December 20, 2006

Am I? Yes? No? Maybe so?


To the left you will find what is going on in my body if I'm indeed pregnant.
Crap. Do I do this same post every month? After now 14 months of TTC you would think that I would stop getting excited every month. You would think that I would've trained myself by now to conduct business as usual and think that getting a BFP would be a big surprise.
Unfortuntely, it doesn't work that way. Every month, I swear this is it. I swear that my boobs hurt more than the month before. I swear that I almost threw up. I swear that I felt the bubbling and twinges of pregnancy beginning inside. I may just have become "that" person. You know the one- she makes herself believe so much that she's pregnant that the symptoms become real (this is an actual medical phenomena!). This month though, I could swear... this is the real deal. I haven't taken a test yet- it's still a little early (I'm on CD 27 and 14 dpo). I'm going to wait until Friday unless my monthly bill actually shows up.
If this is for real... gosh. I don't know if I will jump for joy or if the fear will just set in? I cannot even imagine going through another miscarriage. It will have taken 8 months after our last and I cannot even bear to think about it.
As much as I try to live my life being un-pregnant, it becomes increasingly hard every month. I'm trying my hardest not to become a psycho TTC'er. I dream about being pregnant and being a mom. I pray every day that the Lord will bless me with this opportunity- especially for Christmas. I cannot even think of a better gift, a miracle.
Thought I would publish this in "pink" in hopes of a little girl.

December 14, 2006

Why Clomid Has Ruined My Holiday Spirit

Clomiphene: a fertility drug (trade name Clomid) that is used to stimulate ovulation and that has been associated with multiple births.

As you know from my previous post, I began taking Clomiphene Nitrate "Clomid" as part of the Clomid Challenge Test as part of my series of infertility tests. It is by far, THE WORST medication I've ever had to take! I have experienced EVERY side effect associated with this crap- Hot flashes, dizziness, blurred vision, nausea, VOMITING (which I never do), and post ovulation cramping. Not just any cramping, but tear inducing, lying in the fetal position, horrendous cramps. These are just the physical things.

So why put myself through this you ask? Everything is worth the chance to have a baby (and being on Clomid my chances for twins improves by 10%!!). Even bad side effects. Even crazy in-laws.

December 05, 2006

Ultrasounds Are Cool

In this week's fun and exciting world of infertility testing, I got to have an ultrasound yesterday, which was actually pretty cool. After completing my round of Clomid, they then schedule an ultrasound to ensure that the follicles are reacting appropriately to the drug and essentially inducing ovulation. The picture here is similar to what I saw on my ultrasound (this one is not mine). My follicle hasn't quite grown to release size yet, so I get to go back again on Wednesday for another check in. I think I am understanding how this works, but, geesh, there is just a lot to know. Anyway, it has been kind of nice to hear from a medical professional: you should be ovulating any day now! Why is this nice? It completely took the guess work out of timing the baby dancing. We KNOW it is going to happen so we have to get to work! We should know for sure on Wednesday that I ovulated. I don't know why, I just think this is cool and exciting. One way or another, we are going to get pregnant!! I'm guessing that Clomid may be the answer for me. It worked, it is doing its job this month. It makes me feel like crap, but, if the outcome is a beautiful baby, it is worth the agony to me. Who knows- I may just have twins!
Anyway, in the midst of all this treatment, there is the other side of life: finding someone to understand what you are going through. My friends and family don't really get it. They seem to think that it will just "happen". They don't seem to understand that for some, it doesn't just "happen" and that they may need some extra help. Then there are the friends who just aren't even on the same playing field or point in their life. It's not their fault and there is certainly nothing wrong with being single or not wanting to have a baby. My point is that they don't get it either. They don't understand the need to be careful with my body- meaning no smoking and no drinking. Overall, nobody seems to understand how hard this is. How emotional this is. I'm so thankful for having the Sparkpeople and Babyfit message boards. I seriously don't know how I ever functioned without them! They are the only ones who are in the same boat. Sure, there are the ones who pop in and say "Hey, I just started my first month of TTC!" and in the next heartbeat they are pregnant. Luckily for me, they have created teams and forums for people in the same boat. Infertility, TTC After Loss, and TTC First Baby. It is more than comforting to know that I'm not alone.
 
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