December 20, 2006

Am I? Yes? No? Maybe so?

To the left you will find what is going on in my body if I'm indeed pregnant.
Crap. Do I do this same post every month? After now 14 months of TTC you would think that I would stop getting excited every month. You would think that I would've trained myself by now to conduct business as usual and think that getting a BFP would be a big surprise.
Unfortuntely, it doesn't work that way. Every month, I swear this is it. I swear that my boobs hurt more than the month before. I swear that I almost threw up. I swear that I felt the bubbling and twinges of pregnancy beginning inside. I may just have become "that" person. You know the one- she makes herself believe so much that she's pregnant that the symptoms become real (this is an actual medical phenomena!). This month though, I could swear... this is the real deal. I haven't taken a test yet- it's still a little early (I'm on CD 27 and 14 dpo). I'm going to wait until Friday unless my monthly bill actually shows up.
If this is for real... gosh. I don't know if I will jump for joy or if the fear will just set in? I cannot even imagine going through another miscarriage. It will have taken 8 months after our last and I cannot even bear to think about it.
As much as I try to live my life being un-pregnant, it becomes increasingly hard every month. I'm trying my hardest not to become a psycho TTC'er. I dream about being pregnant and being a mom. I pray every day that the Lord will bless me with this opportunity- especially for Christmas. I cannot even think of a better gift, a miracle.
Thought I would publish this in "pink" in hopes of a little girl.

December 14, 2006

Why Clomid Has Ruined My Holiday Spirit

Clomiphene: a fertility drug (trade name Clomid) that is used to stimulate ovulation and that has been associated with multiple births.

As you know from my previous post, I began taking Clomiphene Nitrate "Clomid" as part of the Clomid Challenge Test as part of my series of infertility tests. It is by far, THE WORST medication I've ever had to take! I have experienced EVERY side effect associated with this crap- Hot flashes, dizziness, blurred vision, nausea, VOMITING (which I never do), and post ovulation cramping. Not just any cramping, but tear inducing, lying in the fetal position, horrendous cramps. These are just the physical things.

So why put myself through this you ask? Everything is worth the chance to have a baby (and being on Clomid my chances for twins improves by 10%!!). Even bad side effects. Even crazy in-laws.

December 05, 2006

Ultrasounds Are Cool

In this week's fun and exciting world of infertility testing, I got to have an ultrasound yesterday, which was actually pretty cool. After completing my round of Clomid, they then schedule an ultrasound to ensure that the follicles are reacting appropriately to the drug and essentially inducing ovulation. The picture here is similar to what I saw on my ultrasound (this one is not mine). My follicle hasn't quite grown to release size yet, so I get to go back again on Wednesday for another check in. I think I am understanding how this works, but, geesh, there is just a lot to know. Anyway, it has been kind of nice to hear from a medical professional: you should be ovulating any day now! Why is this nice? It completely took the guess work out of timing the baby dancing. We KNOW it is going to happen so we have to get to work! We should know for sure on Wednesday that I ovulated. I don't know why, I just think this is cool and exciting. One way or another, we are going to get pregnant!! I'm guessing that Clomid may be the answer for me. It worked, it is doing its job this month. It makes me feel like crap, but, if the outcome is a beautiful baby, it is worth the agony to me. Who knows- I may just have twins!
Anyway, in the midst of all this treatment, there is the other side of life: finding someone to understand what you are going through. My friends and family don't really get it. They seem to think that it will just "happen". They don't seem to understand that for some, it doesn't just "happen" and that they may need some extra help. Then there are the friends who just aren't even on the same playing field or point in their life. It's not their fault and there is certainly nothing wrong with being single or not wanting to have a baby. My point is that they don't get it either. They don't understand the need to be careful with my body- meaning no smoking and no drinking. Overall, nobody seems to understand how hard this is. How emotional this is. I'm so thankful for having the Sparkpeople and Babyfit message boards. I seriously don't know how I ever functioned without them! They are the only ones who are in the same boat. Sure, there are the ones who pop in and say "Hey, I just started my first month of TTC!" and in the next heartbeat they are pregnant. Luckily for me, they have created teams and forums for people in the same boat. Infertility, TTC After Loss, and TTC First Baby. It is more than comforting to know that I'm not alone.

November 30, 2006

Fertility Testing Sucks

Since it has officially been a year since Mr. Joe and I started trying to have a baby (not counting the 3/28 miscarriage) we made the decision to have some fertility testing done. "Joe" did an SA (*whispers* semen analysis)- we're still waiting on his results. As for me... let's just say a woman's testing is far more invasive than a man's is BY FAR. My results so far have all been positive- I'm relieved that I have a normal functioning thyroid, and after undergoing an HSG (hystersolpingogram... i.e. an x-ray), I have no tube blockage and everything looks normal and good. Now, why do I complain? As I write I am doubled over in pain from this HSG. It was, in a word, horrible. Dye is injected through the cervix in order view and take pictures of the uterus and tubes and make sure that the dye runs through showing no blockage. I've posted photo (not me) to show what this x-ray looks like- this is very similar to what I saw today!
This procedure sucked rocks though. The dye they insert is incredibly painful. Was it worth it? Absolutely. To know that I have a healthy uterus and tubes and to know that there isn't anything causing a fertility problem is worth the agony. The other incredibly horrible part of this process is the drugs. They currently have me on Clomid to see how I react to the drug and if it works to induce and strengthen my ovulation. The drug SUCKS. I spent the better part of the past 2 days incredibly nauseous (even vomited once), sore boobs, and the worst part of the side effects, the depression. I've been incredibly down and emotional since I've started taking it. So, basically, I've been trying to avoid people in general to spare my loved ones of my outbursts. Again, is it worth it? Absolutely. If this drug is going to help me have a much wanted baby then it is worth it to me. Starting on Monday, I will start a series of ultrasounds to ensure that my follicles and eggs are developing correctly. We should know within about a week, two at most, if a problem was pinpointed. If nothing on either side? Joe and I just keep baby dancing and praying that we will be blessed with one of these little miracles.

If all this sounds absolutely confusing, well, it is. I had hoped so much I would just be pregnant by now so I wouldn't have to go through these things. I've done a lot of research on the subject of TTC, fertility, infertility, pregnancy... you name it. It has been a tough year for Joe and I. However, I am proud that I have stayed strong and and pushed forward. I'm proud that I tracked down a physician who agrees that it is MY choice to be tested for infertility- never questioning my early miscarriage and being forward in the fact that she's going to "Get me a baby". I hope my positive outlook and attitude will serve as some sort of inspiration and comfort to other women who are having trouble conceiving. I want them to know that I understand. I want them to know that I, too, get sick of people saying "Just relax, if you're not thinking about it, it will happen." When you've made this decision and you've been through so much, it is hard not to think about it. Sure, I get sad. My due date would've been Monday, November 27th had I carried my baby to term. Instead of having HSG's I would be breastfeeding and enjoying a beautiful new life. This week has been a tough one. I think my peanut in heaven planned this out for us though. He wanted us to start this testing at this exact time to help us have our baby.

I'm still confident and I'm still hopeful. Let's be honest though people... If this doesn't work out for us- is a trip around the world with the man I love such a bad alternative?

November 07, 2006

Faith Hill & My Broken Ass

Okay, I just HAVE to post this because it is HILARIOUS!!!!! Faith Hill totally thinks she wins when in reality it is Carrie Underwood who takes home Best Female Artist. She freaks!!! I died laughing. I was watching this and so wish I had seen it happen live. What a bitch!!!!

ON another note. I am the clumsiest, klutziest person on the planet. In the past 2 weeks I have fallen down my stairs at home twice. Same place, same spot, same way. We'll just say... feels like I've got a broken ass. Now, under normal circumstances, I would care less about this, however, 1) I cannot work out, or at least have any sort of intense work out without being in massive pain and 2) I am desperately trying to have a baby- the er... um... positions available for me at this point for baby making are more than slightly limited!!! Perhaps it is just not meant to be this month. A broken ovulation watch... ridiculous amounts of traveling... a broken ass... I have a feeling that November is pretty much out of the question this month. Which means... MORE WINE ON THANKSGIVNG FOR ME!!!

Happy Tuesday to my 39 peepers!! (Actually... it was probably just me logging in 39 times...).

