May 31, 2006

TTC Insanity

What is it that makes perfectly happy, sane, content women like myself turn into raging baby making monsters? My husband "Joe" and I started trying to conceive (or TTC as we call it in the insanity of the message board community) on our wedding night (10/15/05) and have been trying ever since. As I had posted in the past, we were successful a couple months ago, and to our great disappointment and overwhelming grief, I miscarried. I still still think about the time often, and even though brief, an amazing and wonderful time for us. We were certainly "trying" in every sense of the word, but I wasn't at the time this crazy person- tracking my BBT (Basal Body Temperature), CV (cervical mucus), and writing down every last feeling and notion that I have. We were just being... newlyweds. Some say that just being every day average newlyweds and not "trying" is what got us pregnant. I say it was correct timing and complete dumb luck. After going through such a tragedy, I decided that I want to be better prepared, I want to know when, I want to know why, I want to know what... Why? Less unanswered questions when things go wrong, and support to bring to my doctor when the time comes. It's completely insane, but for some twisted reason makes me feel more comfortable and more cautious. We were unsuccessful at our attempt this last month. I contributed it to a number of other factors in our lives but most importantly: "Joe" took a new job that he actually has to wake his ass up for every morning and shockingly had less desire to do the BD (baby dance) with me. It's not often he turns me down. Just bad planning. So, the plan for June: GET IT ON MORE OFTEN. It really is the only way!!

Thinking back, when we got pregnant last time, it was such a wonderful surprise and even a little shocking. We weren't sure how we felt other than feeling like we had a lot to do. We then started talking about how to tell our family, our friends... We got excited. While I'm sure I'll be excited when I get pregnant again, I'm sure there will be an enormous part of me that will be skeptical and pessimistic. What I have learned is that I now want a baby more than anything else. I know for real that I'm ready.

God- please if you are reading this now, and I'm sure you read blogs :), I hope you will bless us with a child.

May 02, 2006

Turning 30- Tragedy or Victory

Ahhhhhh yes. New Blog. New me.

It is official- I have now been alive for 3 decades. 30. I must say, while most have the tendancy to freak out over the fact that they feel old and weary at this age, feel as though they haven't accomplished all they set out to do, or that it might even be to late for others. I am somewhat delighted about reaching this pinnacle. Firstly, it is slightly a miracle that I made it this long. After smoking, drinking, and god only knows what else for at least the last 15 years, you would think that I should perhaps be dead. I made it through the horror that was junior high, the even bigger torture of high school. I survived the loss of more friendships and boyfriends that I can count on my fingers and toes and somehow managed to not require antidepressants to get through it. I received my high school diploma, a college degree, moved at least 10 times in 10 years, changed jobs and careers 6 times in 10 years, survived being laid off and actually still managed to get my bills paid on time, met THE one, got engaged, married, and lost a baby. All this before turning the age of 30.

Needless to say, I am proud of all I have accomplished and excited for what the future holds. I have a great family, great friends, and great co-workers. I am lucky to have stuffed so much experience into what really is a relatively short amount of time. I feel as though now I can take a deep breath and finally relax. Sure, there are things I still desire- a master's degree, a better job with better pay, a child, a grandchild...I can say with certainty for the first time in my life that there is no rush.

Since I'm an old lady now, thought I'd share a classic old lady clip:

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