January 31, 2007

Another Month Bites The Dust

Well, good ol' aunt flo came to darken my door over this past weekend. Needless to day, "Joe" and I are frustrated beyond belief. We were SO SURE that our timing was perfect and that this was going to be our month!

It was heartbreaking to get the BFN at 17dpo knowing there was no hope. Knowing SHE was on the way. I cried.

So, it is on to Clomid round #3. I don't know what to expect- will the doc let us do IUI? Trigger again? Do I even care? I know I haven't been trying as long as some, but my will to fight for this has been running quite thin. I get frustrated when I hear those comments, as if someone who has been trying for 16 months doesn't have the same pain and longing for someone who has been trying for several years. 2 years is about our max. If we're not pregnant naturally or medically, then we are done with this ride. How anyone can try for 6 years is beyond me. I don't think I could put my body, my heart, and my husband through that. We have so many other things to live our life for other than just trying to have a baby. Our marriage is full, loving, and beautiful and I hope to keep it that way.

Meanwhile, I'll just sit here on my drugs, my gigantically growing ovaries, my massive boobs, my dizzy head and pray that somewhere in the midst of all this, a miracle might actually take place!

January 26, 2007

Infertility Sucks

I can't even begin to say how heartbroken I am for yet another BFN (big fat NO) month. I'm not sure why this month is affecting me more than usual... after 15 months of this nightmare, you'd think I'd be used to it by now. Yet, I'm hurting. I'm tired. I'm sad. I just feel like I'm running out of options! Being the Christian I am, I am struggling with why I am not trusting His grace to help me have a child. I often feel guilty for leading the lifestyle I once did and guilty for being a sinner as I know I am. If this is my punishment, it is a harsh one. I truly do not wish this on anyone and my heart goes out to all those women out there who have to deal with infertility. I am someone who has always had a good handle on my mental health and my emotions, but this has me completely out of control. I've never been on such a roller coaster of emotions- one day being so optimistic and SURE then next being at the lowest point. I don't know how to make it better! I'm not dealing well and wish I knew what to do.

Since we are starting to think about the possibility of IVF, I have chosen along with my "Joe" to restart my fitness program. The IVF clinic requires patients to be between a specific BMI and right now I am teetering at the highest part of that rung. I would like to reach my 10% loss before I go there- knowing that will be a big part of what they will want to see. I guess my taking action and being proactive about all this does in part make me feel stronger. I'm not a quitter, I'm certainly not patient, and I refuse to give up this hope. I WILL have a baby before I'm 35!!

At this point right now, I am currently waiting to hear back from my OB/Gyn on our current next steps. I'm assuming yet another round of Clomid, more ultrasounds, a likely trigger shot, and hopefully, depending on timing, they will let us do an IUI. At LEAST they know this isn't in my head and there actually is an obvious problem with us getting pregnant!!

I will also go and drown my sorrows tonight in a large amount of wine.

Cheers!

January 23, 2007

Negative Nelly. Yup. That's Me.

I really hate being such a downer and always feel that if you expect the worst to happen that it probably will, as in, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I am just really in the dumps today. I hate the roller coaster emotions that go hand in hand with TTC. One day I'm CERTAIN that I'm pregnant, and the next, I'm anticipating yet another long cycle. Today- I'm feeling not pregnant. I hate that I stare at my chart just expecting something magical to come out of the numbers. I hate that I feel so much jealousy towards other pregnant women. I hate that I feel broken.

I could sit and try to post a million things about how to cheer myself up. I could try to find things that are positive in all this, although... I can't even think of one.

I think often about my due date that has come and gone. I should've had a baby with me at Christmas and New Years, for "Joe's" 30th Birthday... I can't understand why this hasn't happened for us again and even if it does, will the fear of miscarriage ever diminish? Will I ever just be able to enjoy being pregnant?

