December 26, 2007

Ahhhh The Holidays

Ahhhh... Christmas has come and gone and now New Years is right around the corner. Time for resolutions I'll never keep, renewal and hope. On my honor, I fully intend to keep the faith in the New Year. I know what you're thinking. This girl is a bitter wretched bitch, how on earth is she going to keep the faith? Well, after listening to holiday crabbiness (even from myself) I have decided that life will be more fun if I become a more positive person.

I'm even practicing early! I REFUSE to give up hope that I am pregnant this month. Mostly, because my hubby and I are heading up north to stay in a condo on Lake Superior over New Years. We'll just say that if I'm not pregnant? Something otherwise known as AF is completely going to spoil all the fun. So I'm sticking to my guns, hoping... praying... So far I've had all negs on my tests. HOWEVER (yup, this is positive joko here) it is way early yet. I even imagined a 2nd line on my internet cheapie this morning. One way or another, we're going to graduate from TTC. Good god, I think I may have a Ph.D by now!

Anyway, so far, so good it has been a glorious holiday season. It even snowed on Christmas Day- the big chunky, lightly falling snowfall seen only in Christmas movies and in cards. Minus the BFN, I really couldn't have asked for a more perfect Christmas.

2008 here WE come!!!

December 19, 2007

Naughty or Nice?

Perhaps she was just trying to uh... rub off some holiday cheer?? hehehehe

Woman accused of groping Santa
Sexual assault allegedly occurred on his lap at Connecticut mall

The Associated Press
updated 4:01 p.m. CT, Tues., Dec. 18, 2007

DANBURY, Conn. - Santa Claus says that a woman who sat on his lap was naughty, not nice. A Santa at the Danbury Fair mall said the woman groped him.
"The security officer at the mall said Santa Claus has been sexually assaulted," police Detective Lt. Thomas Michael said of the complaint.
Sandrama Lamy, 33, of Danbury, was charged with sexual assault and breach of peace in the weekend incident. She was released on a promise to appear in court on Jan. 3.
Police quickly found and identified Lamy because the woman was described as being on crutches, said Capt. Bob Myles.
A call seeking comment from Lamy was answered by a recording Tuesday morning. A woman later called back and said: "It's a false report and I don't have any idea."
Police did not give the name of the disconcerted Santa, but they said he is 65 and felt badly because children were waiting to see him. "He was apparently shocked and embarrassed by the whole incident," Myles said.
A man who teaches hundreds of prospective Santas a year — "Santa Tim" Connaghan, president of — said he's never heard of a similar incident, though it's not unusual for adults to want to pose with Santa.
"I've had some very nice ladies sit on my lap," said Connaghan, who did not train the Danbury Fair Santa. "Once in a while they'll say 'I hope Mrs. Claus isn't going to be upset.' You have to be discreet and kind and say 'Oh no, she'll be OK. You can sit here, but only for one photo.'"
A spokeswoman for Cherry Hill Photo, the company that coordinates Santas for Danbury Fair, declined to comment Tuesday.
Copyright 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

December 12, 2007


Thank god there haven't been any snow storms this week. In my excitment for the first big snowfall, I forgot about how much the traffic SUCKS along with it. There is a reason we are moving and that #1 reason is the commute. The day after one of our biggest storms so far this season, apparantly MnDot (i.e. Minnesota Department of Transportation) didn't think it was important to keep on plowing or putting dirt and salt down because the roads were terrible. So terrible that it took me 2 1/2 hours to get to work. That's right. 2 1/2 hours. I seriously thought I might lose my mind.
The only good thing that has happened thus far this season is the fact that my dear husband's family is coming up to our house for Christmas. After my Clomid breakdown last year, I vowed that I would no longer negotiating holidays with my in laws. It wasn't necessarily their fault that I was a complete and utter emotional freako mess last year, but the 999 guilt trips for "choosing" my family over his on Christmas Eve was more than I could bear. For what is going on 29 years, I have always celebrated Christmas Eve with my family. Not only do we go to Midnight Mass, open presents, eat, drink and be merry but it is my brother's birthday. When I was little, I thought he had the coolest birthday EVER, but now... hell no. He's got the shittiest birthday out there. Everyone forgets, and if they do remember, he ends up getting double gifted. Meaning: "This is both your Christmas AND birthday gift!" I have to admit... I am guilty of doing this to him. Now that I am an adult and I make enough money to get above the poverty level, it is finally time that I buy him a real card and a real gift for his birthday. Not one wrapped up with Christmas paper either, but the stuff that says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" all over it. Regardless. I spend the 24th with my family and there is no negotiating around it. So a shout out to my bro Mike- Happy 29th Birthday coming up soon.
My other noteable for the day is my discovery of Facebook. I've ignorned it up until now until my BFF told me to check it out. Good god. I have been completely and utterly addicted to it. Not only just looking for old friends, which I have, but all the little tools, quizzes and CRAP that you can interact with. I LOVE it. It's like crack.
The dilemma I have encountered however... *Warning* If you don't want to read about what a terrible and crappy person I used to be, do not continue reading...
I found an old high school friend. We'll call her EM. EM was the only person there for me in high school when all my bitch ass friends dumped me for no real reason (spouting out some crap about how I'd rather some time with my boyfriend or some ridiculous teenage dramatic jealous rampage BS). She was the only person who wanted to be my friend. The one person who saw me through when that boyfriend dumped me and visions of "I told you so's" were dancing in my head. EM and I remained friends for a couple years into college. We went to different colleges far away so our time together was few and far between. We made new friends and new circles, but remained in touch. I received a call one day. EM told me she had an accident. She was back in the Cities and is in the hospital and paralyzed. My heart really did go out to her and I was immensely sad. However, I was a terrible friend. I never did make the effort to go see her. I never tried. I never called. I never bothered. I was so busy with my new life and new friends that I seemingly forgot about how this person saved me from the senior year from hell. I want so terribly to reach out to her now and just say, "Hey, remember me?" but fear what reaction I'll get. Actually... I fear the reaction I'll get from any of my old circles. I made rude, embarrassing choices. I made a fool out of myself. I know many will say "Who didn't act like that when they were 21?". Looking back I just shake my head. Will I be forgiven for my actions? Will all be forgotten? Will people see me for the loving, hard-working, trustworthy person I am now? The other side of me asks... why even bother reaching out. That's the side where the devil sits. I'm not sure if I need closure or what... I guess I was thinking of the good times. The times that are worth remembering. I ended up having so few in high school, and I guess it is time for me to let bygones be bygones.
Now that I've ranted a whole week's worth here. I must be getting back to Facebook. There are quizzes to be done!

November 30, 2007

Winter Is COMING!!!!

In honor of Minnesota's first big winter storm on the way, here are some of my favorite cartoons!

November 27, 2007


Firstly, I just have to post this:

Patriots fans boo Victoria's Secret supermodel?
Now you would think that a stadium-load of red-blooded American football fans would be more than delighted to see Victoria's Secret supermodel Selita Ebanks strutting her stuff at the Pats-Eagles game the other night. But noooooo . . . .Word from our spies in the Gillette Stadium stands is that Selita - who was in Foxboro for a panty promotion - was booed by Patriots Nation when she got on the Jumbotron to give away free lingerie. -- Boston Herald

LOL!!! Poor little supermodel. Why on EARTH would you try to give away lingerie at a football game??

