March 05, 2007

I AM HAPPY DANGIT!

Today, I came home to my husband saying that he has very bad news. I'm thinking, oh god, his sister's job fell through, someone is sick, someone is in the hospital...

Oh no. It was that one of his groomsman, only married for six months, is expecting their first baby together this fall. Now, what kind of a person have I become that "Joe" automatically assumes this is bad news!?? I am saying this here, and saying this now: I AM SO HAPPY FOR ROB AND HEATHER!!!!!! Having a baby is a blessing and a gift and they deserve it.

Am I envious, well, yes. It doesn't mean I don't want to see them or meet the new baby when he/she comes. I don't want others to feel that they can't be around us!! I would feel worse if anyone avoided us because of this.

I don't have ill feelings towards the pregnant. I have ill feelings towards myself. I feel broken. I'm sad that I can't give my husband a baby. I'm sad that I don't know why.

Meanwhile, I'm going to move forward with my theory. Before we are able to get pregnant and actually go full term, the universe has to correct itself. The planets have to align. All has to be right with the world. Is it possible we are there? My sister-in-law is healthy again and lands a great job, my best friend gets hired on permanently from her temp job, my sister is getting married... The planets are aligning. It's our turn.

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