October 23, 2006

Mood Swings

Okay, so, perfect example of how quickly a woman's mood can change on a dime. My post yesterday? You know, about the girl who made what I thought were not so supportive comments? Well, today, I feel absolutely terrible about saying that I wished a BFN on her. I don't wish a BFN on ANYone who is TTC and desperately wanting a baby. I am a horrible, horrible person for saying so. Today, she posted that she took a test and it was BFN. Did I curse her? I feel awful!! Forgive me dear sweet community member! I wish you only truckloads of baby dust and double-line wishes.

I'm one to talk. I did test today and it was BFN. I was too ashamed to post in my one community because I was SO SURE that this was the month. It is however very early as I am only 10 dpo. So until this Saturday, I will refrain from POAS.

JoKo's TTC Code of Honor

On my honor
I promise not to POAS
I promise not to scrutinize my every symptom
I promise not to be jealous of all the other pregnant girls in my online communities
I promise not to blame myself for a BFN
I promise not to blame my dear husband for a BFN
I promise not to let this get me down and to keep trying

P.S. Did I mention that we really want a little girl?

October 22, 2006

Politics & Pregnancy

Okay, so I actually have no correlation between the two, but sounds good right?

Firstly, I absolutely hate election time. While I admittedly lean towards the Republican side of the fence, it doesn't make me like voting. Mostly because with the political ads that are out there, how on earth are you to know what someone stands for? Politicians spend way too much time slandering their opponents to focus on telling the people what they are going to do while in office. I feel insulted that they don't trust me as a voter to make the right decision. I included the Patty Wetterling clip above because I think she's kind of an idiot that obviously doen't know what she's talking about.

So the whole pregnancy thing. Yeah, I've kinda turned into a full-on psycho about this. I've got enough pregnancy tests to last me the entire week although it is still too early to test and I claim that every last twinge I have is because I'm knocked up. I think for the first time since we really started "trying" following the miscarriage, our timing was impeccable. How could I not be? I don't know why I feel so strongly that this month is different. If it isn't the month, I don't even know how I'll react. I did make the decision that if we didn't get pregnant this month that I am going to a fertility specialist to find out exactly what the problem is. So with my sore boobs, nasty taste in my mouth, nausea and whatever other stupid symptoms I think I may have. God, this sucks. So, I go to a pregnancy website to share my joys and sorrows with a group of women who I'd like to think are in the same boat as me. With the exception of one who crushed my soul. I made a sarcastic crack similar to my ranting above about my "imaginary" symptoms. Instead of saying "haha- I make myself believe I have symptoms too", she says, "I reviewed your charts and it looks like you have the same symptoms at the same time every month". THANKS for stating the obvious. Thanks for crushing my hopes. Geesh. I am still so annoyed by that comment that I'm hoping she gets a BFN and has to move to a different due date board. I know that's bitchy, but I really don't need a negative nelly in my life. I have enough voices of reason- I don't need it from board I look to for support! So, as I go on with the rest of my week, I will continue to have faith and hope. I will pray that this is it. That a baby has been made.

October 06, 2006

Why The Twins Lost and I'm Not Pregnant

How you go from this:

To losing it all?

I blame it on stress... the pressure to perform. To live up to expectations. Or, another term: self-fulfilling prophecy. Saying "I'm not going to screw up this time" and then screwing up. Being Joe Mauer, the best batter in MLB, 2 outs, 2 men on base and grounding into an out. We built these poor guys up to be our heroes. What happens now that they didn't make it? Do we go back to watching games in half-filled domes?

I've been a Twins fan since I was a little kid. At age 9, my parents took us to spring training in Orlando. Somewhere on a hello kitty notepad, I have the autographs from ball players such as Kent Hrbeck, Tom Brunansky, and our beloved Kirby Puckett. I was a softball firstbaseman for 10 years- proudly wearing my number 14 every year. So, even though they lost in the playoffs again this year, I will continue to be a proud Twins fan. To all the fairweather fans out there? Fine. Don't go to the games next year. You just left the best seats open for me!

Oh yeah- and in response to my last entry? I'm not pregnant. Again. Yet another pressure-filled self-fulfilling prophecy.

How to overcome this? Continue to do everything you need to do to get to your goal. Whatever it takes. Most importantly continue to dream big!

September 27, 2006

10 Reasons I'm Probably Pregnant


10. The need to barf at any given moment

9. If I were a superhero, my super power would be my sense of smell- I can smell EVERYTHING!!

8. My already giant boobs have grown even bigger and hurt like a mother***ker

7. Murphy's Law: husband and i only have supplemental Cobra insurance while he changes jobs

6. I could sleep through a tornado

5. No matter how little or how much I drink, I have to pee every five minutes

4. Murphy's Law: I just spent $180 bucks on a fertility monitor

3. Where did these sudden zits come from??

2. Is it really possible to cry at America's Next Top Model?

1. My raging bitchniness!!!! Amazingly, my husband has NOT left me yet!!

All joking aside, every one of these symptoms are also symptoms of PMS. I think it is CRUEL that there is no real difinitive proof that you aren't pregnant up until aunt flo comes to town, and of course for us POAS (pee on a stick) addicts, most of us know that we aren't several days prior to our visit to surftown. Most likely I am not pregnant. AGAIN. Thus, the $180 worth of fertility monitor equipment. I have no idea if the OV Watch will actually work. Certainly can't work any worse than the POAS ovulation tests, seeing as I haven't gotten pregnant using those either. Perhaps I am a pessimist, only thinking the worst will happen. More than anything, I am just hoping that this reverse psychology will cause less disappointment when I get my monthly negative, or when I get my positive I will be that much more thrilled! Time will tell!

September 21, 2006

The Last Kiss- a Review

A little background about The Last Kiss...

The Last Kiss is a contemporary comedy-drama (in my opinion, more drama than comedy), about life, love, infidelity, forgiveness, marriage, and friendship... and coming to grips with turing 30.

I went to see The Last Kiss with the girls from work for our monthly "Chick Flick Night." Perhaps it has been the overall mood of the week, but this movie severely depressed me!! I cried nearly the whole movie and wanted to kill Zach Braff's character for being such a raging idiot and cheating on the woman who is carrying his baby! Yeah, that's right, he went there! Rachel Bilson, whom he sleeps with, really sort of bugged me. I don't care for her and not sure I ever will. She plays that slutty college girl that I hate now and hated back in college. The rest of the cast was stellar- Jacinda Barrett was fabulous. Overall, any movie that pulls the emotion out of me like this one did, is a great movie in my book. I wouldn't recommend it to the single gals out there- it does NOT give a good portrayal of marriage.

Now for of course my personal view and comparison to my own life...

I would absolutely kill my husband if he did what this asshole did in the movie. Now, being the naive little girl I am, I am of course under the assumption that my husband loves me more than life itself and that he would never, but the movie does make you wonder- are you ever truly satisfied with your decisions? If you could've done things differently, would you? As for me, sure, I may have a fleeting thought and laugh about an ex, but so what. I chose my man. I chose him, I love him, and I have zero doubts. I wouldn't change a thing about our life together.

September 07, 2006

Why Bother Getting Married If...

You're just going to get a divorce?

As my one year wedding anniversary looms near, I have been taking a look over the past year. There have been mad times, sad times, but overall, mostly happy times. Perhaps this is naive, but I cannot even begin to imagine my life without my husband. He is my everything- my best friend. When I said my vows- for better, for worse- I meant every word.

I bring up divorce because friends of ours, who got married a year before us, are getting divorced- my husband was a groomsman in his wedding. With few signs or signals, he returned home from 2 weeks of fishing to divorce papers. I suppose I perhaps didn't see this one lasting, but I was constantly surprised by this couple. They were loving with each other and had fun together. What more do you want? They were even planning to start a family this fall.

I guess I just don't understand, after you take those vows, how it is even possible to walk away. Upon hearing this news, my heart broke for my husband's friend. He didn't deserve this- he is a good guy who was very much in love with his wife. Which brings me back to my anniversary- I can't even begin to imagine what my life would be without Mr. Joe by my side. He's the yin to my yang... my other half. He's also quite possibly the only person who even remotely understands me. I could not even begin to imagine what could possibly make me give that up. There isn't anything. In my naive world, I will be with this man until I'm old and gray and we'll have had a lovely life together. Love you "Joe"!

September 06, 2006

This Woman Needs to STFU

Uuuuuugh. Feminist Academic Biatch. Why oh WHY does everything have to be fucking controversial???? Why are there people like this in the world! Ugh! She sucks.