Second topic. I have always been a supporter of various charity. My friend used to work for the MS Society so I sponsored her in the MS150. I've given money to CaringBridge. I've given clothes to the Lupus Foundation. I served on the board of directors for my county chapter of MADD (and I was single at the time!!). I even went on two Group WorkCamp mission trips to help rebuild homes in Georgia and Mexico- once as a teen and once as an adult. Last night, I opened up a mailer from Habitat For Humanity. It had some sob story about a woman who is pregnant, having a baby and the only room she had for a crib was in a closet that was gutted out. Now, most normal people would have a heartwarming reaction to this and want to reach out and help this poor soul. NOT ME!!!!! PERHAPS YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY OR AN APPROPRIATE HOME BEFORE YOU GOT KNOCKED UP. I know this is not a Christian reaction, but from someone who has a beautiful home, a job, a wonderful marriage... it PAINS me to see that people like this are so easily able to procreate and I cannot. I'm not saying this woman isn't deserving of a child... whatever. But, I'm sure it was unplanned. I'm sure for the better part of the pregnancy, the baby was unwanted. Of course, these are all assumptions... maybe she lost her job... maybe her boyfriend/husband was abusive...perhaps even rape who knows. Bottom line: This infertile has no pity for this story. I ripped up the letter and threw it in the trash. Next time, send me a letter about a different family or person. An elderly person or wounded vet. Even a family who might have lost their jobs and found themselves in a precarious situation. NOT some story about some person who got knocked up and couldn't handle it.

November 21, 2007

Day of Thanks

I love this cartoon.

Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day. I'm in my 25th 2WW and I'm really hoping that this is going to be a Holiday Season to really give thanks. I'm staying positive but trying not to obsess over being pregnant too much. I'm going to drink wine, eat a lot of food and spend much needed quality time with my family.

We have so much to be thankful for. As much as infertility hurts, I never stop being gracious and thankful for having the blessed life that I have.

On another note... My weight loss journey is still going strong!! I recorded another 1.5 pound loss for the week bringing me to 14 pounds total. I'm stoked, but I keep thinking to myself, how long can I keep this up?? I know that my Group Fitness classes will get easier and will be less demanding on my body over time. The hard part is sticking with it, just KNOWING how much I'm going to hurt the next day makes it really hard to stay motivated. On the other hand, it is thrilling to see the scale go down and know how much good this is doing for my overall health but most importantly, my fertility. I'm hoping that by continuing on with this very positive change in my life that I won't have to go and see that RE next summer. That I won't have to inject fertility meds into my body. That I won't have to go to my doctor every single fricken day. THIS is why losing weight is such a motivator. It's been a long slow road (only 14 pounds in 4 months... ), but I just keep reminding myself that slow is best and will make it more likely to keep it off forever. I can DO THIS!!!

A very Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving to all!

November 07, 2007

Bitter...Hateful. Huh?

Okay... I just had to write about this after watching more infertile drama.

I hang out on a community board that shall remain nameless and lurk around a group in particular that is dedicated to those who have been TTC their first baby for more than a year. I remember long ago when this thread started I was a huge cheerleader of it. What better than to be able to hang out with people who understand what it is like to have empty arms. I quickly learned that their self-depricating, bitter and woe is me mentality was not going to help me feel better about myself or my situation in any way, shape or form. For the fun of it, I poked back in there today to see what was going on and was reminded of just why I stopped hanging out there. One of the posters was complaining (and whining and bitching...) that someone else posted a story about someone they knew that had been trying and doing fertility treatments that finally had success with a 4th IUI. I am certain the story was told to give hope to those who have been doing years of treatment. A way to say- it could happen for you, too. Instead, the response was: "This does nothing for my fertility". Of course it doesn't. MAYBE it might give you a sense of hope. Of faith. MAYBE this person they knew was feeling EXACTLY like you, going through ridiculous amounts of treatments, being poked, prodded... humiliated. So, now it's that people aren't sensitive because you've been TTC a long time, but their 4 or 5 IUI's are nothing. Remember, not everyone is IVF eligible. Remember, IUI may be their only route. No more the woe is me. Feel sorry for me. Be sensitive to me. Maybe you shouldn't be hanging out on a FERTILITY site for god's sake. Maybe start your own social networking site where you can all sit and bitch together about how horrible your lives are.

Now, I've been TTC for over 2 years now. I, too, have my days where I just don't want to hear it, where I don't want to see the "OMG I'm so shocked! It took an agonizing 3 months to get my BFP" crap. On those days, I simply don't subject myself to it. I walk away. I re-read or listen to The Secret. I say a prayer. I do believe that fertiles mean no harm and that overall they are simply naive and cannot even remotely begin to understand what it feels like to never see a BFP or what it feels like to have an HSG or how much it hurts to get a shot in the ass. That doesn't mean they should be attacked and flamed.

Most importantly, I am constantly reminding myself how full and blessed my life is. Wonderful family, friends, a husband that adores me, have jobs, make a load of money, have a roof over our head, food to eat... How can I be disappointed with this life? I can't. So, I give thanks and count these blessings and many more every day.

Anyway, I just have to laugh it off. I'm just as guilty by visiting a thread that I know will be full of bitterness and disdain. If anything, it is good entertainment!!!

November 05, 2007

Hanging By A Moment

I know, I know... I left you all hanging. Your 3 favorite letters... BFN. It's okay though! I swear!
For the first month in a really long drawn out time, I actually didn't cry when the test remained stark white throughout my 2WW or when the spotting began. Shockingly... I think testing early actually lightened the blow a little bit.

So yes, that makes it officially 2 years that we have been TTC. I've been trying to assess what I've learned throught my journey so far and have come up with many fleeting thoughts.
1) Loss has actually made our marriage stronger
2) It is virtually impossible to "relax" after 2 years of TTC- temping and POAS is a way of life.
3) It is impossible to tell on your chart if you are pregnant at 3dpo.
4) Infertility hurts my husband as much as it hurts me.
5) Fertiles are absolutely clueless when it comes to infertility.
6) With the number of infertile men and women out there, why is it not covered under insurance, or, better yet, why am I only covered to 10K? 10K!!! Let's see... that covered MAYBE one month of treatment. OH and that is a LIFETIME MAX. Cheap assholes.
7) Clomid sucks
8) Miracles do happen- one of my oldest and dearest friends is living proof that after 5 years of poking, prodding, surgery, drugs and her husband's relentless embarrassment over the sheer number of SA's he's given over 5 years that they are FINALLY (and yes, I'm using the F word here) pregnant with twins.
9) It has been 2 years of infertile, but 2 years of an amazing marriage
10) Having a child is not the be all and end all of our existence. Our life will go on.

While I am at peace (waaaay deep down) that I may never have children, we are not giving up hope. My current efforts now include my dear husband taking MegaMen vitamins- while I haven't a clue if they will help us make a baby, he sure is randy these days! Highly recommended! We are also trying to bring the "fun" back into our relationship. Our timing efforts this month will include finding more... exotic places throughout the house to procreate as well as different times of the day. I'm also keeping the "important" fertile days a secret. I'm not telling him when the time is right, I'm just going to be a wife this month. I also started a new supplement called FertilAid. Not sure if it will remotely do anything, but it is a worth a try. Heck. I'll try anything once. I spent the money and used the fricken OVWatch for god's sake. Nothing could be stupider than that!! The most important thing that I am doing for my fertility now is losing weight. While I'm doing it in order to be IVF eligible, I truly believe that losing weight alone will do wonders for my health and well being. I am currently down 12 pounds and have about 30 more (and more if I can!) to go. I will not give up. I will not break down!