I hate that this is so easy for some women. I mean, I see on some of my sites women that already have 5 kids and are distressed because they are having trouble with making #6??? Are you kidding me here? I would give my left arm just to have one.

Anyway, that's my rant for the day! I needed that vent!

January 17, 2007

AI Is Back- Yay For Distraction!


Anyone who has been reading my blog long enough knows that I am an absolute American Idol freak. So, as expected, I was watching last night's premier in full force. Not only was I excited that it has started again, but they kicked off the season in Minneapolis!! My home sweet home!

Most importantly, I am just happy to have a new distraction at home and get my mind off of my 15th two week wait. This month is especially weird for my wait because of this month's trigger shot of HCG. It is still in my system (still testing positive on all my HPT's) so it is hard to know if I'm having any symptoms at all. Anything I am feeling can be so directly related to the Clomid and trigger. On the other hand, it has been kind of nice to know that there is no real way of knowing and that it is out of my hands until either AF does or doesn't show.

I have to discuss the drama that has been taking over my fertility community. MY GOODNESS!!! I'm more of a lurker than a poster, I post within the On Clomid board and a smaller group of gals who started cycles of Clomid together. It is where I lurk that has been exciting lately!! The battle between TTC #5 and TTC #1 Over 12 Months (me). Basically the gals in TTC #1 have been quite particular about who they let into their forum. It was formed to give support, to girls like me, who kind of don't fit into any other categories. Our journey to have children has not been an easy one. Many, like myself, have suffered from miscarriages, are all on some sort of treatment ranging from Clomid to IVF. Most are very sensitive about the fact that we have never had a child and have not been able to. TTC #5 took a few comments personally and started bashing back with comments like: "They shouldn't have waited so long to have children" (as if I had so many options to give birth in my early 20's), and "Is it my fault they are infertile?" and other such hurtful comments. Bottom line is: someone who has a child (and 4 of them mind you) simply does not understand how much infertility sucks. All I have ever wanted to do is get married and have a family. I am a Christian and of course was going to wait until I got married to have kids. Well, I didn't get married until I was 29 and believe me, we wasted no time starting to TTC. Getting a BFP quickly, I was naive. I never thought in a million years that I would miscarry, but I did and it was the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through. I have not been blessed with a BFP since. The past year has been a rocky road with ups and downs and filled with so many hopes and dreams that get consistently shattered with a new BFN every month. It just kills me to see pregnant women, pictures of beautiful babies, and woman after woman in my forums getting their BFP's. So, if you wonder why I can't be around TTC #5 this is why.

One important decision that "Joe" and I have made is to have a cutoff date. A date when we are simply just done with IF treatments and ready to move on with our lives. That date is May 31st. At that time, I will stop BBT, OPK's, POAS addiction, my fertility charting and anything else that goes with it and leave it up to God's good grace. I will likely remain on vitamins "just in case" but at that point, I will no longer by "trying". We have made the decision not to adopt for many reasons, but most importantly because we don't have $15,000 lying around to make it happen. My husband and I have a lot of love for each other and will lead a happy life just the two of us. We'll travel the world and experience life as much as possible. I will also work to be the best aunt that I can be to my two nephews- they will be my babies to spoil!

I will be okay!

January 10, 2007

Trump/Rosie/Pregnancy

No worries- Trump and Rosie have nothing to do with my trying to get pregnant! On that note, I just wanted to say that the whole fight between them is S-T-U-P-I-D. Trump is a big baby! Shut up and take the criticism like a man. Being ridiculed by TV personalities is part of being famous. UUUUUUUUGH just STFU both of you! IMHO- ROSIE IS RIGHT. That trampy Miss America should've been shit-canned for being such a stupid bitch. If I remember correctly, Miss America is supposed to be a ROLE MODEL not a drunken, coke whore. Oh, and nice come back to Rosie, Trump- "I'm going to send my friends to hit on your wife." WTF is that??? LOL!!! OMG this whole thing annoys the living hell out of me. 99% I could give two shits about either of them so the fact this gets so much air play is beyond me. Nice free publicity Trump. Eat this: *1 finger salute*. Your show sucks.