'Crocodile Hunter' exploited animals, critic says
Feminist author Greer says 'It’s no surprise that he came to grief’

Updated: 1 hour, 17 minutes ago

SYDNEY, Australia - Feminist academic Germaine Greer said on Wednesday she hoped the death of Australian “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin would mark the end of what she called exploitative nature documentaries, a discordant note amid floods of tributes.
Irwin died in a freak diving accident off Australia’s northeast coast on Monday after he was hit in the chest by the serrated barb from a stingray’s tail.
Echoing comments she made this week in Britain’s Guardian newspaper, Australian-born Greer likened Irwin to a lion tamer and said he had intruded on the habitats of animals and treated them with “massive insensitivity.”
“It’s no surprise that he came to grief,” Greer told Nine Network television.
“We now have enough respect for lions to be embarrassed if we see someone trying to crack whips at them and wave chairs at them. Jumping all over crocodiles is the same kind of thing.”
'Exploitation of animals'. Greer, an award-winning author, is a frequent critic of personalities like British soccer star David Beckham and social trends like reality television.
In 2003 she criticized J.R.R. Tolkien’s “Lord of the Rings” trilogy for attracting “spaced-out hippies, environmentalists, free-market libertarians, social conservatives, pacifists, new-age theosophists, sexists and racists the world over.”
Irwin’s death has prompted outpourings of grief and sympathy from around the world, dominating local newspapers and clogging Internet news sites.
His “Crocodile Hunter” documentaries for U.S.-based television company Discovery Channel’s Animal Planet were seen by tens of millions of viewers around the world.
He became famous for flirting with death as he wrestled crocodiles, swam with sharks and handled some of the world’s deadliest snakes and spiders.
Greer said she found the Irwin phenomenon "embarrassing," although she understood the sadness at his death.
“I’m not saying that’s not sad, I’m saying what might be over now is this kind of exploitation of animals,” Greer said.
“I am sick and tired of programs that tell me that the world is full of wicked, nasty, powerful, deadly creatures. Why does Australia set itself up to be made into this hellhole?” she said.

September 05, 2006

Back To Life. Back To Reality

Here I am with my monthly post! Ahhhh how much happens in one little month.

In August, Mr. Joe and I traveled to the Riviera Maya in Mexico.

I have a few rants... After a perfect honeymoon in Jamaica, I'll admit, expectations were high. We were treated like royalty as newlyweds and weren't used to be commoners! The resort, the Iberostar Paraiso Maya was quite grand. So grand in fact it took us almost 25 minutes to make the trek down winding snake-like paths from our suite to the main lobby. There never seemed to be a good lounge chair location, and the beach also required a lengthy hike. The food was just so-so and the fear of Montezuma's Revenge hung over our heads the entire time. Drinks were poor- they were incredibly watered down- you would think after a bottle of wine, a rum & coke, and 3 margaritas that one might have some semblance of a buzz? Oh no. I turned to Mr. Joe and said "Okay, what next?" If you did happen upon a good drink, it was only because you tipped the waitress or bartender. Uh... isn't this an ALL-INCLUSIVE??? Geesh. Lastly, and yes, we realized we took this trip in August, but it was unbearably hot. So hot in fact that clothing was nearly pointless (completely pointless for some).

Now for the raves. The resort itself was quite pristine and kept up very well- the pools clean and the grounds spotless. Our suite was AMAZING. We had an enormous bathroom complete with dual sinks and a jacuzzi, a separate lounge area, and a balcony with a hammock. Right outside of our amazing suite was a private pool for the occupants of only our building. Considering the main pool was pretty impossible to be at considering the sheer amount of people at this place, it was nice to have this alternative. The french restaurant was the best meal we had- we went just the two of us and had the royal treatment. The flight- we were offered first class flights home! What could be better? Of course, the best part, we had the opportunity to share in the wedding of one of my husband's oldest friends. It was one of the more beautiful weddings I have ever experienced and would strongly recommend a destination wedding over a traditional one. Here is a photo:

On a very sad note, my beloved Crocodile Hunter has died. Not only was this guy a seriously brilliant person, but he was hysterical. If I ever needed a cheering up, I would turn on the Crocodile Hunter and there he was: Steve Irwin as one with some of the most feared creatures on earth talking in that goofy accent. This man was amazing and the world should mourn this loss. RIP Steve Irwin. RIP. A tribute:

August 03, 2006

Vacation is Upon Us

In lieu of our next vacation to Cancun coming up in just a week, here are a few photos from our last few excursions:

Jamaican Morning - November 2005 Jamaican Sunset- November 2005

The Wynn Resort- Las Vegas, Jan 2006 Paris- Las Vegas- Jan 2006

Lake Superior- July 2006 High Falls, Tettagouche State Park

July 28, 2006

In Memory of Coni

On a very sad note, one of my dearest friends and bridesmaids, Dawn, lost one of her close friends recently. I didn't really know Coni. I had met her on a couple of occasions where mutual friends of Dawn's got together for a party or birthday. I always liked her, thought she was very sweet, and had always hoped for more opportunities to hang out. In December of 2005, Coni was diagnosed with adrenal cortical carcinoma- cancer of the adrenal gland. Adrenal cortical cancer is an extremely rare form of cancer affecting only about one in a millon people. Coni was 26 years old. After a very difficult 8 months, she peacefully passed away on July 20th- just a few short days after her 27th birthday.

I write about this mainly because I think this young lady is a brave, and amazing woman and everyone should know of her fight. She signed her journal entries on CaringBridge "Beating Cancer With a Smile", and always had a positive attitude. I was so moved by the fac
t that she seemed to genuinely care more about others than herself- telling Dawn that while she wasn't afraid of death, she was mostly worried about the people she was leaving behind. She had starting dating someone not too incredibly long before she was diagnosed, and he, too, appears to be another amazing person. He traveled with her for her treatments, stood by her side, proposed to her, and was there until the very last moment.

A day does not go by that I don't think about Coni. Her story reminds me every day that I should tell my friends and family that I love them and that you just never know when you may not have the chance to say it again. Despite our current issues with getting pregnant, I am overall very healthy and do not take that for granted. I am reminded not to get upset about the little things. Most of all, I am reminded to live each day to the fullest and in Coni's own words: Keep Smiling.

God Bless you Coni!

July 18, 2006

XM Vacation

We'll start with this...

I may be the only person who has never heard this song, but when I did, I laughed my ass off. Not only was the song funny, but my husband knew EVERY WORD and even admitted owning the CD at one point in time. What's my point? I LOVE XM RADIO!!!! Had I not come across channel 41 "The Boneyard" on XM I would've never heard of Green Jelly and had such a good laugh on my vacation. Last week, "Joe" and I took a vacation up to Minnesota's North Shore. We stayed at a lakehome that was possibly nicer than our own house and had a fabulous time enjoying the cool lake air, hiking, and enjoying the various wildlife. On our way to most of this outdoor enjoyment XM was there in all its commercial-free glory. To put it bluntly, it has changed my life. I can always find something to listen to at one point or another. There is always a station to match my mood. My latest favorite? The 90's. This morning I got to listen to Coolio, MC Hammer, and the Beastie Boys on my way to work. LOVE IT!!! Finally. No more falling asleep on my way to work. No more totally hating all rush hour traffic. I said it once, I'll say it again: COMMERCIAL FREE!! There are one or two stations that appear to be testing the "dot com" commercials out. Pissed me off. I haven't listed to those stations since. I still don't look forward to my very long commute Monday through Friday, but at least, it has become tolerable.
I'll post some pics soon! Meanwhile- here is come video of our little friend that we made during our trip:

Here's a pic from our vacation home- there was a full moon over Lake Superior- it was awesome!

July 07, 2006

JoKo's Mixed Bag of Movie Reviews: Week of July 3rd:


I LOVED THIS MOVIE!!! Girls. If you're looking for a hot guy to watch for a couple hours, romance, suspense, and want to see a movie with your guy? This is a movie your guy is going to want to see. I don't care much how it "compares" to the old 1978 Superman. I was two when that movie came out. I care that it represents the year 2006. I care that it entertained me to the point of laughing out loud, jumping, and cheering. I care that they made part of it in 3-D and I had the pleasure of seeing it at the Imax in that format. I care that my husband and I walked out of the theatre and talked non-stop about the movie for the 30 minute drive home from the Imax. I really took to Brandon Routh. Sure, he bears a striking resemblance to Christopher Reeve (as he probably should) but I really liked him. He's indeed hot enough to stare at in spandex for 2.5 hours. I like Kate Bosworth as well. I've seen all her big hits: Blue Crush, Win a Date With Tad Hamilton... hehe. I did have some question as to whether she could pull off Lois Lane and she did. Is she a softer Lois? Yes. She's had her heart broken by Superman, she had his kid, and now he's back in her life. She lost her rough edge. I thought she did a great job. Poor James Marsden (Richard- Lois's fiance). Is he ever going to play a role where he actually GETS the girl (i.e. The Notebook)???? LOVED Kevin Spacey and Parker Posey. I thought they were perfect villians- both cruel with an element of humor blended in. Okay. Need I say more? I loved it and had a great time seeing it, and you will too.