Admittedly, I have been spending more time in fertility online chat rooms... I had been trying to avoid these places as they have a tendency to make me a little crazy and a little desperate. I do enjoy the small buddy groups I am a part of, but some of the larger forums I have a hard time being a part of. A lot of negative energy floating around some of them: fertiles that like to rub their easy BFP's in everyone's faces, fertiles that test at 3dpo and think they see lines, infertiles that are bitter and mean... Interestingly, I can see both sides. At a naive 5 months TTC, I got my BFP. I wasn't a part of any forums at that time, I used an offline software program to track my fertility. It wasn't until I miscarried shortly after that BFP that I sought out help and support. Now, being what I consider an infertile, I can see where the bitterness and resentment comes from... I just think that taking it out on a fertile isn't going to make things better. Oh what I would give to be naive again!!! Importantly, I am trying with every ounce of my soul to be positive and practice The Secret to get my baby. I will never stop hoping!

October 25, 2007

Tick Tock

Seriously. Am I crazy?

I've been so good about not getting so worked up over my 2WW for like the past 8 months and all of a sudden I'm sitting here again thinking, this is it?

Truly, I do have some crazy symptoms this month. I'm sure there are a thousand explanations as to why I am having them and I'm sure they have nothing to do with pregnancy. I am SO sure this month that I started a mini-journal of symptoms. On top of that, my chart is the first promising looking chart that I've had in 2 years (next to my fabulously pretty Clomid charts). I'm currently 12 dpo (days past ovulation). My test today (that's right... I took a freakin' test) appeared to be negative although I swear I saw something. And to think I swore I'd never be one of "those" women- squinting and turning my pee stick over and over until I actually convince myself that there is a line there. Guess the reason I think what I do is that I've seen enough negative ones to know when something seems a little different. Nonetheless, I'm officially out of pee sticks and am going to hold off buying more until I have a reason to be at Target. Also... by this weekend, I'll know for sure as Ms. AF is to arrive on Saturday or Sunday (possibly Monday). Could I simply be testing too early?

Most importantly, whether it works still remains to be seen, I am applying my "The Secret" techniques to TTC. I've asked the universe for a baby, I've asked the universe to give a positive test, we've made plans for what will happen once we know for sure that I'm preggo... and I'm trying like crazy to just BE POSITIVE. No more sad thoughts. No more depressing thoughts. No more "woe is me, I can't get pregnant" thoughts. NO MORE. From here on out, only happy, bouncy baby thoughts!!

I will keep ya posted as this journey moves forward. Here's to my Sunday BFP!

October 19, 2007

Back on the TTC Bandwagon

So I know I've been distracted, house on the market, building a new house, husband out of town... but TTC still goes on... and on... and on...

Recently, one of my best friends informed me that she was pregnant. With twins. My first instinct- I broke down in tears and bawled my eyes out for at least an hour. Then it dawned on me: one of my oldest and dearest friends is pregnant. She has PCOS and has been trying for 5 years. 5 YEARS. I may be going on TTC for 2 years but will likely not take THAT long to get my precious baby. I cannot even imagine. It comes down to the fact that I am absolutely thrilled for her and I can't wait to meet her little beans when they are born.

So, I have renewed my activity in my practice of The Secret. I have sent out my will to the universe and said "I am pregnant" and am planning my life around my July 4th due date. Currently, I am on cycle day 22, 6 days past ovulation, or, approximately 3 weeks along. Obviously too early for HPT's or symptoms, but remember, the universe does not listen to no negative nellys! It is important for me to maintain that I am indeed pregnant for the universe to respond.

On the flip side... I am amazed by the naivety that is out there. I mean... I'm trying to think back and remember 2 fricken long years ago when I started this TTC journey if I really didn't know this much about myself and my body. I think before I spouted out to a message board, I made sure I had my facts straight. I understood what a BBT was and how to chart (at least in theory), what an LP is, and the importance of gathering ALL the fertility signs to truly calculate ovulation. I'm also getting a little sick of: "I've been TTC for 3 months now- I can't believe how long this is taking!". Are you serious? Perhaps I wasn't obsessive enough at the time, but when I got pregnant after 5 months, I was stunned at how fast it happened. Even my OB's office remarked how quickly it happened for us. SIX MONTHS MINIMUM PEOPLE!!! The timing has to be IMPECCABLE and you really have to be in optimal health.

I will admit... I was naive on one account. I never paid attention to the stat saying 1 in 3 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. I assumed because I got a BFP that I was home free and that by Thanksgiving 2006 I would have a brand new bouncy baby to bring to the dinner table. I never thought I would miscarry. I never knew anyone who had miscarried. I never thought it would apply to me. It did. I will never know why my little bean had to go to heaven before it's little fingers even got a chance to grow, but I know that WHEN I do get my BFP next week, that I will not take it for granted for one second. I will insist on the betas and insist on the early ultrasounds. I will proceed with caution until 12 weeks comes and I can freely breathe a sigh of relief. I will see that day!!

As far as the naive posters... I do hope that they get their BFP's swiftly and without the heartbreak of an early miscarriage as I do not wish it on anyone. I hope that they do not ever have to consider what it is like to TTC for years at a time. I hope they have enough time to even try for 2 or 3 more little beans. Most importantly, I hope they don't shove their fertility fortune in my face!!!!

On that note, and with baby dust and sticky vibes, I will sign off.

October 04, 2007


On another note, after a long weekend of visiting what seemed like a million parade of homes, we have decided to BUILD!!!! I couldn't be more excited! I love that this house will be our vision and our dream. We have a beautiful plot of land on hold in Savage, MN and should have our dream house on it by this spring!!
Hopefully not too long after, we'll have a lot of babies to put in it too!

September 26, 2007

Love & Marriage

I know... it has been awhile since I last checked in.

So, the most recent development in life is that we have decided to sell our house and move south. Okay... south as in the other side of the Twin Cities. Times have changed since the last time we sold. Firstly and most importantly is the downsizing and staging that is required by nearly all realtors now.

What is staging you ask? It is hours and hours of painstaking labor. It is a test of even the best marriages. In a matter of a few weeks we have managed to paint every room in our house, pack up as many trinkets and trash as we could- leaving no mark of anything personal about the people we are, vacuumed up at least 10 pounds of dog hair, put up new blinds, remodeled our bathroom... you name it, we've done it. The house really is starting to look pretty amazing, not enough to want to stay in it, but definitely enough to sell. A few final touches and we should be ready to SELL SELL SELL!!!

I laughed at the cartoon because in the midst of all this packing, cleaning and painting were two very cranky, tired individuals: me and my husband. The claws have come out, the words- not so nice. About a week ago, I had made a half-assed attempt to put up decor in my office. I didn't measure, I didn't tweak, I just threw the sconces up on the wall and said "hey, not half bad for eyeballing it." My husband in all his blunt glory said in response, "They look awful." Being the emotional being I am took this as the last straw. In silence, I crawled into bed pulled the covers over and turned my back to his side not uttering another word, crying myself to sleep. The next morning, still pissed, didn't say goodbye and went about my day. Later that afternoon, I get a call. My husband says, "I knew you were pissed when you didn't say goodbye, but when I saw that you didn't make coffee, I knew I was in trouble." hehe

So the lesson of the day to all you men out there. Whether or not you feel you were wrong or right, whether your wife is wrong or right, ALWAYS SAY YOU'RE SORRY. I'm never one to hold a grudge anyway, but he could've shaved 12 hours of pure bitter anger by just saying "I'm sorry" and nothing else. It has been FIVE AND A HALF YEARS and he still doesn't have that move down!!! Maybe in 10 he will get it!