As far as what is happening in my baby quest...

I went in for ultrasound #1 cycle #2 last Thursday. Big giant follie growing out of my right ovary. This last Monday (January 8th), I went in for my follow-up u/s- the follie was HUGE but hadn't yet opened so my doc ordered me up a trigger shot of HCG. Firstly, I haven't gotten a shot in my ass since I was at least 9 years old. It fricken hurt buddy! Secondly, the shot is basically thrusting the pregancy hormone directly into my blood. So while I feel quite pregnant, I'm not. Fun. As if Clomid hasn't given me enough nasty side effects. The cool part of the shot is that it forces ovulation within 24-36 hours. My poor husband... I think his penis may fall off from all the baby dancing we've been doing lately. So, as it stands, we have done all we can do this month since I ovulated yesterday. It's on to another fun 2WW! *sarcasm duly noted

I feel it is my duty to address yet another question that begs an answer from my friends- how un-romantic is it to try and have a baby??? While yes, I agree, the spontanaeity has completely disappeared from our relationship it has rekindled a sort of... desire for each other. We've certainly had to come up with some creative ideas- you know the sort... music, candles, location changes, etc. It is strange, for me, as I know this isn't the case with many women who are TTC, but I want my man more now than ever! We were kinda whining over the sheer amount of dancing we have to do, but I subtly had to remind him... Remember in the beginning? Once in the morning, once before bed and once in the middle of the night? What happened to those days!!?! Needless to say, I think this whole TTC experience has definitely brought us closer together in more ways than one and I'm quite grateful for it!

January 03, 2007

If You Want To Understand How Infertility Feels...

Then check out this website:

Empty Arms

Ding Ding Ding: Clomid Round #2

I know, I know... I should've updated.

Clomid round #1 was a bust. It was CRAZY. I was super late- AF didn't show until 19dpo and I kept getting BFN's. UGH! I was thinking GREAT, more drugs now to make AF come. She did show and she was meaner than all mean. I was diappointed about not being pregnant, but relieved that there wasn't something wrong.

So, it's on to Clomid round #2. The doctors changed me to take it earlier this cycle- days 3-7 as opposed to days 5-9. Apparantly they want me to make more follicles and more eggies! The side effects have been much better while ON the pills but now following are suddenly worsening. I have now had a headache for 2 days and the dizzy spells are becoming much more frequent. At least I'm not bawling and crying over every little thing- that was sure a nightmare last month. I am HOPING that is all good though. I will go in for my first ultrasound for this cycle to see how the follies are developing- hopefully I will have some nice big juicy ones ready to burst!

We have decided that if this month is unsuccessful, which I seriously don't know if I could bear another BFN cycle, then we will quickly move into artificial insemination. My doctor sure doesn't like to beat around the bush (no pun intended).

I would so love for this dream to come true for us. Over New Years, our friends brought over their little one year old boy who quite possibly is the cutest baby ever. I watched my "Joe" coo and swoon over the little guy- he wouldn't even let anyone else hold him. It made me that much more determined to give him a child. We're so ready and we'd be great parents!

We are being realistic as well. Joe and I make a good living, we have a nice home, and are still madly in love after 4 1/2 years of coupledom. We are happy. While giving in to infertility will be heartbreaking, it is not the end of the world for us. Short of booking the tickets, we have plans to take a 2nd honeymoon back to Jamaica, a tour of Italy, a weekend in Wine Country and countless other dream vacations that no parents of babies we know would be able to take. We enjoy fixing up our house and have the money to do it. We truly do enjoy our "toys" and the finer things in life. Some have even told us- "Why would you want to spoil that with a child!" I guess the moral of the story is, I love my husband with all my soul and no matter which way this tale ends- we will still be together and happy.
 
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