The Devil Wears Prada

Just call me Andrea Sachs, because THIS IS MY LIFE!!! I can't decide whether or not I enjoyed the movie more than the book, so I'll just say for arguments sake that they were both equally appealing. As an executive assistant myself, I can absolutely relate to the types of requests that Andy would get. For example, a string of rambling, all expected to be done in an amount of time that is simply inhuman, done perfectly and without question. My difference? I work for the nicest man on the planet and he would never speak to me in that kind of condescending, hurtful way. That is what makes this movie so incredibly juicy. Meryl Streep was absolutely fantastic. Never breaking out of character. Even in the moment you think that she is going to open up and relate to Andy, she doesn't resorting right back to the rudeness that is Miranda Priestly. Anne Hathaway does an okay job as Andy. She's believable, but a little annoying. I really loved the movie and the story overall. It gave a real, human spin on my own life and my own job. I even toasted along with the cast when they said "Here's to jobs that pay the rent". The one difference between the book and the movie- the ending. I wish they had stuck to the book ending where instead of simply walking away, Andy goes up to Miranda (after she requests getting her daughter's passports re-isssued in less than 24 hours) and says "Go fuck yourself Miranda" and then walks away. I think that would've been a much better ending!!

I can relate to the requests to get someone home and on flights when all seems impossible. I can relate to getting stressed out and nervous when my boss is in town, fearing that I may do something wrong, knowing that his assistant before me did a piss poor job and that I have a lot of expectations to live up to. I think I've done a fine job of proving myself, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry that my one screw up will cost me my job. I, too, have this belief that starting on this bottom rung may actually lead me somewhere, someday. However, as in the movie, I have a feeling that my need for a strong family and personal life will win over everything else.

With that said. I will likely not be posting for a week or so. "Joe" and I are off to our vacation (and wedding gift from my new in-laws) for a week up in Two Harbors, MN.

July 04, 2006

A Disappointment

I'm sure you can already guess by the title of today's 4th of July blog, that I'm not pregnant. This month was especially hard for me for some reason. I really wanted this to be the magic month for us! I think my message boards have made the wound a little more painful as well. I am so tired of hearing "Wow, I can't believe it, our first month trying and a BFP!". Did they bother to read the other posts? Did they happen to notice there are others on the boards that are having trouble getting pregnant? How hard it is for us to hear those kinds of things? I know they are just trying to share their excitement, but geesh. How about a little more sensitivity? I know I'm just being dramatic and hyper-sensitive because of my own heartbreak. I know someday we'll have the opportunity. I know that. I just wish it would've been easier than this. I wish we didn't have to go through all the hard stuff. I wish we were that lucky couple who was so incredibly fertile that we simply took one shot at it and it worked. I hate feeling as though there is something wrong. I don't want to wait until next March to find out if there is. I wish doctors could be more sensitive.

So, for July 4th, we celebrated over the weekend with friends and family. For the most part, it was wonderful. Minimal drama for once. The hardest part came when we got together with our friends and their newborn baby. He is, in a word, precious. My heart just ached to have one of my own. I watched him smile and giggle at me. I watched my husband carry him around and talk to him. I knew that we had to have one. I knew that we wanted to be parents. I knew that we would be great parents.

We decided to take a month off from the baby craze. We're going to Cancun in August. We're going to enjoy life as much as possible!

Happy 4th of July. Proud to be an American!!!!!!!!

June 23, 2006

Liar Liar Pants On Fire

Okay, so I may have told a fib in my last blog. Perhaps it was the mood of the day, perhaps it was raging hormones. Anyway. I decided I cannot give up my baby message forums. After visiting with them for the past month or so, I realized that I am truly invested in their lives and want to offer whatever support I can in lieu of my own experience. Do I often feel jealous of the pregnancy success of others? Heck yeah. The green-eyed monster comes out full force when someone announces their big fat positive (BFP). On the other hand- I'm happy for them. Many of them have had a much more difficult time than me and it is ignorant of me to feel so much hurt over their success. So, I'm taking it back. I'm going to continue visiting these community message boards and continue supporting the other women whose hopes and dreams are so similar to mine. I have girlfriends, but not a single one of them is even remotely in the same place as me in life, so I really don't have a lot of places to go with my questions, my failures, and hopefully soon, my victory. So while it is hard to bury the monster, it feels much better to say a prayer and know that they are all there praying just as hard with me. Taking control of your health and your fertility does NOT make you crazy, it makes you smart. I will feel much more in control of my next pregnancy knowing what I know today.

Let me take a moment to dicuss today the two week wait (2WW). By far the point in the past 8 months during my monthly cycle that is the most frustrating and horrible. For me, I need insta-results. Unfortunately, that type of information is just not available where pregnancy is concerned. Instead, those of us TTC women out there will get this point and start taking measure of every last feeling and vibe in their bodies. For me, I am about 10 days past ovulations (10 dpo) and I swear I feel nauseous, dizzy, exhausted, my boobs not only hurt with a pain unheard of but they appear to have been getting bigger (if that's even possible), and of course I swear my dog has a sixth sense about these things and has been trying to tell me something with her recent bout of incontinence. The picture here is what my baby would look like right now if I am. Of course... I told myself I felt all these things LAST month too. Thus... the torture of the 2WW. THIS is what will make a TTC woman crazy!! All I can do is sit back and pray until either aunt flo shows up for her monthly visit or, by miracle, we have actually grown a gift from God.

A special shout out to my friends at and (particularly the girls from the Baby Dust & Sticky Vibes Group Forum and March 2007 Group Forum). You are all amazing women and I'm so happy we are in this together. Thank you for your inspiration and guidance. God Bless You in this journey!

June 20, 2006

Full Bag of Rant

Since I appear to completely suck at writing a blog... I've decided I have a few excuses for why I don't write more often:
1) I bore easily when projects seem to not be entertaining enough
2) A.D.D. keeps me from actually completing a full entry. When I try to go back to what I was writing about, I've already forgotten what it was I was trying to say
3) I feel like I'm pretty much just talking to myself which is boring
4) I have had writers blcok for 21 days
5) Feel like I am not as witty as my husband Joe Nobody and cannot compete for the better blog (he proudly actually has outside readers other than his direct friends and family)
6) Fear ridicule from other bloggers that I may not be good enough
7) Am insecure
8) Am not opinionated enough to be a blogger- could really give a shit about most everything

I'm sure I'll think of more as I continue to rant about everything and nothing over the past 20 days.

TTC(Trying To Conceive): So me and Joe are still trying to have a fricken baby. I seriously have no idea what we're doing wrong here. I'm under the impression that I am once again not pregnant this month. Maybe I'm pessimistic after 8 months of a near success but mostly failure. I, like my husband Joe, hate to fail and it is making me miserable. I'm tired of phantom symptoms- i.e. my boobs hurting like hell right now and the need to take a nap at any given moment of the day. I'm tired of charting, counting, checking mucus (gross), and peeing on a stick. I have yet to understand why it is so easy for some women to get knocked up (a co-worker of mine and his wife just had a baby a couple months ago and are pregnant again), and seemingly impossible for myself. So, as it stands right now, should I get yet another Big Fat Negative (or BFN as we call it in the community board world), I am simply going to go back to being ME, JoKo again. That means, not worrying about having a beer at any given time, not taking and charting my temperature every morning like a freak, and cutting myself off from these message boards whose true purpose is to provide support but only make me more frustrated, emotional, and jealous. While I'm sure I'll be paying close attention to what my body is doing, I cannot go on living this way. I'm sure, when the time is right, we'll be graciously blessed with a baby and I just need to have faith.

