April 03, 2006

Seriously


On a serious note today, I just wanted to take a moment to share my experience over the past week in hopes of providing comfort and faith for those whose heart may have broken even half as much as mine. Just over a week ago, my husband and I got the amazing news that we were expecting. For only the third time in our nearly 4 year relationship, he got teary-eyed (the others: our engagement and wedding vows). We were blown away thrilled with the fact we were 5 weeks pregnant and so soon seeing as we just got married in October. We told only a few co-workers (the ones who would be affected by us being gone for doctor's appointments) and a couple close friends. Only a couple short days later, I became very ill and I knew something was very wrong. Wednesday my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were dangerously low and I prayed there would still be hope. Friday, my fate was sealed. My levels dropped to nearly zero which indicated that I had indeed had a miscarriage. Knowing this was likely to be the outcome still wasn't enough to help me prepare with the impact this news had on me. My heart was broken, my spirit wounded. No matter how many times you read and hear that it was out of our hands and out of our control, I still felt this driving need to learn and understand why this had happened to us. Where did I go wrong? What can I do differently next time? How can I be sure this won't happen again?

Still no answers today, and I am likely to never find them. Upon the advice of a good friend, I listened to my heart and have laid my newfound fears and hopes in the hands of God. My precious baby, barely alive but still in every way a part of me wasn't destined to be here. We will have our chance, and when that time comes, we will be ready. As first time parents, we had so many fears in making that huge step to starting a family. It changes everything. We now know how much we want to take that step. It would mean so much to us to become parents and I cannot wait for our day to come.

Be strong. Have faith. Good things come to those who wait!

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