Regardless, selling and moving is a hugely stressful time. We may fight like cats and dogs right now but deep down, we're still madly in love with each other!

August 27, 2007


Not pregnant. Again.
Cartoon on the left says it all. Good thing my husband is out of town- he doesn't have to deal with my wrath!
Happy Monday.

August 23, 2007

It's That Time Again

You know... that time of the month when I start getting all crazy thinking that I might be pregnant even though two years of not getting pregnant should really make me think otherwise.

This month is no exception. I have no reason to think I might be pregnant other than the fact that we did the deed. Timing wasn't great, BBT has been erratic, yet here I am about to delve into comparing my BBT chart with preggo BBT charts. Will I ever learn? Or is this just the way life is for me now?

A part of me cares. I mean, I certainly would love to be a mother, but... there is that other nagging part of me which is saying that it is okay if it doesn't happen. I'd love to say it will happen when I'm least expecting it, but I'm always expecting it!

On another note, my best friend just got engaged to her boyfriend of 2+ years!! CONGRATS GIRLFRIEND!!! Here's hoping for a Jamaican wedding next fall!

August 16, 2007

August 14, 2007

Storms & Amateur Video

Every summer, my husband looks forward to severe thunderstorm season. I think the cartoon sums it up best- he is the guy sticking his head out the window with his video camera in the middle of 70 mph winds, searing rain and cloud to ground lightning.

Last night, the Twin Cities area (specifically the northern suburbs) got hit with two lines of severe storms. The first brought with it golf ball sized hail. While that isn't normally that huge a deal, the fact that it hailed that size hail for more than 15 minutes is. How the windows didn't shatter is beyond me. It was the loudest, scariest noise I have ever heard hitting my house and the first time I have taken cover since I was maybe a small kid. My dog and I hovered in the basement hallway not sure whether the windows would break or the roof would cave in. It was surreal. That was just the first storm. The next one to come along wasn't as exciting- a lot of lightning, some good wind gusts and a LOT of rain. We were grateful that our windows stayed in tact- I'm not sure how we would've managed the next set of storms had we sustained more damage. On the negative side, one of our gutters busted a leak and water was absolutely spewing everywhere from it. Not good.
After getting to bed at 1am and up again at 5:30a for work, the morning light showed what damage was done. As if it were a fall day, there were leaves everywhere littering yards and streets. Leaves lined up in perfect rows on the yards marking how far the flood line extended. Our house showed the large indentations from the golf ball sized hail that pummeled it for 15+ minutes straight. The roof damage has yet to be assessed. Shock and awe at the power of the storm were evident by the looks on our faces. We are lucky it wasn't worse. Our family is still safe and our home is still safe.
I tell this story, because I tease my husband about his obsession with videotaping storms. Mostly, he is a weather nerd and is amazed by them and wants to get as many hits on YouTube as humanly possible. For once, his nerdiness came in handy. The insurance company will be unable to deny our claim for new siding and a possible new roof because we have the entire storm on video.

August 13, 2007

Nerd Post of the Day- Josh Groban Concert

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a deep appreciation for the arts. While I grew up listening to Madonna and Bon Jovi, my heart belonged to Bach and Mozart. I am a musician- I have played the piano, flute and clarinet in my 31 years but most important and dear to my heart is singing. I took 10 years of vocal training, sang in countless weddings and performed with a touring choir throughout college. Singing is my soul and my passion.

I've been ripped endlessly for my odd obsession with Josh Groban. I recently went to his concert here in St. Paul and it was, by and far, THE best show I have ever been to. Despite the endless teasing from my husband, I am NOT ashamed to say how much I enjoyed it although I may have been one of the youngest people at the show. Coming from a classically trained vocalist such as my self, Josh's voice is the epitome of everything we singers strive to be- pure and utter perfection. For two hours, I sat mesmerized by not only the show itself, but by the fact that he was flawless. He didn't make mistakes- at least, none that I was able to hear. Not only that, but he was charming and funny. I was mildly surprised that I had as much fun as I did at a Josh Groban concert.

Besides my great appreciation for his talent, his music moves me. Stemming back to my wedding, I used a number of his songs in both my ceremony and for my reception- I walked down the aisle to his "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring" and also used his version of "The Prayer" during the lighting of the unity candle. I danced my first dance to "When You Say You Love Me" and my husband danced with his Mom to "You Raise Me Up." His song, "Remember When It Rained" reminds of my my angel baby and now, "Lullaby" also touches my heart as well as I work through the struggles of infertility. So, yes, his music means the world to me. Not only is he just horribly, utterly romantic but his music speaks of love and hope.

So even though the concert was attended by a much older generation than I, which caused what you can imagine the worst traffic nightmare ever trying to get out of there, it was worth all the time and money to see one of my vocal idols live in concert. I would highly recommend this show to anyone!

Lyrics to "Remember When It Rained"
Wash away the thoughts inside
That keep my mind away from you.
No more love and no more pride
And thoughts are all I have to do.
Remember when it rained
Felt the ground and looked up high
And called your name.
Remember when it rained
In the darkness I remain.
Tears of hope run down my skin.
Tears for you that will not dry.
They magnify the one within
And let the outside slowly die.

August 06, 2007


My quick plug of the day...

The biatch morning DJ I complained about in a couple of my posts? She is no longer on the air- another gal (COOL ass gal) is in her place and all of her pictures have been taken off of the radio Web site. Coincidence? Perhaps some radio execs finally saw the light and fired her idiot ass. Bye Bye Cheryl K! Don't let the door hit you in the ass!!!

August 02, 2007

August 01, 2007

Guardian Angels

I know I blog and bitch about a lot of things; however none of it means anything when real life and death hangs in the balance.

Tonight, something tragic and horrific happened right here in my hometown. The bridge which runs over the Mississippi River and into Downtown Minneapolis collapsed tonight at 6:10pm central time. To relay how much this incident has shook my world, let me run down the series of events. I arrived home this evening at 6:00pm. I let the dog out, fed her and the phone rang- it was my husband letting me that he was leaving his happy hour. Today was his last day at his job and his co-workers took him out to celebrate his new adventure. I went about my business, started to get dinner ready, cleaned up the kitchen, when my Mom called. Frantically, she wanted to make sure that I had gotten home and that there was an accident on 35W where a bridge collapsed. My heart skipped a beat. I turned on the news and right where my husband should have been at that moment in time was a bridge in the river. Destruction. I felt sick. As if it were a miracle beeping in, I saw his number on the caller ID. He said he's not there, it wasn't him on the bridge and he is safe, heading a different direction home. As he was getting ready to leave, he for some reason decided to stay for one more drink. It was that last minute decision that saved his life. I burst out in tears.

It hasn't been since 911 that I have been so utterly crushed over a tragedy and never before has something hit so close to home. I heard all those stories from New York... the woman who was running late, then man who stopped on the way in to work to get a bandaid for his blister... and now, the "oh okay, I'll have one more". Who would've thought that alcohol would actually save someone's life.

I believe that my husband and I have a guardian angel. One that keeps our home safe from storms, keeps us from having a baby before my body is ready, and keeps us safe from terrible tragedies. That angel is my baby in heaven. Thank you baby angel for keeping us safe. I will love you always.