The Doctor's Office: Okay, so it was time again for my annual exam with my OB/GYN. I won't disgust anyone with the gory details, but I have some frustrations with going to see the doctor in general. Here's my story: I had a 9:00am appointment with a new doctor. After sitting in the lobby for about oh, 10 minutes or so, a nurse came up to the receptionist and said "Dr. Hughes just showed- she is running an hour behind". Are you fricken kidding me?? Knowing full well that there was likely another gal in front of me, I waited it out. Girl with appointment before me storms the reception desk after another 10 mintues and says this sucks and is leaving. Which is what I wish I had done. This obviously bumped me up in time, or so I thought. After a grand total of a 45 minute wait in the waiting room, I went in with the NP, took blood, pissed in a cup, and whatever torture she felt she needed to inflict on me. She then left me alone to disrobe and said (and I quote) "It really shouldn't be long at all". Uh. 40 additional minutes in a flimsy, cold gown is a fricken long time in my book. By the time my new doc walked in, I expected a "I'm so sorry for the wait". Instead? She was sorta bitchy, did her thing, barely gave me the opportunity to ask questions and left. Uh. Do I wait? Are you going to send me my labs? Can I get my normal clothes back on? WTF? So, I got dressed and left. Whatever. Anyway, I guess my point is, besides being pissed about the wait, is: I believe that doctors- even though they make a gazillion dollars and are normally well respected- should still be "customer friendly". Being fully-insured, I have options. Does she not want my money? Does she not care about my business? Apparantly not, since she felt it was just fine to show up an hour late with zero apologies to her patients. The room was a very small claustrophobic room. No locks on the door mind you (I don't want just ANYONE walking in and seeing my EVERYTHING). Needless to say, it was a horrible experience. Not that annuals are ever fun, but uh, this really took the cake. I will NEVER go back to this place or this doctor.

Movie Reviews: "Joe" and I have been movie-goin' fools lately!!

The Break Up: Okay, I didn't torture Joe with this movie, although, being a Vince Vaughn fan, I think he would've actually enjoyed it. I thought the movie was good and I enjoyed it. The movie takes place in Chicago, Vince Vaughn plays a tour bus guide for his family-owned company, Jennifer Aniston some art seller. Within the first 20 minutes of the movie, I leaned over to my girlfriend and said- "I totally married this guy!!". He leaves his dirty, nasty socks and underwear all over the house, he sits down with a beer instead of helping out with dinner and chores before guests arrive for dinner, he plays XBox all hours of the day and night... You get the picture. Before long, Jen's character gets pissed and essentially they break up. Neither want to get rid of the condo that they bought together and for the most part try to make each other jealous and mad with all kinds of schemes and ploys. SPOILER ALERT!!!!!! In the end, to my surprise, they do not get back together. They move out of the condo and they go their separate ways. They broke up! Anyway- as I said, I liked it. I enjoy Vince Vaughn's brand of humor and have always adored Jennifer Aniston as an actress. I'll likely buy this one for my chick flick collection!

The DaVinci Code: Despite the very negative reviews this movie got, I really, really enjoyed it. After reading the book, I definitely wanted to see a visual representation of it. They followed the book to the letter!! No spoiler here- if you read the book you know exactly what happens. Tom Hanks didn't bother me too much- I am a Hanks fan myself- however I do wish they had chosen someone a little more rugged & handsome. My utmost favorite of the film was of course Ian McKellin playing Teabing. He was, in a word, FANTASTIC. I loved the sites, the sounds and loved seeing this story played out on film- it was sort of like my imagination come to life (with a better looking Langdon of course). As far as the controversy... HUH? There is none. This is FICTION. It's like dinosaurs getting pissed about Jurassic Park. Just stupid. Does it spark discussion? Absolutely. My opinion? Yes, the church would greatly be disrupted if it was true that Jesus did get married and have children. Would it be the end of Christianity? Who says that just because he was God that he couldn't fall in love and have children? He was indeed, a man. Maybe then Catholic priests would be allowed to get married and maybe the church wouldn't be facing the problems it has today. Again, my humble opinion. As a Catholic, I of course very passionately believe that Jesus died for my sins, rose again and on the 3rd day ascended into heaven. If he were indeed married, it would make me feel like he was just like me.

Cars: Okay, change of pace... I LOVED THIS MOVIE!!! You just can't go wrong with Pixar. Truthfully, if you've seen the movie Doc Hollywood, then you have already seen this. However, the animation was incredible, the characters loveable, and the one-liners absolutely priceless. It was so cute, and so fun. I'm not sure what it is, I find the cars with faces absolutely hysterical! Can't wait for it to come out on DVD so we can add to our ever-growing Pixar collection!

Coming Soon to Movie Reviews: Superman, XMen 3, and The Devil Wears Prada.

Now that I have taken up a huge portion of my ever-boring day (which is another whole blog in and of itself), I will sign off.

May 31, 2006

TTC Insanity

What is it that makes perfectly happy, sane, content women like myself turn into raging baby making monsters? My husband "Joe" and I started trying to conceive (or TTC as we call it in the insanity of the message board community) on our wedding night (10/15/05) and have been trying ever since. As I had posted in the past, we were successful a couple months ago, and to our great disappointment and overwhelming grief, I miscarried. I still still think about the time often, and even though brief, an amazing and wonderful time for us. We were certainly "trying" in every sense of the word, but I wasn't at the time this crazy person- tracking my BBT (Basal Body Temperature), CV (cervical mucus), and writing down every last feeling and notion that I have. We were just being... newlyweds. Some say that just being every day average newlyweds and not "trying" is what got us pregnant. I say it was correct timing and complete dumb luck. After going through such a tragedy, I decided that I want to be better prepared, I want to know when, I want to know why, I want to know what... Why? Less unanswered questions when things go wrong, and support to bring to my doctor when the time comes. It's completely insane, but for some twisted reason makes me feel more comfortable and more cautious. We were unsuccessful at our attempt this last month. I contributed it to a number of other factors in our lives but most importantly: "Joe" took a new job that he actually has to wake his ass up for every morning and shockingly had less desire to do the BD (baby dance) with me. It's not often he turns me down. Just bad planning. So, the plan for June: GET IT ON MORE OFTEN. It really is the only way!!

Thinking back, when we got pregnant last time, it was such a wonderful surprise and even a little shocking. We weren't sure how we felt other than feeling like we had a lot to do. We then started talking about how to tell our family, our friends... We got excited. While I'm sure I'll be excited when I get pregnant again, I'm sure there will be an enormous part of me that will be skeptical and pessimistic. What I have learned is that I now want a baby more than anything else. I know for real that I'm ready.

God- please if you are reading this now, and I'm sure you read blogs :), I hope you will bless us with a child.

May 02, 2006

Turning 30- Tragedy or Victory

Ahhhhhh yes. New Blog. New me.

It is official- I have now been alive for 3 decades. 30. I must say, while most have the tendancy to freak out over the fact that they feel old and weary at this age, feel as though they haven't accomplished all they set out to do, or that it might even be to late for others. I am somewhat delighted about reaching this pinnacle. Firstly, it is slightly a miracle that I made it this long. After smoking, drinking, and god only knows what else for at least the last 15 years, you would think that I should perhaps be dead. I made it through the horror that was junior high, the even bigger torture of high school. I survived the loss of more friendships and boyfriends that I can count on my fingers and toes and somehow managed to not require antidepressants to get through it. I received my high school diploma, a college degree, moved at least 10 times in 10 years, changed jobs and careers 6 times in 10 years, survived being laid off and actually still managed to get my bills paid on time, met THE one, got engaged, married, and lost a baby. All this before turning the age of 30.

Needless to say, I am proud of all I have accomplished and excited for what the future holds. I have a great family, great friends, and great co-workers. I am lucky to have stuffed so much experience into what really is a relatively short amount of time. I feel as though now I can take a deep breath and finally relax. Sure, there are things I still desire- a master's degree, a better job with better pay, a child, a grandchild...I can say with certainty for the first time in my life that there is no rush.

Since I'm an old lady now, thought I'd share a classic old lady clip:

April 25, 2006

American Idol Recap: Love Songs... or Something...

Oh sweet love songs!!! I really had much bigger hopes for tonights AI, but geesh. I have to admit I was fairly disappointed. Anyway, I'm afraid I don't have as great of notes on tonight's performances seeing as I worked late and barely made it home in time to give my husband and dog a hug and have dinner before those... opening theme bars began. Heh! They so need a new theme song. Tonight we were graced by the presence of Andrea Bocelli, by far, the most amazing singer in the universe. I am severely jealous of these Idols for having the opportunity to work with him, and if they don't realize their good fortune- they really don't deserve to be on this show and be singers.

Katharine: Or "Kat" as Ryan seems to like to call her. She sang "I Have Nothing". I fear I have nothing after her performance. I've made it very clear that I love her. I think she's naturally talented and hope she survives this week. I would've loved to hear a Katharine Bocelli duet!!! She was pitchy and the judges didn't like her tonight. I guess in my opinion- if you do Whitney- you definitely do it better than anything that crack ho can do now!! I'm sure Ryan said something else to her after she sang, but I could've sworn he said "With the volume down and those boobs, I'm sure you'll get lots of votes" as he stared at her chest...

