to have an HSG or how much it hurts to get a shot in the ass. That doesn't mean they should be attacked and flamed.

Most importantly, I am constantly reminding myself how full and blessed my life is. Wonderful family, friends, a husband that adores me, have jobs, make a load of money, have a roof over our head, food to eat... How can I be disappointed with this life? I can't. So, I give thanks and count these blessings and many more every day.

Anyway, I just have to laugh it off. I'm just as guilty by visiting a thread that I know will be full of bitterness and disdain. If anything, it is good entertainment!!!

November 05, 2007

Hanging By A Moment

I know, I know... I left you all hanging. Your 3 favorite letters... BFN. It's okay though! I swear!
For the first month in a really long drawn out time, I actually didn't cry when the test remained stark white throughout my 2WW or when the spotting began. Shockingly... I think testing early actually lightened the blow a little bit.

So yes, that makes it officially 2 years that we have been TTC. I've been trying to assess what I've learned throught my journey so far and have come up with many fleeting thoughts.
1) Loss has actually made our marriage stronger
2) It is virtually impossible to "relax" after 2 years of TTC- temping and POAS is a way of life.
3) It is impossible to tell on your chart if you are pregnant at 3dpo.
4) Infertility hurts my husband as much as it hurts me.
5) Fertiles are absolutely clueless when it comes to infertility.
6) With the number of infertile men and women out there, why is it not covered under insurance, or, better yet, why am I only covered to 10K? 10K!!! Let's see... that covered MAYBE one month of treatment. OH and that is a LIFETIME MAX. Cheap assholes.
7) Clomid sucks
8) Miracles do happen- one of my oldest and dearest friends is living proof that after 5 years of poking, prodding, surgery, drugs and her husband's relentless embarrassment over the sheer number of SA's he's given over 5 years that they are FINALLY (and yes, I'm using the F word here) pregnant with twins.
9) It has been 2 years of infertile, but 2 years of an amazing marriage
10) Having a child is not the be all and end all of our existence. Our life will go on.

While I am at peace (waaaay deep down) that I may never have children, we are not giving up hope. My current efforts now include my dear husband taking MegaMen vitamins- while I haven't a clue if they will help us make a baby, he sure is randy these days! Highly recommended! We are also trying to bring the "fun" back into our relationship. Our timing efforts this month will include finding more... exotic places throughout the house to procreate as well as different times of the day. I'm also keeping the "important" fertile days a secret. I'm not telling him when the time is right, I'm just going to be a wife this month. I also started a new supplement called FertilAid. Not sure if it will remotely do anything, but it is a worth a try. Heck. I'll try anything once. I spent the money and used the fricken OVWatch for god's sake. Nothing could be stupider than that!! The most important thing that I am doing for my fertility now is losing weight. While I'm doing it in order to be IVF eligible, I truly believe that losing weight alone will do wonders for my health and well being. I am currently down 12 pounds and have about 30 more (and more if I can!) to go. I will not give up. I will not break down!

Admittedly, I have been spending more time in fertility online chat rooms... I had been trying to avoid these places as they have a tendency to make me a little crazy and a little desperate. I do enjoy the small buddy groups I am a part of, but some of the larger forums I have a hard time being a part of. A lot of negative energy floating around some of them: fertiles that like to rub their easy BFP's in everyone's faces, fertiles that test at 3dpo and think they see lines, infertiles that are bitter and mean... Interestingly, I can see both sides. At a naive 5 months TTC, I got my BFP. I wasn't a part of any forums at that time, I used an offline software program to track my fertility. It wasn't until I miscarried shortly after that BFP that I sought out help and support. Now, being what I consider an infertile, I can see where the bitterness and resentment comes from... I just think that taking it out on a fertile isn't going to make things better. Oh what I would give to be naive again!!! Importantly, I am trying with every ounce of my soul to be positive and practice The Secret to get my baby. I will never stop hoping!
 
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