July 25, 2007

Killing Time

I don't really have a subject for today. Probably just a lot of random babbling.

Yeah, for about 10 minutes of my day today I actually had myself believing that I was pregnant. HHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm about 98% sure i'm wrong. I hope the universe will give me the 2% hope I have in the back of my mind and keep Aunt Flo away.

I feel I must take a moment to comment on Lindsay Lohan as I'm sure every other blogger in America has done. I'll be the first to say that I don't buy into the Hollywood bullshit. I get annoyed that she is a huge story much like Paris Hilton, but at LEAST Lindsay has got some talent. Whether anyone likes to admit it or not, La Lohan can act. The movie Georgia Rule was terrible, but she was quite believable in her role and... well, quite fabulous. For the most part, I just find her horribly tragic and an utter waste of talent and life. She comes from a terrible family, a mother who goes out boozing with her and a father who is a felon. I don't pity her, I mean... you make your own bed, now go lie in it. I do think it is sad.

Summer. WTF. I may as well live on the equator. Oh how I look forward to my car seats burning my ass off and the humidity suffocating me.

Hunger. I refuse to look at myself as being on a diet. It's a lifestyle change. Does the starvation ever go away? I feel like I may die. Why do I care about being skinny?

Okay. I've killed enough time. Rant over!

July 20, 2007

Office Gossip

So, I just started this amazing new job. I get to do cool marketing stuff, we have in-office happy hours on Fridays, my team is cool and overall, the job couldn't be going better!

Except for one person who is making me crazy. We'll call her Bertha and yes... I chose that name on purpose as we all know they kind of woman we think of when we hear the name Bertha. She is THE most annoying, rude person I've ever met in my life. She's worked at the company for, well, forever. She's a no-it-all. She looks over my shoulder to see what I'm working on, and not only LOOKS but comments on my work as well. She is loud and tries to make jokes that are not funny in any way, shape or form. They come off as rude and insulting.

Today, Bertha finally pushed me over the edge... inadvertently. Bertha happens to be best friends with the wife of a guy, we'll call him Dick, whom I worked with and sat next to at my old company. Bertha likes to tell Dick everything about me. What I wear, what I work on, etc... Well, through my good friend who still works with Dick, I found out that Bertha told him that I am "struggling" with a project. Excuse the fuck out of me???? BERTHA isn't even on my team. BERTHA has NO IDEA what I do with my job or why something might be challenging (mind you my whole team struggles with using this particular horrendous marketing database). So WHY does she feel it is necessary to tell Dick about this? Your guess is as good as mine. Lonely? Sheltered? Trying to be cool? Can't find anything better to talk about but to talk about me? I can guarantee it will be THE last time I ever show any sign of weakness or frustration.

Lesson of the Day: Never speak to Bertha again unless absolutely necessary. Try and be sympathetic to those who have zero social skills.

July 13, 2007


I've ranted before about a radio morning show in the Twin Cities- the Greg & Cheryl show on KS95. Most of the time it is Cheryl pissing me off, but most recently, they struck a couple chords that hit very deeply with me and I may cease listening to their program ever again.

They were discussing Rep. Mark Olson who is currently on trial for assaulting his wife. Radio bitch Ben (that's right, he does the traffic or some crap and gets their coffee) was ripping him for being "beaten up by a chick". They think his story is a bunch of crap and were asking for guys to call in if they had ever been hit by a girl before. I was raving mad. Why? Someone I know, who shall remain nameless for protection, was in this exact situation. For over a year he sustained all kinds of physical and emotional abuse from his very troubled girlfriend. She beat him (one time I saw him he had a black eye and bruises all over his body), she cheated on him, she threatened him. Being a MAN, he restrained himself from hitting her because we all know what happens when a man hits a woman. God forbid the possibility of it actually being the other way around. Eventually, he hit her back and broke her nose. She pressed charges. He was put in jail. My point being is that it is NO DIFFERENT for the abuse to go in another direction. We often questioned why he didn't leave this turbulent relationship- he didn't leave for all the same reasons that a woman wouldn't leave an abusive man: threats, fear, and for some ridiculous reason he loved her. After doing his time, he did leave her. He moved away from her and is now finally living a good life free of this abusive tramp bitch. My point in all this? I am fucking livid (excuse my language) that this radio show would even ATTEMPT to poke fun at such a serious situation and very serious allegations on both parts. Shut the fuck up about something you know nothing about.

Now, this isn't the only other situation Ben the Bitch on KS95 poked fun at. He was ripping on Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck for announcing that they are trying for baby #2. Well, Ben provided his childish, stupid color commentary on why would they announce such a thing- because, if it doesn't happen for them, Ben Affleck would be a big loser and a failure as a man. ExCUSE me???? BEN- STFU (if you're unsure what that means, it stands for "shut the fuck up"!!!!!!!! Secondary infertility is VERY common. INFERTILITY is very common!!!! Talk about hitting me in the gut with my most sensitive of topics. My husband and I struggle with infertility EVERY DAY OF OUR LIVES. Being diagnosed as having unexplained infertility, we simply just feel like failures. Ben's single ass cannot even imagine what it feel like to experience loss and infertility.

Again, I plead. STFU about things you do not know about or cannot even begin to understand. Is there any reason this guy needs to even be making commentary on the show??? Do the traffic and shut the hell up.

July 09, 2007

Long Overdue Update

Updates, Updates, Updates!!!!

Well, I'm still not pregnant and still not looking to seek treatment. I'm working on practicing The Secret to bring that to me. It brought me and my husband great new jobs, so it will bring a baby to me too!!!

Yup, that's right, I got a new job! I am now working as a Marketing Specialist for a local credit union. Yeah, it sounds kinda cheesy and small time, but I think I will get more out of working for a small company than I would a big company any day of the week. I really like it so far and like my co-workers too. The work is challenging and actually requires me to use some brain power. FINALLY!!!! Now, to get rid of the atrocious commute...

I also mentioned a new job for my husband as well!!! Yay for us!!! His job... will financially change our lives forever. Besides that, I think he is going to be awesome at it and is really going to love what he'll be doing- despite the hard work and long hours. It will be worth it in the long run.

One more important occasion that just happened was my sister's wedding! After being with her fiance and the father of her children for 7 years, they finally tied the knot. In a backyard wedding. On the hottest day of the year (It was 98 degrees- IN THE SHADE). It was a miracle I didn't melt. ON the other hand... I was honored that she made me her Matron of Honor and that I got to stand up for her. I'm mostly just happy that she is happy. Hopefully it will stay that way.

May 29, 2007

Lindsay Lohan and New Adventures

I know. Who gives a rats ass about Lindsay Lohan. I'm trying to think of the appropriate word to describe my thoughts on her... pity isn't it... perhaps disappointment?? I can't say that I'm a huge fan of hers, granted, she is a talented actress. A talent completely wasted by her use of drugs and alcohol. I won't deny that I lived a wild lifestyle (mostly alcohol) in my early 20's (and yes, I was an avid underage drinker), but I also knew when to draw the line and get my priorities straight. Now the drug thing I don't understand at all, but I guess when you are 20 and completely insecure you'll do anything to get attention and anything to fit in. Her mom doesn't help the situation either. Sure Lindsay is technically an adult, but shit, my mother definitely did not JOIN me in clubbing. WTF? One word: ENABLER!!! Mama Lohan- word to the wise- get control of your daughter before she kills herself and someone else. I hope Lindsay goes to jail- would serve her right for thinking she is above the law. What a waste of a life.