He sang his signature Donny Hathaway song and was, pretty amazing. Too bad he can't sing it yet another time in the competition. Dude- Paula Abdul- WTF????!!!!!

Kellie: If she doesn't make the bottom 3, I'll be stunned. That was by and far the worst version of "Unchained Melody" I have EVER heard in my life. She butchered, mamed and destroyed that incredibly beautiful song. Why, oh why does America vote for her? I don't understand!!! I will stand by my vow: If she makes it to the final two- I will stop watching AI forever.

Paris: Singing "The Way We Were". WOW WOW WOWO!!!!! She really is just awesome. I cannot believe she is 16. What praise from David Foster and Bocelli!!!! She's one talented and amazing little lady.

Taylor: Sang James Ingram's "Just Once". Thank god just once. He wasn't very good tonight. I'm sad and disappointed for him. Hope he makes it through. Simon really needs to find a better rip: a hotel lounge singer? Does he know that there aren't any hotels other than Sandals in Jamaica that actually have lounge singers? Lame. Find a better insult.

Chris: Chris is BACK BACK BACK!!!! He was amazing tonight singing "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman". Fricken long name for a song, but YAY!!! He was so good.

On another note...

Yes it is true... in less than a week I'll be celebrating the dreaded 30th birthday!!!

April 18, 2006

American Idol Recap: American Standards

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Once again, it is time for my IDOL RECAP. This week's them was The Great American Songbook. As a very big fan of this genre, I was pretty excited to hear what the "Idols" had to offer this week. I have to say... for the most part I was impressed! Everyone did a fairly great job (with the exception of Kellie Pickler- she sucks rocks). As far as Rod Stewart, although he's funky and a little weird, I like him.

So today's show started off with a sort of weird dramatic entrance by Ryan Seacrest and then directly going right into the touchy feely meeting of the Idols with Rod Stewart. I found it interesting that everyone got little clips of their singing except for Ace- he got- a hug. Coincidence? I think not.

First up: Chris Daughtry. Chris sang What a Wonderful World and- I liked it! It was stylish and different and a nice departure from his typical wanna be Staind/Live type copying. I appreciated that he got rid of the eyeliner (and definitely appreciated that Ryan made reference to it- I was starting to wonder if I was the only one who noticed). I didn't really get the vest he was wearing though- the nerd meets rock star thing just wasn't working for me. Randy thought it was of course "da bomb", Paula: blah blah (I wasn't listening to her vacant ramblings), and Simon took all the credit for his change of pace and in surprise comment, said he loved it.

Number 2 for the night: Paris Bennett. Singing Billie Holiday's Foolish Things, I was of course as blown away as when she did something similar in her audition. She was absolutely spectacular! My only question is: was she heading in for an executive job interview with that outfit? Randy thought she had the greatest night ever, Paula thinks she may have been born in that era (uh... math, Paula, math...), and yet ANOTHER surprise positive comment from Simon- stylish, cool, and terrific and that Paris "bewilders" him.

Our 3rd singer of the night: Taylor Hicks. His comment prior to the start of him singing was backwards: "Flattery is a form of humor". Well maybe; however Taylor, I think you meant to say HUMOR is a form flattery. Anyway, besides the nervous babbly response to what was a stupid question by Ryan anyway, he sang You Send Me and he was FABulous. Good ol' Taylor was back tonight and quite impressive. Randy said that he was keeping it real, Paula said he was in the zone (hopefully she didn't confused him with Britney Spears??), and Simon said it went from what he thought was lame cabaret to magic.

As a brief interlude: they then panned to a little girl holding a sign that said: "Ryan will you be our brother" WTF?

Next up: Elliott Yamin. Okay- I can't stand it anymore, the Lord of the Rings elf ears severely bother me. On top of that he did a sort of odd lounge lizard thing this week. Perhaps in a desperate attempt to win voters? I just can't get past the fact that he is odd looking. Amazing singer. Weird Weird Weird. I thought his thing tonight was boring. Randy said it was... nice. Paula tried to tie some stupid comparison to contemporizing the song and something about Michael Buble and Harry Connick Jr. Simon, mirroring my own thoughts, said he was boring and should plan on going home tomorrow, OH and that he has zero personality.

OH boy my favorite: Kellie Pickler. Firstly, my link to Kellie Pickler here, was about one and a million blogs RIPPING on Kellie Pickler. The way she spoke to Rod Stewart? Stupid! Dumb! WTF? As a musician myself, I liked Rod's little joke- when she said she needed the words, he said "How about the lyrics?" Kellie responded, "What?" as in Duh? Hello? Then she made some comment about him taking a load off of her chest? I will again utter the words: I HATE STUPID PEOPLE. She sang Betwitched, Bothered, & Bewildered. I'm shocked she even knew how to say those words. It was in a word. TERRIBLE. This week's theme did EXACTLY what I wanted it to do: separate the REAL singers from the ones who have been faking it all this time. You can't fake this style of music! She fell flat on her face and it was wonderful. Randy said it was pitchy, Paula said she looked beautiful (ahem- NOTHING about her voice), and Simon said it was boring and that she needn't bother with Bewitched & Bothered, but Bewildered. Heh! Can she please be in the bottom 3 this week? PLEASE?

Next: Ace Young. Hated the new look. Yuck Yuck Yuck. I thought he looked greasy and smarmy. As if he might actually TAKE a 16 year old to her prom- if you know what I mean. He sang That's All. Heh. That's all I have to say! It was pitchy and the creepy lip tremble at the end of the song was... well just that- it was creepy and it bugged me. Randy said it was weird in the middle but that his falsetto is $$ (HUH?? I was thinking it needed to go), Paula I missed because my husband was distracting me with something dumb, although I'm sure I didn't miss much, and Simon in the MOST surprising comment of the night said although it was nasal that it was charming (???). WTF? I'm ready for Ace to go buh-bye.

Last but CERTAINLY not least, and my personal favorite: Katharine McPhee. She sang Someone to Watch Over Me and it was, in a word: stunning. I agree whole heartedly with Simon: she's an old pro and was in another league and most importantly that she made the other contestants look like good AMATEURS. I will be GREATLY distressed and disappointed if for any reason she's in the bottom 3. Especially if she's in the bottom 3 and Kellie is sitting safe on the couch ready to spout out the next stupid comment.

All in all, an entertaining night of Idol! My predictions:
Bottom 3: Elliott Yamin, Kellie Pickler, Ace Young

To see how YOUR picks fare give Fantasy Idol a try!!!

What About Brian?

What about Brian is right! WHAT about him? SO what?! For me, the jury is still out on this show. The pilot episode really did bore me to tears. I guess I appreciated a little bit of the background stories and the importance of developing their characters, but I felt like I had started watching a movie only I started it in the middle and had no idea whatsoever about what was going on. The show is essentially about Brian (duh), who is the last out of his "group" to be paired up and married off. The first official episode was much better- some funny moments with Dave and Deena attempting an open marriage and failing miserably, Nic and Angelo and a sperm bank, Brian sleeping with one girl and hooking up with her roommate the next morning, and Marjorie and Adam's wedding fight (which is only funny because I actually lived that reality a year ago). I'm also not sure that the casting of "Brian" feels right. Barry Watson is cute, but he bugs a little.

Who doesn't have someone in their group of friends who is the last person to hook up and get married? I can relate to this show on many levels: 1) Because I do know that friend. Only difference is he actually IS the nice guy and doesn't get laid every night of the week by airheaded dim-wits. 2) Nic has a miscarriage in the pilot. A very timely subject for me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... while it looks like this show kind of sucks right now, I think it does have potential. I'm hoping the love triangle of Brian/Adam/Marjorie doesn't completly go on forever, and wait- lemme guess- the series will end when Brian finally ties the knot. I can see that coming a mile away!! I guess we'll just have to WATCH!

April 12, 2006

American Idol Recap-- April 11-12, 2006

Although I am currently watching the results show, I of course have to give my two cents of last night's performance. Firstly- since when is Queen so arrogant? Who the hell are they to turn their nose in the air? Say it together now: HAS BEENS. I thought they were sort of rude to everyone. Yeah, AI is sorta lame, but geesh- if you actually want people to attend your current tour, you might not want to piss off 22 million American Idol viewers by knocking the show and its performers.

