April 09, 2006

How I Deal


It has been nearly 2 weeks since my fateful miscarriage. I have been blessed with the well wishes of uncountable well wishes, hugs, and sincerity. During this time, I have found it interesting to watch both how I have reacted to this experience as well as those around me. Firstly, myself. While in many ways my heart still aches over this loss and I'm still disappointed that the miracle of life did not happen for me, I have truly picked up the pieces of my tragedy and am moving on. I don't get sad or break down in tears when I see a baby commercial, or when my two pregnant co-workers go on about their ultrasounds. My time will come and I'm even more ready for it now. Secondly, is others' reactions. In lieu of my co-workers' pregnancies, there is a lot of chatter. Ultrasounds, baby names, diapers, nursury's... you name it. It's funny how that talk has suddenly become a whisper when I'm around. You know, that strange feeling you get that people are talking about you and when you walk into the room, the conversation stops dead? Yeah, that is what is currently happening in my world. I'm sure people are really just trying to be overly sensitive to my feelings, but to be honest, it makes me feel worse. I am truly happy for these women and still want to be a part in their stories and their joy. Again, my time will come, and I want to understand what will happen to me!!

Another way that I deal with it is by making jokes. Now, I'll admit that sometimes my jokes are off color and mostly inappropriate, but it is my ass backwards way of showing that I care. My way of making light of something that is pretty dark.

I am finally feeling like my old self again. I wish everyone would start treating me like my old self! I'm moving on, why can't everyone else??? I know there are still family members I haven't seen or talked to, some who know, some who don't. I'm sure I'll have to live this out for much longer than I'd care to, but it would be nice if people would give their hugs, their promise of prayers and let us move on.

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