As far as my new adventures go, I did it! I finally got a new, professional, exciting job!! What strange mixed emotions I have. I'm excited about the opportunity to finally be in a professional role making real decisions and be able to make a real impact on the success of the company. Most importantly- NO MORE ADMIN WORK!!!! I don't care how easy it is to be administrative (some actually think it is hard), but I will never go back. It amazes me how little repect administrators get. Even though the work is easy enough for a monkey to do, we really do control and keep sane the lives of those we support. I will miss my boss desperately- he has been so wonderful, flexible and supportive of me in all the areas of my life. Especially with my infertility treatments. Besides a couple of handpicked co-workers who knew about it, he was really the only executive that had any idea what I was going through and he gave me the freedom to do what I had to do. I'm certain I will encounter more than enough of these types of supporters at my new workplace, but it will be hard to replace someone as great as him. As much as I feel as though I am leaving something important behind, it also just feels right to finally be moving forward.

I am not pregnant (for you loyal readers who have asked), but I am at peace. As a reader and full believer of the book "The Secret", I just know and believe that I will have a baby. I will have her (and yes, I also believe we will have a girl) when the universe works the timing out and will leave it at that. I have faith and a firm belief that I will have my baby girl when the time is right. I can't wait to meet her!

May 10, 2007

The Secret

For my birthday, my sister gave me the book "The Secret". I've heard of the book, but really chalked it up to a bunch of hooey.

To sum it up , the book teaches you how to use the "Laws of Attraction" to get everything you ever dreamed of. That by simply thinking, acting on, and believing it- you can have the life of your dreams. By learning The Secret, the universe will respond to your whims and give you everything you want.

My problem with this is that I come from the school of thought where I should be grateful for all I have. Face it, I've got a roof over my head, food in my belly, a job, a husband and a dog. Is there anything else I should need? I suppose these things that I want are much more desire rather than need. So, I thought, what harm is there in giving this a try? The power of positive thinking, right? Self-fulfilling prophecies would be another way to describe it.

Here is what I have asked the universe for:
1) Pregnancy and a baby (for those who are loyal readers, you know these are two VERY different things- having one doesn't always mean you'll have the other)
2) A new and exciting job
3) To complete our home remodeling
4) To buy our dream house

I'm not sure how long this whole process takes, but when these things happen, I will surely keep you posted!
One of the pieces of The Secret is to remove negativity from your life. Including people. This, I'm sure you can understand, is hard if not impossible to do. So, instead of removing these important people from my life, whom shall remain nameless for thier own protection, I'm taking the "turn that frown upside down" approach. Trying to help them see the bright side in every situation, and most importantly, trying not to let it shape my thoughts and desires. My MIL is a great example of this (those of you who don't know what that stands for should message me on the subject). While she is a wonderful lady, I tend to think she is not happy unless the sky is falling and there is some kind of drama. Instead of creating more drama, why can't she just be happy on the days when there is nothing going on, and all the planets are in alignment. We've learned to block these dramatic moments with a nod and a smile and of course... thank god for caller ID. Most of the time we just don't pick up the phone.

Besides just achieving these desires, I think a big part of my success will be learning how to be a positive thinker and to stop bitching and moaning! Life is too short!

May 02, 2007

31 Is Going To Be A Good Year

So, I'm 31 now. Officially in the "30 and Over" category. I was sad about it at first, but now I feel as though I am officially an adult! Time to start acting like one, right? No way. I have big plans for my 31 year. Here my top 10 plans:
1) Getting pregnant. One way or another, I'll get me one of them babies
2) If I don't get pregnant, I will get into the best shape of my life
3) I will get a new job that pays well and actually has a career path
4) I will get my credit card debt paid off
5) I will live and enjoy life to the fullest
6) "Joe" and I will buy our dream house
7) I will begin to pursue my Master's Degree
8) I will spend more time with my nephews
9) I will NOT obsess over TTC
10) I will continue to love my husband with all my heart
These aren't just dreams or desires, these are plans. They are plans in which I fully intend to carry out!!
Here's to a great 31!

April 24, 2007

Infertility: What NOT To Say

Someone in my FertilityFriend community posted this article and thought it would be VALUABLE to explain to my loyal readers out there what my infertility struggle is like.

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
"Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
1. They will eventually conceive a baby.
2. They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
3. They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them:
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
Blocked fallopian tubes
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law. Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone."

Article from

April 19, 2007

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sanjaya Is Done!!!

That's right folks! Sanjaya is GONE!!!!!! I cheered, I celebrated, I danced a jig.
Did anyone notice that Lakisha didn't hold his hand when Ryan was revealing the results??? Hmmmm, let's see, maybe it is because he has been stealing opportunties from the REAL talent all along? Because perhaps he had NO BUSINESS being there or getting as far as he did?
Farewell idiot. Farewell.

April 18, 2007

American Idol & Guilt

So, there isn't actually a correlation between the two...

First, let me tackle the AI stuff. There is a DJ on the morning show that I listen to. I've never really liked her all that much. She is one of thost ultra-liberal snotty bitches that makes comments on things she knows nothing about. She often says people's names wrong, she hates just about every movie she sees that isn't indie or by Michael Moore, she is the worst interviewer- every time they interview a celebrity I cringe at her questions, and her lack of knowledge about the music industry drives me insane. She is a DJ!!! Shouldn't she have SOME knowledge of this stuff?? Example: In an interview with Adam Levine of Maroon 5, she would not drop the subject of his alleged affair with Jessica Simpson- so much to the cringe inducing point of his manager popping in to say "Can we focus your questions on music only please?" Her co-host then basically took over the entire interview where she, rightfully so, didn't ask another question. I was absolutely embarrassed by her. After the interview, she said it is her JOB to ask those questions. Like she is the National Enquirer or something. No- her job is to conduct an interview with some class and taste. I don't CARE about him and Jessica Simpson- I cared to hear about his new album and any upcoming tours. I also hate when she talks about American Idol. Firstly, I believe it was a week or two ago, when she made a comment about Akon's performance. She called them a BAND. Uh. Akon is a rapper and has done work with both Eminem and Snoop. Don't you think a radio DJ should know that? She made some stupid comment about him slipping in a swear word. If I didn't hear it (or maybe I'm that desensitized to foul language considering my own potty mouth), then I doubt anyone else did. The other thing that bothers me is her love for Sanjaya. Shouldn't a DJ have some knowledge about talent? Sanjaya is NOT talented. He should not win American Idol for just being cute, which, uh, I don't think he is at all. I think he is flamingly gay and could be the next Michael Jackson- and I don't mean that in the talented, I've won a million grammy's way. Sanjaya's performance last night was a JOKE. Granted he is the only thing even remotely exciting about this year's Idol, I do NOT think he should win. If he stays after this week... ugh. I honestly don't know if I can watch this show anymore. This no-talent joke is taking away an opportunity from others that have TRUE talent and star potential. Go away Sanjaya and don't come back.