Bucky Covington: Bucky sang Fat Bottom Girl. I of course could not understand a single word because the guy hasn't learned what diction means from his AI vocal coaches. On top of that. He looks like a CHICK. It really is time for this guy to go home.

Ace Young: I've made it clear, I think Ace is pretty hot. As far as his performance goes? He totally bores me. He'll make bottom 3 this week. He won't go home, but he will soon.

Kelly Pickler: EEEEEEEEAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH I cannot stand her. I wish she'd get laryngitis. I wish someone would unearth some horrible secret about her so she'd get kicked off. She absolutely destroyed Bohemian Rhapsody. She looked awful. I'm so sick of her stupid, dumb, ditzy thing. America. PLEASE VOTE HER OFF!!! SHE SUCKS!!! I told my husband last night- if she wins American Idol I will never watch the show again.

Chris Daughtry: I've been rooting for this guy. It is rock 'n roll's turn to have an American Idol this year. I still want him to win, but I have to admit, all his shit sounds the same. I'm a little bored. Someone needs to tell the people in makeup that they are making him look ridiculous!!!! His eyeliner was so bad that I couldn't even watch him.

Katharine McPhee: I do think Katharine has one of the best vocals in the competition. Her week was a little shaky but I think she's great! Gotta cheer for the girl who actually has vocal training!

Elliott Yamin: I'm sad- he's in the bottom 3. The guy can seriously freakin sing. He's funny lookin though. Did anyone see the serious amount of saliva in his mouth tonight when he was singing? Ew.

Taylor Hicks: I LOVE TAYLOR. He's in my top two. He is unique, fun and authentically talented.

Paris Bennett: Okay- I've been on the fence about Paris- until this week. Goodness gracious she has a kick ass voice (doesn't hurt that she is a MN native!!). She was fab this week. She didn't look as much like a pug this week either. What was with the outfit though??

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And... this week's loser is....BUCKY!!! WHOOOOO WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!!

April 09, 2006

How I Deal

It has been nearly 2 weeks since my fateful miscarriage. I have been blessed with the well wishes of uncountable well wishes, hugs, and sincerity. During this time, I have found it interesting to watch both how I have reacted to this experience as well as those around me. Firstly, myself. While in many ways my heart still aches over this loss and I'm still disappointed that the miracle of life did not happen for me, I have truly picked up the pieces of my tragedy and am moving on. I don't get sad or break down in tears when I see a baby commercial, or when my two pregnant co-workers go on about their ultrasounds. My time will come and I'm even more ready for it now. Secondly, is others' reactions. In lieu of my co-workers' pregnancies, there is a lot of chatter. Ultrasounds, baby names, diapers, nursury's... you name it. It's funny how that talk has suddenly become a whisper when I'm around. You know, that strange feeling you get that people are talking about you and when you walk into the room, the conversation stops dead? Yeah, that is what is currently happening in my world. I'm sure people are really just trying to be overly sensitive to my feelings, but to be honest, it makes me feel worse. I am truly happy for these women and still want to be a part in their stories and their joy. Again, my time will come, and I want to understand what will happen to me!!

Another way that I deal with it is by making jokes. Now, I'll admit that sometimes my jokes are off color and mostly inappropriate, but it is my ass backwards way of showing that I care. My way of making light of something that is pretty dark.

I am finally feeling like my old self again. I wish everyone would start treating me like my old self! I'm moving on, why can't everyone else??? I know there are still family members I haven't seen or talked to, some who know, some who don't. I'm sure I'll have to live this out for much longer than I'd care to, but it would be nice if people would give their hugs, their promise of prayers and let us move on.

April 04, 2006

Idol Recap

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It is time for my Idol Recap! I know, thank you... hold the applause...

Taylor Hicks: I'm a Taylor fan, but he bored me to tears tonight.
Mandisa: Not a country girl.
Elliot Yamin: I think he's talented, but he bored me too.
Ace Young: More like Ace YUM. I thought he did better than usual. Is that a TWIN brother? My goodness do they look alike.
Kellie Pickler: WILL SHE PLEASE GO AWAY!!! I cannot stand her. Carrie Underwood already exists- stop trying to be her. Oh, and stop being stupid.
Chris Daughtry:
Ahhhh Chris. He needs to win.
Katharine McPhee: She's awesome. If she goes home this week and Kellie Pickler stays I will stop watching because whoever is calling in for Kellie needs to take the earplugs out.
Bucky Covington: GO FAR FAR AWAY!!! YOU'RE NASTY!!!
Paris Bennett:
Okay. I had forgotten her. What does that mean?? Her song was just O.K. tonight. For 16 that girl can fricken sing. Plus she's got Edina, MN roots so she must be o.k.

April 03, 2006


On a serious note today, I just wanted to take a moment to share my experience over the past week in hopes of providing comfort and faith for those whose heart may have broken even half as much as mine. Just over a week ago, my husband and I got the amazing news that we were expecting. For only the third time in our nearly 4 year relationship, he got teary-eyed (the others: our engagement and wedding vows). We were blown away thrilled with the fact we were 5 weeks pregnant and so soon seeing as we just got married in October. We told only a few co-workers (the ones who would be affected by us being gone for doctor's appointments) and a couple close friends. Only a couple short days later, I became very ill and I knew something was very wrong. Wednesday my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were dangerously low and I prayed there would still be hope. Friday, my fate was sealed. My levels dropped to nearly zero which indicated that I had indeed had a miscarriage. Knowing this was likely to be the outcome still wasn't enough to help me prepare with the impact this news had on me. My heart was broken, my spirit wounded. No matter how many times you read and hear that it was out of our hands and out of our control, I still felt this driving need to learn and understand why this had happened to us. Where did I go wrong? What can I do differently next time? How can I be sure this won't happen again?

Still no answers today, and I am likely to never find them. Upon the advice of a good friend, I listened to my heart and have laid my newfound fears and hopes in the hands of God. My precious baby, barely alive but still in every way a part of me wasn't destined to be here. We will have our chance, and when that time comes, we will be ready. As first time parents, we had so many fears in making that huge step to starting a family. It changes everything. We now know how much we want to take that step. It would mean so much to us to become parents and I cannot wait for our day to come.

Be strong. Have faith. Good things come to those who wait!

March 23, 2006

Mixed Bag of Movie Review

Approximately a year ago, me and another gal from started what is now known as "Chick Flick Night". We were both complaining about all the movies that guys never want to go see, otherwise known as the dreaded "Chick Flick". I can probably count on one hand the number of times my husband has actually gone to see one of these so-called dreaded movies with me. So, we started our little clique and decided that we would once a month pick a movie to go see that no guy would ever want to see. Our movie list includes: Princess Diaries 2, Ice Princess, Monster In Law, The Family Stone, In Her Shoes, Brokeback Mountain, and most recently: Failure to Launch.

This movie, certainly not destined to win any Oscars, was O.K. Some admitted laugh out loud moments, but mostly a sort of weak story line, Matthew McCoughnaghy's abs, Sarah Jessica Parker's horse face and giant mole-like thing on her chin, and yes, you heard it correctly: Terry Bradshaw's ass. Here's the story line- it's a story about a 35 year old guy who is unwilling to move out of his parent's house. They still do his laundry, make his meals, pack a lunch and he uses as his biggest excuse to break up with every woman he starts to get serious about. His parents want him gone. They then hire "Paula" who is an interventionist trained in getting men to move out of their parents' houses. As you can probably guess, Paula falls for the 35 year old guy and doesn't get a chance to tell him before he finds out that his parents paid for her. Blah Blah Blah, they fight, he deciedes to move out, she wants to move away and their weird friends somehow get them back together. Typical typical typical- I knew how it was going to end almost before it started.

Point of my story? I didn't go for the story. I went to see it for Matthew! Yum.

I give this movie the following stars: 5 stars for Matthew's abs, 1 star for the story, and 3 stars for making me laugh at some of the absolutely ridiculous antics.

March 22, 2006

My Confession

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Okay- I have a confession... Not that you haven't figured it out already, but I am an American Idol junkie. Yeah, the show is kinda fixed, I don't call in and don't think anyone is really able to, but I love seeing these absolute Joe Nobody's (yeah that's a plug for you Joe!!) getting up there and doing their thing in front of millions of viewers. I gave my picks the other day- I still stand by most of them. Kevin Covais definitely had to GO GO GO away. I was fine and happy that he got voted off. He is that nerdy guy from the choir and theatre group in high school that was a superstar there, but certainly never cut out to actually become a recording artist- are you kidding me? Bucky is next to go. UGH WTF??? Firstly, he is by far the nastiest, red-neck lookin dude I have EVER seen. Not MY American Idol! His voice really bugs too. Go back to the VFW and rock the house there. Lisa Tucker will likely go after that. I know she's been listed by some popular magazine that she is one of the top 10 most talented teenagers to watch and has performed with the broadway musical The Lion King, but I don't think this is her gig. Now, if I had it my way, Kellie Pickler will just GO FAR, FAR AWAY. She is white trash and in no way is stupidity even the least bit endearing- act or no act. She is not Carrie Underwood, even though she might think she is thanks to Simon's ridiculous comparison. Let me put it this way. She bugs, she sucks and needs to go. There are a couple in between that are just O.K. to me- Paris who is young and reminds me too much of Fantasia who I HATED and Elliot who is incredibly talented but can't help but think I saw him down in Amish town down in Rochester riding in a buggy not too long ago. Ace is good looking but... uh... that's about all there is to say about him. Mandisa is good. Really good. Katharine is REALLY good- she has a classical training that crosses platforms- I think she's really talented. I LOVE Taylor Hicks. I think he is different and has a unique voice and really enjoy watching him perform! He'll do well. My winner? Still Chris Daughtry. He's incredibly hot and I love the rock 'n roll. I was a big Bo Bice fan last season so I'm going for the rocker this year!!

I've gotten my A.I. nerdiness out of my system for the week! Phew!

I just had to share this little clip from my wedding reception...

For more fun and video from my good buddy (and husband) "Joe" go to:

February 23, 2006

What Makes People Crazy?

Okay, so I know it is taboo to bitch about your job on your blog, so I'll try to keep names out of it for privacy's sake. Since I graduated from college, even before then, I have always worked for small companies. For whatever reason, I had an obsession with working for the Pre-IPO, start-up companies. I don't think I was turned onto it for the $$ at stake, but more for the environment. The freedom to have opportunities to be creative, move up the ladder, wear jeans to the office, attend raging parties til the wee hours of the morning and be told you can come in late the next day, think, breathe... So when my little start-up got eaten up by Jonah the Whale, I thought... okay. This is going to be okay. We'll have more money to play with, more ability to get the job done, and more opportunities for growth. I couldn't have been more wrong. We seem to have less money, less ability, and definitely no opportunity for growth. As a matter of fact my job went from a mixed bag of variety and experiences to something a monkey could do fairly easily. I seriously think I lose IQ points on a daily basis. What a disappointment! I can barely get out of my cube now without tripping over some red tape. Needless to say, about 50% of the employees that got our wee little company off the ground in the first place are no longer around. No more are the days of innovation and the "can-do" approach to everything our clients ask for. Everything now needs to be approved by someone at least two ranks up from you and usually, never gets approved so essentially, nothing ever gets done. Which brings me to another point- what's up with the ranks? I now get to work with a girl, and by girl, I mean girl just graduated from high school, lives with mom and dad, and has never taken a college level course in her life who is suddenly outranking me? Or thinks she does? I can honestly say with every fiber of my being this makes me crazy. Did I seriously waste 40K and 5 years of busting my ass in college when I could've simply walked in the door, got a job and became an insta-manager? If that's the case- I want my money back. Perhaps it is the notion of rank that makes us all crazy. The drive to be more important than what we might actually be. When I took time off to go get married and go on a honeymoon, for the first time in my career, I think my worth may have actually been known. I was shocked to find out that so many were lost without my vast administrative capabilities and my poor executive (ha! an oxymoron) was seriously up a crick. Luckily, to my group, this was a reminder of what the little people actually do, and how hard we work. Now, I don't expect to someday be an executive, but I certainly hope that I will continue to have worth- whether I continue to be an executive assistant, or if I am actually by miracle of God able to make use of my marketing degree.

February 21, 2006

E! News & Reality Rant

I am sitting here watching E! News Tuesday on the E channel. Why you ask? To be perfectly honest, I cannot even begin to explain my obsession with getting my Hollywood fix every day. My husband thinks I'm crazy, walks by rolls his eyes, and yes even watches it with me at times!! Why I should care what Jessica Simpson went shopping for or listening for Angelina's bump alert? Especially since these people absolutely annoy the hell out of me. OH you poor famous people getting chased by the paparazzi. OH poor Gwyneth and her giant bikini bump and your bazillion dollar trip to Mexico. I think the only reason I can think of to watch this crap is because the stuff that goes on in the real world is just too depressing. I can only take a 1/2 hour of local death, murder, and robberies in a day. P.S. I chose this picture because I know how much my husband adores Ryan Seacrest HAHAHAH!!

As far as reality TV... oh boy. This really slays me. I actually started watching The Bachelor back when uber wealthy and adorable Andrew Firestone was on. I knew this crap couldn't be real when he picked uber bitch Jen or whatever her name is to be his wife and of course she dumped him. THEN The Bachelor people actually gave her another chance on The Bachelorette and she dumped some other poor sucker! She wasted six weeks of my life. She gives women a bad name and I hope she stays single forever. Does this explain why I watch this stupid show? No. I absolutely love watching the chicks fight over a guy they've only known for 2 hours. I think it makes me feel better to know that I have never been that stupid or made that much of a desperate ass out of myself in my entire life. My other guilty pleasures include watching the C-list celebs make asses out of themselves by skating and dancing. I'm not certain what the point is yet other than the fact they suckered me in to watching their crap. The only one I have just cause to watch is American Idol. As a talented, singer/nobody myself, it gives me great joy to see how far these people can go. I love music and love great singing even more. I've even picked up the phone to vote!!! Among my personal favorites: Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken (yeah he's a freak, but damn he can sing), Kimberley Locke, Diana DeGarmo, Bo Bice, and my all-time favorite to date, Carrie Underwood. A bunch of nobodys like me who love to sing with no hope of going anywhere outside of the shower with their voice and they have all made albums. Big round of applause for these worthy reality stars!!

Oh, I have to throw in one last comment... I REALLY despise that Dog the Bounty Hunter show. UUUUUUGH!!!!!! WTF? No more reality please! We've had enough!

February 18, 2006

Mixed Bag of Rant

Finally, this crazy week comes to a close.

I thought I should mention after my Valentine's rant, that I did receive my flowers, delivered a day late, and dead. One of my lowest days yet this year and my sweet husband absolutely saved the day. I came home from work with my dead flowers in hand and sitting on the table was a gorgeous basket full of yellow and pink flowers with a card in it. It was so sweet of him to do something special. To top it off, I walked into my office and there laid a single long-stemmed red rose. Absolutely made my night. My advice to all? For Valentine's Day, be creative, be thoughtful... don't try and order flowers (especially from on the busiest flower day of the whole year.

Rant #2: Dental Hygiene. Okay, so I'll admit, I was terrible about getting my teeth cleaned at the dentist for many years. I have good oral hygiene- I brush my teeth, floss, gargle... so I'm not quite sure how so many problems came up. In the past month I have had 4 fillings, 4 wisdom teeth surgically removed, and am now sitting here with a tooth infection that is by far worse than any injury I have ever endured. So I have to wonder, was it worth it to go through all this pain, when they weren't bothering me? Would they have ever bothered me? I guess I'll never know. So I'll sit her on this fine Saturday, take my strong antibiotics and vicodin and dream about the day when I'll be able to eat a meal without excruciating pain.

Rant #3: 2006 Baby Boom. Goodness gracious. Everyone around me is having babies. Or does it just seem that way because I want one so badly?

For this month's Chick Flick Pick, me and the girls at work went to see Brokeback Mountain. We wanted to know what the Oscar buzz was all about and well, we were curious. You just never know about some of the arty favorites in the Oscars, they can somehow be... disturbing. This movie wasn't disturbing at all. The character development was fantastic- they went from roughneck cowboys to men with feelings and a sensitivity like no other. Visually, it was a stunning movie- I wanted to head to Brokeback myself and go hiking and camping. For all those guys who are terrified of seeing this movie... For crying out loud. Suck it up, be a man, and go see this flick. There were only about 5 minutes out of the two hour movie that were barely even uncomfortable to watch. Heck, I even get a little embarrassed about watching a man and woman sex scene in a public movie theatre. Besides- how many opportunities would you have to see The Princess Diaries boobies? It was a story about love of course, but also about making difficult decisions during a time in history where homosexuality was not accepted. Just think- we have the new "You had me at hello" line in "I wish I knew how to quit you". This is definitely one of the more important movies of our time- very well done and very well acted. 3 Cheers for this flick!
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