Now on to the guilt portion of my rant today... For the past 8 or so months, I have been teetering around in the job market. This isn't any secret to my current employer seeing as I have made my ambitions very clear to my boss. I have several amazing prospects on the line. Mostly lateral moves, but much more career oriented positions. I am refusing ANYthing that does not offer advancement opportunities. Why don't I stay within my current company? Well, let's see. The marketing department in which I am most qualified to represent includes some of THE snottiest, cliquey, mean bitches I have ever met in my life. I have already been to high school and dealt with this, WHY would I have any desire to work with these people in my professional career. I don't. I appreciate having solid working relationships, but I would never go out of my way to leave anyone out- that is part of being a team. When you start isolating yourselves from other people, ethics come deeply into play. They then start to decide who they like and don't like- including who gets hired and who doesn't get hired. Which is why I am picking up what's left of my shattered career and moving on. Upon my departure I fully intend to bring this problem to light with sr. management. The guilt part comes with the fact that I greatly respect and admire my boss. He just gave me one of the best performance reviews I have ever received and I am deeply moved by his high opinion of me. While I would love to be his executive assistant forever, my career ambitions are winning out. I know I can be more than this, and I'm not going to stop until I make it to the top.

On the baby front, which I haven't discussed in awhile, I'm still not pregnant. I'm in yet another 2WW and once again think we have another failed month. We are having dinner this Saturday with "Joe's" best friend's family in which we found out that his best friend's sister is now pregnant. Seriously. Can we just go somewhere and do something where we are not bombarded by pregnancy? It's really gotten me down lately and it is taking all of my willpower not to let it get the best of me. As part of my "moving on with my life" deal, I'm hitting happy hour with my girlfriends tomorrow night and have no intention of holding back. I'm so tired of putting my life on hold for what is a monthly failure at this point and just want to have fun and ENJOY everything I already have. "Joe" and I are even scouting out a new lake home for next year's move. As much as I have grown to hate Avril Lavigne- her song "Keep Holding On" really hits the mark with me.

April 08, 2007

Okay.. Still Don't Get It

I'm happy to report that today was for once an uneventful holiday. For once, nobody faught, there was laughter and happiness. It was GREAT!!! HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

So. I still haven't figured out the Sangina phenomena. He sucks. Doesn't matter anyway. Even if he does win, people like Blake will outsell and he will be, if he's lucky, a one hit wonder. Think Taylor Hicks. His album is horrible. Sangina's album will be horrible too.

Babies. Don't care anymore. Okay. That's a lie. I care, I just cannot muster up the strength to continue going through this nightmare called infertility. So, I'm going to continue with my life and enjoy every day than suffer through what I don't have and may never have. It'll all be okay!!!

God bless all on this beautiful holiday!

March 29, 2007


As you all know, I have been a fan of American Idol since its inception. The idea that undiscovered talent can make it in the big business of today's recording industry has always captivated me. This must be a joke, right? For ratings? Can't AI make an executive decision about San"gina" Malakar (hilariously nicknamed by my favorite DJ Priestly on XM Radio's 20 on 20)and just get rid of him? He is by and far the worst AI contestant to make it this far and I am baffled. Chris Sligh has a bad week and gets kicked off. Sanjaya has a bad week EVERY week and gets to stay? It is a complete and utter travesty that this yahoo gets to stay on the show. If he gets a recording contract? I may never listen to music again (and I'm a MUSICIAN!). I do have to say that this will affect if I will continue to watch the show. Hey, I know America votes, but come on... this untalented joke won't actually win, will he?

On the baby front. Another month bites the dust.

March 23, 2007

Could It Be????

Firstly, I must discuss the downs of business travel. I cannot even begin to explain how much pity I feel for people who travel just about every week. There is nothing glamorous, fun, or exciting about bouncing around from state to state and plane to plane. I didn't sleep for 3 days. Literally. No sleep. It has been two days since my return from my latest trip and I am still absolutely exhausted. Despite two solid nights of sleep I feel like I just need more and more. While I am grateful for the opportunity to travel with these high brow executives, it is really night the life for me.

So, I'm tired. That much I've made clear. Am I tired though because... I might be pregnant? Or am I just tired? I don't know why this month feels different. I just have a feeling about it. I mean that more literally than you might think. On cycle day 5, I had a dramatic drop in temperature. I had initially chalked it up to lack of sleep, but it went right back up the next day. Could it be the mythical implantation dip? Ever since the "dip" I've had a bit of cramping, a butterly fluttery feeling in my tummy, and of course the fatigue has increased exponentially. I hate reading into these symptoms in fear of simply being wrong or having PMS, but the other part of me is saying this is different.

Tomorrow, I get to hang out with my sister and baby nephew, Miles. Admittedly, I have not seen them sort of on purpose. It's hard to be around babies and families when you're infertile. Even when they are your own family. My sister is to be married soon, and I need to just let go of all the negativity and be a good sister and a good auntie. I have no reason to be hostile to them- it is not their fault that we are unable to procreate. I'm looking forward to my Miles time!

Stay tuned for further developments!

March 14, 2007


I cannot even believe this guy Sanjaya gets to stick around. Granted Brandon Rogers forgot his lyrics- SO WHAT. Brandon is adorable and talented and Sanjaya is... NOT. He is fugly and boring. He can't sing. Perhaps this so-called talent wins him a spot in his high school musical or maybe the talent show, but come on. American Idol?? I am dismayed. Perhaps him being in the bottom three will thrust him back to nowheresville sooner rather than later.
As far as my predictions... they were kinda close, huh? Phil Stacy was in the bottom 3 and Haley was close enough to being there.
Stay tuned for my predictions after next week's show!!!
On the baby front... I have ovulated and now... the wait. Wait number 17. I think March is a magical month though. We got pregnant last year in March so hopefully the spring fever will bring it back to us again! Regardless- I'm staying positive. This will be my month.

March 13, 2007

JoKo Bad

To my dear devoted Mixed Bag devotees (I know you're out there!!)... my apologies. I have been remiss in posting lately and am here to make amends.

While my world of TTC is not quite as exciting as it once was while doped up on overstimulating, hormone-inducing, follicle-growing drugs, it is still kicking. I got my first positive OPK in almost 3 months! That's right- the 3 months that I had become an alien on Clomid never produced a positive OPK. Coincidence that I didn't get pregnant on that garbage? I think not. Making the decision to toss the Clomid was the best one that I have made since we started TTC. The devil that has been possessing my body for the last 3 months is officially gone. I feel like the real Jo again and am happy. If we get pregnant, great. If not, see ya in Italy in 2008!

Since I am not quite as insane, I can now re-focus on more important things, like, American Idol! Dripping with sarcasm a little, I do love the absolute stupidity of this show. Sanjaya... really... are the American people deaf? He is just plain not good at all. Sundance may have been a weirdo, but when he was good, he was good. Adios Antonella Barba. What did I hear about her latest job offers? Something about being the face of some porn company??! Nice. If she takes that job she can flush whatever dignity she had down the toilet. As for the top 12. I'm not all that dissatisfied. As a non-voter, I don't have a lot to complain about, but really, I am NOT going to spend my precious time at night hitting re-dial on the phone. I will just pray and hope that stupid sites such as vote for the worst don't actually influence the voting public.

My predictions for this week:
Who should get the boot: Sunjaya & Haley
Who will get the boot: Phil & Haley

Unfortunately, Sunjaya will stay on and be the next "9 Lives" contestant.

As for now... I must depart as it is indeed 62 degrees out in early March in Minnesota. I plan to whip open the sun roof and actually enjoy a long commute home!

March 05, 2007


Today, I came home to my husband saying that he has very bad news. I'm thinking, oh god, his sister's job fell through, someone is sick, someone is in the hospital...

Oh no. It was that one of his groomsman, only married for six months, is expecting their first baby together this fall. Now, what kind of a person have I become that "Joe" automatically assumes this is bad news!?? I am saying this here, and saying this now: I AM SO HAPPY FOR ROB AND HEATHER!!!!!! Having a baby is a blessing and a gift and they deserve it.

Am I envious, well, yes. It doesn't mean I don't want to see them or meet the new baby when he/she comes. I don't want others to feel that they can't be around us!! I would feel worse if anyone avoided us because of this.

I don't have ill feelings towards the pregnant. I have ill feelings towards myself. I feel broken. I'm sad that I can't give my husband a baby. I'm sad that I don't know why.

Meanwhile, I'm going to move forward with my theory. Before we are able to get pregnant and actually go full term, the universe has to correct itself. The planets have to align. All has to be right with the world. Is it possible we are there? My sister-in-law is healthy again and lands a great job, my best friend gets hired on permanently from her temp job, my sister is getting married... The planets are aligning. It's our turn.

March 01, 2007


Firstly, I must discuss the controversy over Antonella Barba on American Idol. SHE SUCKS!!! I don't care how pretty she is, she isn't very good and if people are voting for her, they are voting for all the wrong reasons. Even the pics out there don't bother me as much as her singing voice. This is a singing competition, not a pageant. She was terrible last week and terrible last night. As far as the professional slutty photo shoot... ugh. Is this a role model? I think not. You don't see Katharine McPhee who is also stunning out there doing slutty Playboy like photo shoots. I guarantee that when Antonella is booted, and she will be booted before the top 10 are chosen, she will be in either Maxim or Playboy. I just hope she's not this season's Kellie Pickler. I hated Kellie all of last season too and she did well. I can hardly even believe she has an album out. Ugh.

As far as my TTC journey. No exciting news today other than I am so glad I decided to take a break from Clomid. I am already starting to feel more like myself. My energy levels are steadily going up and I can't wait to get back to my classes and my life as I once used to know it. I'm happy that I am leaving this journey in God's hands and am confident that He will bless us with a child on His time, when the time is right.

Also, for the first time in my professional career, I made the decision to work from home for the next two days!! I'm very lucky to have a boss who agrees that driving in snowstorms is dangerous and not worth the 2 hour commute both morning and night to try and get to work to do the same thing I can do at home. I'm certainly not complaining- I've got a movie going and I'm in sweats! What could be better!

LIFE is good!

February 26, 2007

Yet Another... BFN

That's right. Month 16 ended in yet another negative.

I have made the decision that I am not going to take fertility meds. At least for the remainder of this year. After 3 months of feeling like my body has been invaded, I just want to go back to being me. Hubby and I will continue to TTC including the temping, the OPK's, the vitamins and the likes, but no more fertility drugs. It has done nothing but made me miserable, depressed, dizzy, hot, in pain and a host of other side effects that I'm afraid are just not worth it to me. My health has been deteriorating and I need to cognizant of that. Perhaps if we still haven't conceived in 2008 that I will consider treatments again, but, for now, I'm still young and confident that we can do this without medication.

I'm excited to be able to go to my classes again (those classes being kickboxing and step) without being in pain. Excited to be in a better mood. Excited to not have to go to the doctor 3 times a week and have an ultrasound stick shoved up my hoo ha. Excited to not have to "time" everything. Excited to be me.

February 21, 2007

Idol Chick Night and Ear Infections

Firstly. I'm suffering from an ear infection. A nagging, jabbing, torturous pain. Would anyone else feel nervous if the NP at your urgent care pulled out a 3 ring binder to find out how to treat you? Basically did nothing for me so I've made an appointment with my primary physician. It's an ear infection people, not the flu... shouldn't be that hard! Kinda hoping that my provider offers a preggo test tomorrow. Would really take away the issue of early testing! Ha! Anything to get an early result!

Okay. Now on to chick idol night.

My top 5 chick prediction:
1) Sabrina Sloane
2) Jordin Sparks
3) Melinda Doolittle (although I'm kinda annoyed that she has no neck)
4) Gina Glocksen
5) Lakisha Jones (only because she sings and looks like Jennifer Hudson)

I think this is a pretty tight prediction. Now, if someone like Antonella gets through... you gotta wonder who is out there voting for the T & A or the singer. She sucked big time tonight.

We shall see how my predictions hold up this season!!! Bring it!

February 20, 2007

Idol & Tasteless Humor

I know... this is in bad taste. But you gotta admit. It's kinda funny.

Okay. That said. Anyone who has been around my blog long enough knows that I am an absolute Idol freako. LOVE the show. Mostly because it pisses me off. I'm not sure who actually votes for some of these horrible singers, but, let me put it this way, if either Sundance Head or Rudy Cardenas makes it through... UGH! They were terrible. I also thought Chris Richardson was terrible. Justin Timberlake wannabe who BUTCHERED a GREAT Gavin DeGraw song. BUTCHERED.

Here's who I think should make the top 5 guys:
(In order of my favorites):
1) Phil Stacy- SO FREAKIN GOOD!!!! I LOVED his voice. Amazing. With a little work he's going to really knock this out of the park and his wife was SO CUTE swooning over him!
2) Blake Lewis- he's cute and funky and original and I like him
3) Chris Sligh- he's funny and I thought he did quite good (don't really appreciate that he mouthed off to Simon. Not the guy to piss off on this show)
4) Brandon Rogers- I dig that this guy did back ups. I think he was nervous tonight
5) Jared Cotter- His song was uber boring tonight, but he's cute. He'll move on

Who do I think will make the top 10 and SHOULDN'T:
A.J. Tabaldo- Ugh. Boring. Typical. Forgetful but the judges actually liked him
Chris Richardson- he sucked rocks tonight and butchered a fave song of mine
Sundance Head- Firstly, this guy is an arrogant ass and has no right to be other than my dad's grandpa was some famous blues guy, blah blah blah. Not an Americal Idol and his song was TERRIBLE!!!! He defied everything I learned in 10 years of vocal performance and lessons. He does not deserve to be famous. Learn how to sing. The RIGHT way.

Look for my chick predictions tomorrow night!

So, onto the preggo stuff. I am one week to testing, less than a week actually. I hear there is a big snow storm heading to MN this weekend. How am I not going to test all weekend???!! I'm proud though. I have barely thought at all how much IUI will suck next month if this month doesn't turn out. For both me and "Joe". I'll leave it at that.

February 19, 2007

One More Week to Wait!!

Okay- so I haven't gone as bonkers as I have in months past. HOWEVER. I swear this month is it. My temps are way up (triphasic chart) and although my boobies hurt every month, they haven't hurt THIS badly since I was pregnant last March! I so want this to be it!!! I've already decided that we'll do an Easter Sunday announcement to everyone, assuming it sticks. Stick baby stick!!!! We deserve this!!!

I was wondering too, is it Murphy's Law that all the good boozing opportunities turn up when I'm in my two week wait? Went to a party over the weekend, went to a pub, going to happy hour tomorrow... Grrrrr. Now, I'm not a total lush, but I'm much better in social situations with a few drinks inside of me. I'm sure it makes me sound like an idiot, but at least I feel more comfortable.

Check out my Weather Pixie today!!! It is so warm out that she is finally wearing a sweater instead of her usual parka! I wonder what she'll be wearing when it's 90 degrees out... Maybe I should find a dude pixie instead.
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